i might not hate you that much

what brown can do for me

2008-09-08T15:21:00.000-07:00

i thought i would share some findings regarding the countless varieties of 'brown liquor'. here is how it tastes:

chivas - tastes like wood soaked in motor oil
dewars - tastes like wood soaked in motor oil
cutty sark - see above
jb - just don't.
knob creek - tastes like wood soaked in fire
makers mark - tastes like wood soaked in charcoal
buffalo trace - tastes like wood soaked in charcoal with pepper and fire - it bites you back
jameson - tastes like what i believe an irish person soaked in a cheap barrel would taste like
crown royal - tastes like what i believe a canadian soaked in a cheap barrel would taste like
crown royal special reserve - this is just way too smooth. i mean really.
a really old midleton - wow. ridiculous. this is just, not fair to anyone.
tullamore dew - you might as well just drink jameson
bushmills - see above
jim beam black - this guy's your buddy. invite him in. maybe have a sleepover.
jim beam white - only if you're in a pinch
jim beam green - don't bother
woodford reserve - a step above maker's mark. i highly recommend it.
gentleman jack - not so much
jack daniel black - whatever
jack single barrel - mah
johnny walker anything - takes me right back to the first few on this list. something to do with motor oil comes to mind.
basil hayden's - i can't speak ill of this. for some obvious reasons that are only obvious to some.
black velvet - ugh. please don't. but if you even try to put diet sprite in this for me, i'll chop your hand off.
macallen's - this can be a pretty easy one to take. "can be."
glenlivet/glenfiddich - "scotch". you really have to like scotch.

if anyone disagrees with my findings, you're wrong. ok bye.

nugget

2008-09-04T13:43:00.000-07:00

it should come as no surprise that i'm somewhat left and support most things that go along with it. wait. i think i support all things left. yes. i do. so, i'm not trying to start a debate or anything with anyone who may be currently online, (which they would lose anyway since this is my blog and i win at everything here) but i do have a nugget. thanks, left-ist friend that sent it. i think it's a lot of good fun for a thursday.

jimmy doors and match kooks

2008-08-14T10:27:00.000-07:00

hopefully that title gets me into some strange google search results.

how do i get in touch with jimmy kimmel? i think he and i could really do some damage. i don't know what that means. all i know is that i just read his iTunes playlist and i just think we should know each other. let me know if you know how i can get in touch with him. we have the same birthday if it helps. he may want to marry me. i don't know.

also, people need to learn how to use and understand double doors. i was walking into a store yesterday and there was a girl in front of me. as we were about to enter the store, another woman was on her way out through the door on the left. the girl in front of me just stood in front of the door on the right as though it were a brick wall. instead of using door on the right, we stood there and waited for the woman to stop using door on the left. on my way out of the store, i used door on the right just to ensure it worked. it did. i'm putting this little story out there so that one day someone who does not understand how to use double doors maybe reads it and has an epiphany. quit ignoring the other highly efficient door.

is someone allowed to put you on match.com without your permission? if there are any legal types out there, please let me know what course of action i may have.

i can't stop listening to the kooks. it's like the cure and blur and the killers and coldplay and the ramones. sort of.

the shortest distance between 2 points

2008-07-24T16:03:00.000-07:00

apparently goes a little something like this:

if you're someone, or perhaps something of importance from new york state and you're on your way to me in cleveland, ohio, you should first stop in new jersey to see how those guys are doing. clearly.

once you're satisfied that they're just fine, head down to west virginia because it's probably been ages since you engaged in some of whatever they happen to be doing there now... i don't know what that means.

then, instead of crossing the border directly into my state, i recommend you first go to pennsylvania. you were really close to the state of ohio, but it would probably make more sense to divert and ensure that you saw just as many states as you possibly could before finally setting foot in good old o-h.

yeah, this sounds good. this is exactly how i would do it. i think the drive from somewhere in west virginia to somewhere in pennsylvania is probably a little more interesting than what it would be like to drive from the bottom of ohio to the top. that's not the greatest road trip trail you could blaze. trust me.

my brain hurts

2008-07-16T15:04:00.000-07:00

ok so sarah's blog made me do this. i guess steph sent it to her and then she posted it on oks and now i'm here with my track listing for the soundtrack of my life. not an easy task, my friends. not an easy task. and since i always do what i do, i added a few because i felt that they were imperative in a listing of songs that describe the story of one's life.

opening credits: mother mary - foxboro hottubs
while this song has nothing to do with me or my life, it's catchy and i think its meaning would confuse - which is always on my agenda, so, it works.

waking up: i understand what you want but i just don't agree - the sleepy jackson

average day: a million ways - ok go
these lyrics are just confusing. there's also something to do with being cruel.

first date: crush - jennifer paige
i must have listened to this song 300,000 times when it first came out. or, yesterday. i can't remember which it was because i'm so busy.

falling in love: closer to you - young love

love scene: #1 crush - garbage
when i hear this song, i almost feel like i shouldn't be listening to it because it just sounds really dirty. and i'm not talkin lyrics. i mean, who can even focus on the lyrics. well, i mean, you should. because they're edgy. and scary.

fight scene: head like a hole - nine inch nails
i'd rather die than give you control.

breaking up: say it right - nelly furtado

getting back together: walking after you - foo fighters

secret love: take my breath away - berlin
i'm not sure if this is about secret love or not but let's go with it.

life's okay: lovin each day - ronan keating

mental breakdown: seether - veruca salt
well she is not born like other girls, but i know how to conceive her...

driving: say you love me - fleetwood mac

learning a lesson: light in your eyes - sheryl crow

deep thought: destination vertical - masha qrella
i constantly get lost in this one.

flashback: you're a friend of mine - clarence clemons ft. jackson browne

partying: mixed bizness - beck

scene where we do coke in a big old house at night: dead and bloated - stone temple pilots
now, not that this necessarily describes my life, per se, it's just usually a scene in 90s movies where teen girls start experimenting with older, dangerous boys.

happy dance: dancing in heaven - q-feel
just so we're clear, this IS the song from the dtv finals in one of SJP's earlier showpieces with helen hunt and shannen d, girls just want to have fun.

regretting: heart of stone - erasure

(de?)motivational montage: fallen angel - poison
this was not on the original listing, but it needed to be.

frolicking in the park: like the weather - 10,000 maniacs
obviously this one needed to be added. hello.

sailing: better together - jack johnson
i bet you thought this was going to be sailing by christopher cross. well, you can't listen to sailing while sailing. you listen to it when you're not to remind you to get to the boat asap so you can sail and listen to jack johnson and drink beer in cans.

long night alone: nowhere and everywhere - michelle lewis

death scene: i miss you - blink 182

going home again: wonderful - adam ant
because whoever didn't die above is going to want to go home and visit some old friends and family due to the recent loss they've suffered that has caused them to go into a highly reflective and nostalgic phase...

closing credits: waiting for love - alias
this is just *so* closing credits.

i feel as though i'll need to make another movie. judging by this, i think i'm really good at making movies.

pool me

2008-07-11T13:47:00.000-07:00

since i don't think of these things when i'm in the presence of people, this will be a public service announcement for those i either went to college with, lived with for one glorious year, worked alongside, dated as a married couple, married on the island of pib for a weekend where firefall's 'you are the woman' was our wedding song, told you that you should bang marty party first chance you get, witnessed you go from zero to relationship in 4 seconds at the wine fest with whats her name, drank "acceptable" quantities of wine with recently, drank "acceptable" quantities of wine with a long time ago, drank "acceptable" quantities of wine with tomorrow, or next saturday. whatever. what i'm trying to say here is that whenever you'd like to enjoy the gate's tremendous pool, just give me a ring. i'm always up for a trip to the clubhouse where the annoying americans drag their kids a plenty with unsafe pool habits to be loud and obnoxious. bring an ipod and/or "water" in a plastic water bottle that you'll never figure out how to recycle. talk to you soon.

what else...

2008-07-07T11:47:00.000-07:00

i have random thoughts that need to be dropped somewhere so i can move on with my other random thoughts. you're like me so you know how it is.

if you/your community recycle in weekly trash removal, something to note with regard to bottles, etc. if you drink a bottle of water and then toss the plastic remains into your recycle bin when done, it won't get recycled unless you remove the cap and discard with the regular trash. there you were thinking you were doing a tiny bit of good. not so much. remove those caps.

another thing with regard to recycling and the environment - if you take your car through a laserwash or other type of organized carwash, the water gets reclaimed so you aren't completely and totally wasting resources. if you wash it in your driveway where the water surely just dries up or eventually drains to the sewer, you are slowly helping to deplete the strength of our ecosystem. thanks so much.

'my boyfriend's back' is a really unsettling and sort of terrifying comedy from 1993. the dude comes back from the grave, goes right back to school, and then tries to eat his friends because apparently that's what zombies do.
i'm kind of newly obsessed with dragon sailboats. i mean, would you look at how sleek and beautiful? and what's more, they usually have a furling jib. sigh.
three extremely new and popular songs are stuck in my head: 'i'll be your shelter' - miss taylor dayne, 'blame it on the rain' - those crazy little milli vanilli's, 'amie' - peter's prairie party... or something

it's awkward when someone you hardly know/barely just met for real tells you it's all or nothing, now or never and then kind of storms off sort of mad when you stick to your guns on being the boss of you. what? maybe work on your delivery.

pretty much everyone i know hates grapefruit and all that pertains to it. so... i thought i'd mention that finlandia makes an excellent grapefruit vodka (better than ruby red absolut) that you can mix with your secret ingredients when making a fun little batch of my special july surprise.

i have a fever and the only cure is more creamy horseradish sauce on literally everything i can find.

ok. that should do it. good talk.

effing a

2008-06-13T22:06:00.000-07:00

i was again seriously interested in telling you about angel hair pilot tonight and his, well, angel hair, but tim russert died so i must now dive into that. he was probably just living his life, and then an hour later, he just wasn't. i don't have to tell you about my life changing caribbean sailing experience from last month. it's two posts down and changed my life forever. this is another life altering situation in very close proximity to the other. it sucks, but that's what happens. so, you better live like you mean it. and i mean that, sister.

so tim russert died. how does that relate to me and you. it all comes down to one minute you're living and the next, you're not. you're just not. tim had a special place in my heart. may he rest in peace.

tim's news knocked the wind out of me. my sunday mornings have been spent with tim for as along as i can remember. now what. now it all changes because life stepped in and did something it does all the time. it deals you the craziest cards when you're in a place where it's highly unlikely that you're ready for them. and from experience, most of the time, you weren't ready and there's no way you would've ever asked for them.

ok, so life stepped in on 6/13/2008. it made us uncomfortable - not only the russert family, but i would have to imagine, most of the world. but you know what? we all have a say in it.

when you die, it won't matter to you anymore. you'll be dead. however, your passing will rock the cores of many a people and for some, their lives will never be the same when you go. if nothing else in your years, this is one of the greatest realizations you should ever make. you may or may not know it, but you are touching lives. you may be doing good or you may be doing evil. you're the one who knows and either way, it's fine with me. but one day, those lives will be without you. and, hopefully you left a lasting mark on the world. if you didn't, it's unfortunate because your time on earth was relatively short-lived and it won't matter to anyone if it was for not (probably not even you while you were here).

if that doesn't make you uncomfortable, you're all set. ignore me. ignore a lot of things. if it does affect you, get off your pot and start doing what you think you need to do in life. do it for you. know that when you do it for you, the world will somehow become more rich and powerful because you made it that way while you were you living in it.

life's too short. make your footprint count. i can't believe tim russert's gone.

basement racquetball tennis pong

2008-06-10T20:54:00.000-07:00

it might have been interesting to tell you about the angel hair pilot this evening, but i think i'll save him for another night. tonight, i will tell you about basement racquetball tennis pong. it's sweeping the nation. and i mean that literally. well no. i mean, it's only really happening in my basement as far as i know.

here's what happens in brtp: you get a tennis racquet and a little rubber racquetball ball and an unfinished basement. and bourbon. and perhaps loud music from the kitchen at the top of the stairs. then, you hit the ball against the wall with a tennis racquet but with that initial racquetball bounce so that the ball doesn't go like 100 yards and end up getting lodged underneath like, the metal wolf spider basement shelving. those crazy guys like to hide under that thing. i don't actually know that this is true though because in three years, i've only seen one wolf spider by this metal shelving. anything's possible. but back to the game, you want the ball to bounce before it hits the wall and then you just keep the volley going while you think and drink and jam to your favorite 70s, 70s, and 70s tunes.

what else.. as far as rules go, the only rule is that you just constantly make up rules to account for whatever just happened in the "game". like, if you're lucky and the ball bounces back to you after arching through/over the red metal beam, you totally win. conversely, if the ball hits the red beam on the way back and goes back into the wall instead of coming back to you, that's it. you lose. if you let the ball bounce like 3 times before hitting it back to the wall, nice. 5 points. if you switch to being a lefty (or righty if you're a lefty) you get 2 extra points. and really, so on and so forth. like i said, you just keep making up rules so that if you're ever playing with someone else, which is never, no one can win. similarly, if you're playing against yourself, you will probably win. i've actually lost to myself before so it's really hard to say what you can expect here.

so, brtp. my gift to you. stay inside this 2008 summer and enjoy your cold, cold basement.

i'm doing it wrong

2008-06-01T12:42:00.000-07:00

i'm certainly not doing it right - that's for sure. thanks much, anonymous commenter, for kindly reminding me how blogs work. you are supposed to add posts one by one. you are not a-sposed to remove them, one by one. i'll try to remember this going forward. i just get confused sometimes. wait. no. i don't. i took that last post down because it had become meaningless. truthfully, it was meaningless when i posted it. however, i have now basically done something to counter it in my life so i took it down because i wanted to post something regarding a similar topic that has far more meaning at this point. get. ex. cited.

so guess what. i rule. i've said it before, and i'm sayin' it again. i rule. and, i'm more than happy to esplain why in this very post. but first, i would like to say a few words about some other things because i think it's important to veer off topic from time to time because then i can ensure that people have no idea what i'm talking about or why or if i'm even still talking about the same thing or something different or what. i think it's important to create a spaghetti tangle in whatever you do in life. this applies to conversation, relationships, cables behind your giant hd tv, corporate america, etc. just whatever you do, make sure it's confusing enough that no one person can come in and figure it all out and cause everything to be easily understood and clear. i mean, that would just be ridiculous. so next time you find yourself in life, try to tangle it all up and cause peoples' brains to fart. do it for me. haha. i just wrote fart. i bet you're thinking about farts now. you're weird.

ok, why do i rule so much. well, it all comes down to me being 30. and awesome. i pretty much decided to take myself sailing in the caribbean this past week. because i could. i just got back and to be more honest than i've ever been in life, it was the greatest thing i've ever done. at first, i was a little anxious about going to a tropical island by myself, but i forged ahead because some crazy strong unknown force was pulling me down there. all i knew was that i had to go. i had to go if i ever wanted to live my life effectively again. and you know what? i've been talking about either moving to a tropical island or sailing in the caribbean since high school. and, you wanna know what else? i realized that i hadn't really sailed in the caribbean and obviously didn't live on a tropical island. so, sort of last minute, i booked a flight, hotel, and sailing. it was a short holiday week so it worked out sort of perfectly.

well guess what. i figured it all out while i was down there. i literally mean everything. i've never been more sure of anything. this is why it was the greatest thing i've ever done. i guess the sailing in the caribbean part might have helped me to relax and be able to think more clearly... if you've never been, please promise yourself to go eventually. i can't think of anything else like it - you in your shorts and bikini top, sunscreen, shades, ice-cold presidente in hand, cutting through the indigo blue water with the wind in your hair, a smile on your face. and if you use that sunscreen appropriately, look forward to the best tan you've ever had in your life.

now, clearly that can't be the end of the greatest week of my entire life. while i was there sailing by myself with a totally amazing crew, i met 'vacation friends'. believe it or not, i wasn't the only lone 30-something in the tropics who was escaping from life. there were two others and we found each other on this magical sailboat. it was there that i met dr. 'a' and ms. 'e'. we bonded almost instantly and then within hours, had decided to become travel friends. so, not only did i figure out my entire life while sailing in one of the most beautiful places on earth, i had also met at least one ridiculously awesome person every single day. ridiculous.

so that's why i removed the old post. looking back, it was really just a placeholder for the greatness to come. the previous trip was with family and wasn't the greatest thing ever. while i was there though, i did find the islands to be very much to my liking. i normally dislike other cities/towns/etc, but even amid the travel and family, i had decided that i was pretty sure i loved this place. and, this newfound love affair i have with islands is definitely a topic for another deep (and lengthy) discussion.

and on good friday no less

2008-03-21T11:32:00.000-07:00

i'm gonna say probably yes. you guys. you're terrible.

oh, silly IT guys

2008-03-19T18:04:00.000-07:00

when I.T. guys refer to their respective teams as "the dark side", i just laugh to myself because there's no IT dark side. if we were living in the show "charmed", there would obviously be a dark side and we would obviously be the power of three fighting it. but much to my dismay, we're not. man i wish we were living in that show though. seriously. so anyway, IT teams aren't dark. if by dark you mean, lazy and difficult, then by all means. "dark" it is.

with IT, it's funny to me because a lot of these people actually believe their team is somehow dark or perhaps cool and that's why they say dark because it would completely negate the cool if they labeled it as such. most people can't say that they think they're cool and get away with it. (some people can. if you're them, call me. we should hang.) whenever i hear someone referencing this "dark" team, i liken it to two people mildly debating something really inconsequential. take bagels for example - if i start talking to you about the different types of bagels and we realize that you always go for whole grain ones and i always go for poppyseed ones, but then one day we're having bagels and you decide to discard your whole grain routine and hard left into a poppyseed one... whoa! welcome to the dark side, my friend!

i think that's precisely what i would say. and believe to be true. because bagels are a dark subject. and by dark, i don't think i mean cool. bagels aren't really that cool when you think about it. they're just yet another thing for us to warm and rub salted butter all over. wait. hold on a second here. why did you just let me take this there. geez. if i have to police myself, obviously the police will end up in my kitchen, drunk, perhaps high, rocking a pair of giant black wrap-around britney sunglasses, dancing to melissa manchester's greatest hits in ways they wouldn't want captured on photo and posted somewhere very, very public.

your new kicks are blinding me

2008-03-18T16:28:00.000-07:00

i've got something really important to discuss here. i don't know how much i have to say on the matter so, whatever. in true seinfeld fashion, people in airports wearing brand new shoes, what. is. the. deal. i've been noticing that nearly all of the non-business travelers in airports are doing it and i can't make any sense of the scenario.

when you fly somewhere for business or leisure, you have to account for 2 hours prior to the flight, the duration of the flight, and then another potential 90 - 120 minutes after for good logistical measure. and don't forget about delays. your effing plane could be coming from or heading to o'hare. in addition to the time commitment, you must also figure that there will be walking. and when i say walking, i mean it sister. you'll potentially walk like it's your last day of walking. ever. there can only be a handful of golden-oldies strapped to that giant, geriatric, continental golf cart. and realistically, you're probably not going to be one of them.

so why, given what you know of the duration of time you'll be on your precious feet, would you wear brand new shoes? shoes that you don't know and shoes that you don't trust. they're not old pals. you don't know what they're capable of. if you don't know why i'm even asking because your analysis of the situation leads you to thoughts of instant comfort, then i guess you're not wearing cool shoes. and if you're not, that's ok. not everyone can be like me. i'm pretty sure these young baggy pants guys, girls of all ages, their moms, and grandma-types are planning to depart for their cute little trips and say "hey, you know what would be fun? if i went out and got new shoes for the trip! yay!". i think that's what's running through their pretty little minds.

i also have another theory... but of course. a lot of the time i see new sneakers. obviously sneakers make good sense for walking-intensive travel. however, if you had to go out and buy sneakers for the trip because you didn't have any to begin with, well, that just tells me that america probably should be overweight. if you didn't have the sneakers, you haven't been exercising and that's why america is so fat. now that i've conjectured all over this post, i think that's pretty much what's happening. america is fat and lazy so obviously all people in airports are wearing brand new shoes. really pretty obvious. you should've stopped me back at golden-oldies.

if the guy in the cube next door doesn't quit adjusting his sinus cavity, i'm going to get physical. and not in a good way.

some advice

2008-03-11T07:27:00.000-07:00

never let anyone get this bad a picture of you.

eeeeeee.

military alphabet

2008-03-10T15:28:00.000-07:00

recently i decided to ensure i knew the military alphabet words. i mean, you never know when you're gonna need them. and since i care about people so much (you), i thought it would be helpful if i provided them here as your easy reference. no need to thank me. i know how much you appreciate it. x-ray, oscar. x-ray, oscar.

A: Alpha
B: Bravo
C: Charlie
D: Delta
E: Echo
F: Foxtrot
G: Golf
H: Hotel
I: India
J: Juliet
K: Kilo
L: Lima
M: Mike
N: November
O: Oscar
P: Papa
Q: Quebec
R: Romeo
S: Sierra
T: Tango
U: Uniform
V: Victor
W: Whiskey
X: X-Ray
Y: Yankee
Z: Zulu

real quick

2008-03-07T11:31:00.000-08:00

i don't know why everyone's afraid to just say it. so... me being the straight shooter that i am will help us out right here and now. we're in a recession. call it a day on all the fancy footwork. we're there.

on the subject of dogs boating, i like it. please watch the video in the link i'm providing. click on 'play commercial' in the top right. i'm pretty sure it will take you to the banner with the dog. if not, close out and try again until you see the dog. and don't get all "i'm too busy to click and close". you're not busy. you're here. i bet you should probably be focused on work or something right now but you're reading blogs instead. do what i say. i'm in charge.

if after you view said commercial, you find that it does not warm your heart, you're dead inside. go stand by fires and put them out with your ice cold heart.

ok. kisses.

http://www.discoverboating.com//

(or just be lazy and click this - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B0huSamSeys)

why i think guitar hero is cool

2008-03-04T08:49:00.000-08:00

i don't really have anything to say today. the purpose of me being here right now is to see just how much i can write without having anything to write about. this is probably going to turn into something reminiscent of a standardized test "surprise" topic writing sample. let's have a go.

guitar hero is a great game. there's all kinds of guitar hero too, not just one that they force you to play with. there's like four. i chose the 80s encore edition because i have a fever, and the only cure is 80s music.

when you're playing guitar hero 80s encore, it's like you're really playing the guitar. it makes you feel bad ass because you get to rock out to some sweet 80s songs. i mean, it's not all bananas and dancing with toothbrushes, though. there's like 30 songs and they're not all totally sweet. like, the oingo boingo song "only a lad", that's not so great. or, "wrathchild" by some band i can't recall right now. maybe it's iron maiden. anyway, i was trying to say that it's not perfection. there's no def leppard and there's no bangles. one or both of these bands in the set list would bring us closer to living in a giant white bowl of red guitar hero cherries.

guitar hero is a fun game for kids of all ages. did you see what i did there? first sentence was like 4th grade summation line in support of my argument, my totally b*tchin' argument for guitar hero 80s encore. this is my 4th grade writing sample so i'm allowed to write about video games. also, i'm like 3x the age of a 4th grader so i'm therefore authorized to use words like 'b*tchin' as well.

i don't know if you have guitar hero in your possession, but if you do, you should always always be playing it. i'm only taking a break right now so that i can ensure you know the importance of the game. in life. seriously. stop reading this and go make guitar hero happen in your life. you'll thank me. if you are not sure how to go about doing this, one thing i can highly recommend is "friday night guitar hero wine party".

if you are not in possession of guitar hero, we should probably schedule a conference with your parents to discuss your recent performance in this classroom. not pretty, my friend. not pretty.

when life drops 150,000 lemons on your head, make lemon beverages

2008-02-13T13:54:00.000-08:00

i'm currently working for a place, while i'm working for a place. it's like two jobs in one. you should hold back your excitement and hide your jealousy because i'm not in the mood to pretend to be modest. not everyone can do what i do for the purposes of the corporate hor business world. i'm almost single-handedly making the world go 'round. what did you do today?

no ok. i'm kidding, you guys. i stalk developers in india just before they leave after working at least 12 hours and then i fill out a bunch of spreadsheets with the stuff they told me they had done during the day to pretty much get me to let them alone so they can go home. after i finish filling in the spreadsheets, i read the mail. the mail contains a lot of people talking to themselves and raising both rhetorical issues and questions that no one can or will ever answer or ever be able to or even want to. it's just a good way to jam up the system so no one has any idea what anyone is talking about or trying to do. fine.

what was the point. the point was that i do all this for you. i feel compelled to propel the business climate back into the black. we're obviously in a recession and i'm here to tell you that i will do my best to help us out of it, spreadsheets in hand, because clearly, i could do this all by myself. and clearly, i enjoy punctuation.

now while i'm dong all this selfless activity for you, i may tend to get really bored. i know - how could that be. just now for instance, i was thinking of ways to amuse myself until perhaps 11pm (my time) when i get to leave the work camp. i'm in another time zone and that's neither here nor there, but definitely part of this fascinating equation. here's what i came up with for things i could do to pass eternity:

go do rounds on all the floors wearin my white on white sneakers and high-rise jeans cuz there's a bunch of floors and i could be like a mall walker who rounds them... except, not
drink one of the abundantly free pop/sodas. i don't drink pop, but i may start today
take my laptop and go sit in a cube with another person. it's pretty common here. i wonder what the guy would do if i sat down in his cube where some other guy usually sits. along with him. because we sit 2 to a cube... i'll be honest. i miss michael when he's not there.
think up new ways to terrorize my boss. from every possible time zone. trust me, there's a lot.
try to imagine what crazy shenanigan ellen's gotten herself into on the show today. she's so crazy. that one.
read the blogs. wait. i already did that.
call my mom. wait. i already did that.
call my dad. wait. i already did that.
call my sister. wait...
figure out what to ask maureen dowd if we ever finally get to have drinks

so when i say 'make lemon beverages', i mean drink bourbon/vodka/whiskey/gin/rum/tequila and hold the rocks. and don't drink them together like that sentence makes it seem. you could die. i mean, maybe you want that. i don't know. don't die though. talk to you later.

here's to vegetables

2008-02-05T19:03:00.000-08:00

i think... it's time... that i made everyone really sick to their stomachs. i mean, when do i ever do that? seriously. never. i don't even want to hear you telling me that i'm gross because in reality, i'm not gross. you're probably way more gross. i'm just the messenger and you are not supposed to be mad at me. that's the law. don't hate the player.

i read something disgusting today and whenever i read or see or hear something disgusting, i try to pass it on to, well, anyone, because it's like a song that gets stuck in your head - you have to pass it on because energy in motion tends to stay in motion and you, fine reader, are going to be the recipient of the unusually disgusting energy that i've captured. otherwise, i could leave you with these lyrics: benny! benny! benny! b-b-b-benny and the jets! (it's really up to you.)

so, be a good kid and click on the link and accept that i'm cramming really bad tasting goop down your poor little throat.

good luck with this. god speed.

ask and you shall receive

2008-01-16T20:56:00.000-08:00

so i was hanging around this liquor and wine store a few nights ago. i know. i know. what would a nice girl like me be doing in a place like that. i think the only logical explanation is that i'm trouble with a capital t, which i won't actually use here since we all know why. anyway, an interesting scenario unfolded before my very eyes during this liquor store excursion and since it's 2008 and i'm kinda bored, i have decided to share the tale of 'crazy liquor store man' with all of you.

i parked my decent rental car and headed inside to locate our old new friend, jim beam black. as i was carefully treading/holding my over sized belt-less pants up while crossing the ice sheet/parking lot, i heard a bit of a commotion to my left. you may or may not know this about me, but i don't react to commotions or bells or beeps or whistles or anything like that. i continued on.

now, when the commotion starts to reach "levels", obviously i'm going to become more and more curious and probably sneak a peak. luckily for me, and you, the man at the root of the commotion was highly animated, highly obnoxious, and was clutching a small brown wiener dog, football style. i had no choice but to watch his route as he shouted profanities whilst marching into oncoming cars, across a sheet of parking lot ice. 'crazy liquor store man' (or clm) stepped in front of a red solara and shouted at the driver to stop. i believe it was something like, "you will stop! i am a pedestrian! i have the right of way! this is bullsh*t!". he continued on as i stayed back to create a buffer between myself and the crazy. this is when i noticed that he was entering the store i was planning to enter. so i thought to myself, "maybe i should abort. the last thing i need is to get held up at gunpoint while i'm out of town." then i thought, "he's clutching a small dog. there's no way this could go south. proceed."

i walk into the store to find him chastising the two middle-aged women running it. they are not surprised nor upset by his presence. in fact, this is their second encounter with him on the night. he's shouting stuff and things regarding this being his second trip and having to drive all the way down here again, blah, blah, i hate you, you're horrible at your job, xyz, my girl didn't do "nothing" wrong... he was belligerent and clearly a zealot. the women dismissed him and asked him to never return, ever, again. i believe the one said, "you're 86'd. don't ever come back." he flew out the door, dog in arm, and disappeared into the night.

when i walked up to pay for my friend, the ladies felt it necessary to debrief me on the experience we had just shared. clm had been in earlier with a chick. she did not have id. everyone must have id to enter the store. they asked clm and chick to leave. they were pissed. later, clm's *wife* shows up to make the purchase that is apparently for clm and his gf, who may or may not have been underage. later still, clm shows up again with small brown wiener dog to publicly berate employees.

so that's what i have for you. it's not much and you may disagree with me when i say that it was pretty exciting for a tuesday night, but i'm blogging and that's what's really important here. all i know is that i must be missing large chunks of the saga because i do not see why one would feel compelled to grab the dog and haul it "all the way back down to the gd liquor store" for the purposes of a negatively charged outburst regarding both your wife and girlfriend's alcohol needs. let me know if you have ideas on ways to fill in the blanks here. my crazy liquor store man is your crazy liquor store man.

and another thing - vodka left me karen walker-y. beer left me full and without buzz. wine turned my teeth blue and gave me heartburn. but bourbon and blended scotch whiskey, well they appear to just make me a more playful, content shade of... me. might be worth a look. discuss amongst yourselves.

it's like a prison break over here

2008-01-11T12:10:00.000-08:00

i have finally reached the point where twitter just isn't getting the job done on its own anymore. i need to be more verbose and luxuriate in my words, here, all over our internet connections. how lucky for you to get lumped into this with me. i feel the need for word vomit - don't be grossed out. last time i checked, word vomit was the best kind to have all over you.

i want to say things like artful dodger, annette funicello, gibson les paul, frosty the snowman, and gorgonzola, simply because i can and don't have to concern myself with being confined to a measley cell that's 140 characters wide. mary poppins. orange juice. axl rose. there, i just wasted space with literally nothing and it felt amazing. seriously. it feels like i just broke out of a really cute, witty, fun, tiny prison. whew. david bowie. belgium. this is fantastic. the fresh air is excellent out here, my friends. let's drink it in together. mmmmm. wait, top mine off with some bourbon. ok. now i'm ready.

deep breaths. go.

sheesh

2007-12-20T10:15:00.000-08:00

some people can be very manipulative (that's you, random commenters as of late). and because you have been deprived of my fantasticalness for so long, i have stopped in to wish you a merry one. or two. or three. whatever. just don't let me find you with your head in a toilet during this most wonderful time of the year (sharda). maybe if you're caught being really nice, i'll start posting again... but knowing you people, that's just not gonna happen is it. enjoy!

i've been lax

2007-10-06T07:34:00.000-07:00

and, this is still not me posting a real post.

i was just in my gmail, composing email, when i noticed something peculiar. maybe you won't think it's peculiar. i think it is. i guess it's because i can't help but wonder, "how am i not somehow involved with this?"

i do not cheat on people or things, usually

2007-09-11T21:46:00.000-07:00

i mean, i'm not married and i don't have an official boyfriend so i can't cheat. i don't have anyone to cheat on. except for like, now. i feel like i've been cheating on my blog with twitter.com. please go check it out if you don't know what it is yet. it's like a blog except not quite. after a few weeks of use, i've decided that it's a lite blog that you post one-liners to from your phone via text (from anywhere) and it's awesome. you can talk to yourself in your text messages. how cool is that?

i'm in there via rachel fitzwater. my address is below. and fyi, there's nothing to "get". once you go to the site and read some stuff, you'll be all logical and question what the h you're looking at. but don't do it. it's literally nothing. you just talk to yourself while others read it from a far and instead of composing a blog post, you can just text one in from the old cellular telephone. do it, people. it's fun.

http://twitter.com/rachelfitzwater

i want to live in the tbs show 'my boys'. pretzels are good.

stuff and things

2007-09-07T16:03:00.000-07:00

now that i'm feeling a little better, i would like to say a few words about max. he was one of the greatest animals that will ever walk the planet and he was my oldest friend. we were pals for 15 years. i'm about to turn 30 so our time together equates to half of my life. after i heard the news, i wasn't sure what to do so i pretty much did nothing. for hours. later that day, i hugged a box of his milkbones for 2 minutes because i still had them in my cabinet next to the cheerios and hugging that box made sense because obviously i could never hug him again. i miss him a lot. it's hard to lose your dog.

so thanks to the friends who left kind sympathy in my comments. for jeremy, i'm still debating whether or not to ban you from commenting here in honor of max. max would've given jeremy a kiss to get him to stop doing something he didn't like. i may ban him from commenting. we will see. i may change my mind and do what max would've done (and be nice, not actually kiss jeremy).

on to other matters. remember this one? well, it's been backfiring. i'm being passively stalked via text message and it's effed up. you see, he's kind of a d-bag. i told the kid i just wanted to be friends after he started being mentally young and an idiot. and also, he's bored/boring and alone in a new town so... you do the math. i generally get a text at the most inopportune of moments and it's generally inappropriate. i think it's because he's a d-bag. i tried to snap a picture of the one i received last night but my camera couldn't capture it in the way we needed for this medium. it's inappropriate and dumb because a) we never did it and b) we never talk. it goes like this (and i quote):

d-bag: wanna have sex later

me: ew. no

rest in peace, little max.

2007-08-31T07:45:00.000-07:00

some thoughts i have for youz guys

2007-08-23T20:42:00.000-07:00

1. a-ha - 'take on me' is the greatest music video to ever grace our faces. it might also be the greatest 80s song to ever do that as well but i can't make that declaration right at this moment. that would be complicated and bold and it's getting late and i've had "some" wine.

2. if you watch airplanes approach the airport at night like i do sometimes from my giant windows, you'll notice that they much resemble unusually large, illuminated phallics. i just used that word however i wanted. conversate is another word i do that with because i do what i want.

3. i would go live here in a heartbeat, tomorrow, if they would have me.

4. wolf spider count '07 = 2. wolf spider decessions count '07 = 2. they had to die and deep down, i kinda think they wanted it that way because they are dark, sick, and twisted.

4. steph and sarah will lick your eye if you are not careful. so, i would be careful unless you want that.

tuh-may-toe, ta-mah-toe

2007-08-14T19:49:00.000-07:00

hey so, why am i the only one on the planet who loves tomatoes? like, i effing love them. i love roma, heirloom, yellow, grape, cherry, sun-dried, you name it, tomatoes. i am to the point of obsession where i could tell you the difference between them in a blind taste test - not that you would care or be able to determine if i was even right because you hate them so much. and you know what? they hate you. maybe quit growing them in your garden.

some people i know are obsessed with drinking water. i agree that this is a worthwhile cause and i partake as much as one can. i'm just saying, tomatoes. sure, they ooze and gush when you take a bite. that's all just part of the magic. we all know you've had way worse oozy things in your mouth.

my neighbor threw two at me yesterday for my burgers because he knows, nothing's better than premium burgers hot off the grill, draped in thin slices of succulent, red, coolness. seriously. what's wrong with you. they are both delicious and nutritious. hello. lycopene. where are you getting your lycopene. you probably aren't. good luck with that.

i would say more but you'll be dead soon from lycopene deficiency so i won't.

now let's go melt some faces

2007-08-12T19:41:00.000-07:00

ok. i know you're like me. you know tons of people. i know tons of people. let's make magic happen with all the people we know.

i would like to "get to know" one of the following handsome, gentle, kind, young, boys next door types. i would for you to help me, help you, help me get in touch with one or all of them. here they are in no particular order - ryan reynolds, jesse bradford, adam brody, cappie from greek, josh duhamel, or jerry o'connell if you can make it so that he stops loving his brand new wife for me. it's hollywood and it could happen. and way sooner than you think. so yeah. let's get "our" networks in gear and get one of these hot, hot men in my great room. stat!

i know. i know. you're wondering where the wisdom and truth happens in this one. well, friends, it happens right here. with your help, we can all learn just how powerful networking can be when i finally get the chance to delicately entice jonathan bennett in several inappropriate ways this blog should not disclose. i gotta keep this place safe for the minors. oh, minors. do not add any minors to the list because that would be a list of boys we would not be tracking down unless you have devised a machine suitable for time travel, in which case, we would now have a whole other list that would need to be attended to, my friends. and if you were holding out on me with news of your time machine... i would be all kinds of hurt. but the wine would help. all the expensive, dry, red, red wine would help.

bing bong

2007-08-09T19:26:00.000-07:00

when i was growing up in big don's house, she had a rule that stuck with me (among hundreds that did not); always, always call before you try to stop at someone's house unannounced. whenever the bell rang, we were not allowed to answer it unless we had previously received a call on said visit. it was very annoying to me and my sister because we just wanted to answer the effing door in case a boy was trying to visit us (usually not though as most people feared big don like they feared heights or ice cream trucks). then one day, a switch flipped in our brains and we didn't move an inch if doorbell ringing was not preceded by telephone ringing. it's like our big don programming just all of a sudden kicked in, never to be undone. i think she wanted us to be the types of people that didn't jump at the sound of a bell or car horn. done and done, big d.

which brings me to today. i personally don't answer the door when it rings because 4 times out of 5, it's a jesus person trying to sell jesus to me and if i move off the sofa to find that it isn't mr. fantasy arriving to whisk me off to vegas, i'mna get violent. if my mom or sister are in the driveway, my phone immediately starts ringing and then it's drums of fun for hours. and hours.

i guess the moral of the story is that i think this is a suitable tradition in our modern day and age. call people before you ring their bell because if ya don't, they may have to get up off the sofa and answer the door to find someone trying to sell jesus to them (because you probably won't be just ringing peoples' doorbells at 9pm on a thursday night if you're not). think if it was you. you would be pretty annoyed to journey all the way to the front door for THAT. also, what if they're indecent? you probly don't wanna see that shit. unless of course it's ryan reynolds hanging out all by his lonesome wearing only a pair of worn in jeans so you show up all soaking wet in nothing but a trenchcoat, holding a sizable... wait. that's neither here nor there. next time, maybe just try txting/ringing before you ding. wisdom and truth '07.

come to me, cover me, hold me

2007-08-05T21:53:00.000-07:00

i'm hungover. here's what's been going on in my life:

a) i've been playing golf because i rule at it:

b) chop at poker trying to entice okayseriously to come over and join the fun (to no avail):

c) hot vendor guy and i at erasure concert where they had giant condoms on the bar for the taking; here's what tequila shots and chains of love looks like:

d) indians game with new employer - workin pretty hard in my sweet seats:

e) karaoke revolution - how can i be so freaking good at this:

and i love that new show greek. you should so watch it.

what is wrong with you

2007-07-23T20:04:00.000-07:00

why are you so attracted to rob schneider? he's little and kinda hairy. i do not know what your deal is, but i am amused. i mean really. deuce bigalow, male tasty. what? you have issues. get some help.

margarita jug going well. thanks for asking.

you're a lazy hor

2007-07-15T21:28:00.000-07:00

no. wait. i'm a lazy hor. i will be on vacation soon so that's me. not you. sorry for any hardships my title may have caused.

while i'm not working for the man, i will be enjoying my life for a change. i was just thinking of activities for a suitable agenda and luckily, i was able to throw some things together. have a look at what i'm thinking thus far:

some time after 7am - awaken
some time after i awaken -drink delicious coffee
some time after drinking delicious coffee - dress in suitable clothing
some time after dressing in suitable clothing - drive to gc for some number of holes (golf. what other kind would i be trying to drive into)
some time after suitable amount of hole driving - return home and lose 90% of clothing, text boy toy
some time after losing clothing - lay poolside with pre-made margarita jug
some time after being kicked out of neighborhood pool - return home for nap
some time after waking from nap - play ddr in my kitchen and kick its ass
some time after kicking ddr's ass - conduct 80s dance party in aforementioned kitchen
some time after bitchin 80s dance party - pass out on cold kitchen floor
some time after kitchen floor pass out - relocate to first floor bedroom, adjacent to kitchen
some time after relocation - awaken sometime after 7am

it's a lather, rinse, repeat. i think it's a winner. i didn't want to cloud the agenda with too many details, however, there will be time for blogging. i don't want anyone to feel left out of my time off. i want you to feel left in.

because i'm still dedicated to dotting your lives with wisdom, here's a snap of the safety precautions that arrived alongside of my ddr dance pads. you guys be sure to avoid strong jump or shake because i worry about ya when we're not together.

smooth operator

2007-07-08T19:49:00.000-07:00

there is 1 reasons for my coolness as of late. yes, yes. you are correct - i was always cool and always very operatively smooth. however, i did 1 extra cool things in the last 3 days, which i will share with you momentarily.

but first, i would like to take this time to speak about DDR, aka 'dance dance revolution'. i possess this treasure and wanted you to know that DDR extreme 2 is way easier than DDR max 2. DDR max 2 will kinda kick your butt. f. y. i. if you happen to be peeping into my kitchen like the peeper that you are, you will find me in there dancing like i have no tomorrow. it's ok. i want you to watch. keep doing it.

now for my coolness. i'm sharing this with everyone because i want it to take hold and gain in popularity so others may enjoy the fruits of this labor. it all went down friday afternoon at happy hour. i was with horface and special dark. chop, scott, and keith had just hit the road. we were chilling with our summer ales; sarah with her vodka cran, when i noticed a handsome young gent seated at the bar that was just across the aisle. he was totally my type so i couldn't stop sneaking stares. about 15 minutes later, his pal showed up - also totally my type. if you know my type, you're wondering why it's even my type. if you don't know my type, it's a skinny, light-haired, dude with glasses. he and i were catching a glimpse every few minutes and i think we made eye contact twice.

so the old staring competition went on for about 25 minutes when i decided that i was going to do something as my time at this bar was soon to end. after all, it's rare that i happen upon one of these specimens even once a year. this is when i let horface and special dark in on the fun. i disclosed my move; "the sbc slider" - sbc standing for "strategic business card". i was going to write my cell digits alongside a clever little message and pass it to said dude upon my exit route. horface and special dark approved and felt that my plan was surreal and usually only seen in movies. indeed. by a show of comments, who has ever done this or had it done to them?

the plan was thrown into action as we made our way out of the bar, me trailing in last position. he stirred a bit as it was clear that we were leaving. now for the magic: i kinda slid up to him, touched his arm, and slid my clever little message card into his bar space while i muttered "hey, here you go", and just continued out of the establishment without a second look or thought. seriously, how james bond is that.

well party people, mr. michael business card called danielle approximately 24 hours later. yeah he did. we're havin drinks this week. i recommend this tricky trick if you can't bear to leave the venue where the cute person is and not make sure they have your number. it was pretty liberating knowing that he had my digits and that was all i could do. i didn't have to wonder what could've happened because i knew he would call if he could. and if he couldn't, i did what i needed to do.

heed. pants. now.

2007-07-01T19:40:00.000-07:00

so hi there. i've been racking my brain for nuggets of wisdom and coming up dry. part of the problem with the new wisdom and truth platform is that i decided to implement it at a time when i've essentially stopped drinking as well. there's nothing interesting happening around here unless i'm drunk. we can throw that "you have a drinking problem" crap out the window. life's a little more interesting when you're high on alcohol or cigarettes. trust me. well, i mean you know. you see the frequency of posts when i'm dry. what do you think?

my friend tim asked me why i haven't been drinking. like, he said, "why, danielle? why no drinks anymore?" he asked because a) i used to drink a lot and b) i'm still as unhappy as i've ever been with my life. i thought about it for a while and said, "i think i'm not drinking because i'm sad and depressed." he said, "but sad, depressed people drink. a lot. like, it gets dangerous."

so, in light of my friend tim's wisdom, i'm going to be kicking it up a few notches again. i'm going to start drinking more than just a glass of wine or a bud light. i'm going to have a few glasses of wine and a few bud lights (all in the same effort). and, then i'm going to top that off with a menthol light(s) that i will probably purchase from chop's neighbor who rolls them by hand in his garage so as to cheapen the expense of the ones you buy at the store. he can make his own for a $1 a pop. he now spends $600 a year on cigs instead of $3600. i commend you, tall bob. good show.

there's your truth. roll your own cigs. then sell them to me for a $1. also, drink while you smoke. and maybe don't let your kids get their wisdom and truth from here.

dear aunt nancy

2007-06-27T11:39:00.000-07:00

i heard you're under the weather. i want you to feel better soon. please do so at your earliest convenience because when you hurt, i hurt. :(

love,
danielle

flapjacks. and tampons.

2007-06-03T23:49:00.000-07:00

firstly, i'm going to try something different here at cheesecakepot. i'm going to begin imparting wisdom and truth into your asses, but not in a gross way. i hope to ensure that each post provides my readership with meaningful facts and figures on important matters in life so that you may live yours in a more effective manner.

secondly, tampons changed my life. once i started using them, i discovered that i no longer had to frivolously misemploy my sacred, high school swim class sick days. man, was i burning through those suckers. once the teeps were onboarded, life was smooth sailing and i would never again have to hear ms. patti gatti shout, "danni! get in the pool!". some days you just didn't want your perfect hair to get all jacked up. i know you know. with tampons, i was finally in a position to leverage such predicaments. you may pass this information along as needed.

thirdly, i would like to discuss pancakes. for years i've had strong feelings regarding the extras culinary masters have embedded into these flat yet fluffy blankets of bread-like bread. i've had them with blueberries. i've had them with apples. i've had them with chocolate chips. i've had them with bacon strips. i've had them on a plane and i've had them on a train. i've had them with jam and i've had them with pam; i do not like them sam i am. now for your wisdom and truth; pancakes need to be left in their plain and natural way so that we may enjoy them with assorted syrups and butters of our choosing.

and that is what i have for you today.

how tampons changed my life

2007-05-24T19:40:00.000-07:00

seriously. i think it's time i told you about this. if you just yakked all over your desk, i'll come clean it up. wait. that's gross. you clean it up.

no i know. i know. where the h have i been. did the old mafioso really steal me away to the caribbean. did i die. did i finally start to dance for money. did work really chew me up and spit me out a 40 story skyscraper window and leave me as goop on the street below (well, yes as a matter of fact). did i forget that i had a blog; or worse, a faithful blog readership. no. no is the answer to six of the seven questions.

please accept my sincere apology.

so what happened here - i grew more disappointed in myself than one should ever and it was dark and cold and hollow and empty. that's what happened here. and when you find yourself in this state that you and solely you helped yourself into, you hit the distilled grapes and safety of your giant sofa and pajamas (or really just the same few articles of clothing, repeatedly). hard. there are still good days and bad days, but overall, i think the worst is behind me. if you ever want to hear this story's highlights, come to cleveland, hit ciroc, i'll speak at length, you can ask if i'm really telling the truth. we will explore our depths together and discuss our feelings. let me know if this is a party you want to be at and i'll assign roles for everyone upon arrival. check.

i do feel very badly about how i disappeared for ages. the fact of the matter is that my work situation really did turn into something dark and cold to me and then, when i did have an official, true shot at escaping, the new employer really effed my shit up good (pardon the french grammar). that's what i've been doing since mid-january; trying to get back to good. i might be just about back and that's why i'm here to apologize and start the literal expression once more. there was much vodka and much nelly furtado 'say it right'. no-oh you don't mean n-uh-thin at all to me-ee... (not you though. the people at place of employment b)

so i'm back and i'm better and i'm here to rock you like a hurricane. forgive me and we can have a kick-off and get this place all crazy-face delicious again.

old men find me to be somewhat of a sexpot

2007-02-03T14:17:00.000-08:00

wow you guys. it's been a rough couple of weeks. all i wanted to do was hide in my giant sofa by the fire with a glass of old vine zin, watching college basketball in the 9 degrees of icy chill cleveland's been offering me. and by that i meant, vodka with olives 80s dance party in my kitchen. curses. i can't lie to you people. instead of the comfy chair goodness i just described, i had to endure countless hours of cruel and unusual work punishment.

i don't think i was personally being punished per se. it only felt that way. the management is cruel and unusual so that's what i was feeling; them. and lots. (and i know you're gonna get me on that one.) all i could do was oblige and accept everything they were serving and nothing sucks the life out of me more than when i have to just take what people are giving. anyway, i think i'll be back for a while since, well, i'm not at liberty to say. sorry.

since you wouldn't be interested in hearing about the intricacies of my sad sack work situation, i will instead subject you to other situations that totally belong in this forum. the upcoming pair of happenstance tragedies involve two sirs; irish pete and big italian. knowing me, knowing you, i bet it won't be too difficult to imagine where this is going. was there vodka? well no, actually. maybe i'll just tell my stories since there's no way you would be able to guess at the contents of this neatly wrapped silver package i'm about to smack you in the face with.

let's begin with irish pete. he's the "homeless irish immigrant laborer who sleeps under the bridge at 14th" and i found him in an upscale restaurant where they serve amazing thai food in a cozy little atmosphere. he was sitting at the table beside us making nice with the wait staff. i noticed him because i notice people who are blending because they're trying to sort of stand out, if you will. he was sort of blending because he could but also starting to increase his unique presence until it popped. again, you're gross for thinking what you're thinking. so as he started to get theatrical, i decided to partake in the fun and *allow* him to join my party. he was going to join us whether we were okay with it or not so i figured it would be entertaining and played along with his homeless-ness game.

he slid over and told his homeless irish sleeping under the bridge story and requested some of my wine. and obviously i allowed the homeless man some wine. who wouldn't. he went on and on in his irish accent with his clean fingernails and more than decent clothes about how he sleeps under a bridge and we played along. finally he slipped and spoke of his days at OU. yeah kids, that's college. we also saw at least one $1000 bill slip out of his pockets. irish pete's jig was up and the waiters were visibly concerned that we wouldn't ever come back to their cute & cozy new hotspot so they helped us into a fib regarding our husbands who had called moments prior inquiring on our dinner status.

as we stood and found our way into coats, he came clean and boldly stated, "i just wanna get laid!". so i did what every good friend does and motioned over to my gal pal on the left as a good place to get such things. he then started talking about the dudes sitting at the front table and immediately lost interest. and...that was that. we left. thanks for the memories, irish pete. thanks for the memories.

big italian. you know what, he will be the next post. he deserves his own place in my little sunny area. and by that i mean, he wants to take me to the caribbean because he finds me so irresistible.

dear aunt nancy

2007-01-26T22:50:00.000-08:00

please stop lurking in the shadows and comment. thanks.

your friend,
danielle

i can't stop listening to the silver spoons theme song

2007-01-25T20:51:00.000-08:00

one word - ringtone. yeah. i did it. i'm an effing genius.

i have missed you guys. work has been pretty ridiculous. i haven't had a drop of alcohol since monday. do you read me?? monday was the last time i had the spirits. it's a new fucking record and not in a good way. (ooh, sorry for the french.) but yeah, work's been having major badness and i've been dedicated to making the badness go away. yeah. hi? the corporate asshats are highly misinformed. i couldn't help george michael find his man junk in a public restroom if i wanted. no offense, BGK. oh yes i did. eat it. and bret michaels is also still all up ons. i told her you said hi. then she spit her dip at me. i don't know. maybe she hates you. i don't know.

so here's a tidbit and a status note. i'll be back this weekend and... below is the label from the fedex box that ONE of my married boyfriends sent to me. i have a bunch of them and they are fantastic - you know who you are. they buy and send me stuff in the form of cabs, semi-sweet chocolates, and starbucks. one of them bribed me with "godiva candies" if i said nice things about him on his performance review. um, duh. i said nice things about him. godiva "candies" are heavenly. i don't care who you are, you will disclose national secrets to get them in your mouth. we're still talking about chocolates right?

so it says that they should not deliver to an intoxicated person. why did they let me have this?

talk dirty to me, brett michaels. ew. no don't.

2007-01-22T20:49:00.000-08:00

i was going to tell you about my recent run-ins with brett michaels, but i'm sure you don't even care because no one wants to hear about poison anymore. they are old news. literally. very old. and, along those same lines, brett should cut his old damn hair. he looks like brett michaels shaved all the long, flowing, crimped, unruly, bleached, streaky blonde hair off of all the hair bands of the 80s and created a hair suit, except not for his body - for his head. it puts the lotion in the basket. er, deep conditioner on its hair. and gets it cut, and i mean like more than once every 6 years. and stop loving yourself so damn much. your time is gone pal. brett michaels is a pain in my giant sweet ass lately. seriously. i welcome any ideas anyone has on how i might extract his things from my stuff.

after i spent the day sifting through brett's hair, i finally left work and stopped off to pick up a few essentials. and by essentials, i mean bud light cans, menthol lights, and lottery tickets. i stopped at the cute little grocery by my house and purchased only these 3 items. how much did brett michaels influence ME today!? well, you know. he and i are crazy bitches. you know.

JV texted me from horlando and first told me that special dark had changed out of his pump clothes. all i have to say is YES. i want to see these pump clothes. immediately. and stat. i mean, don't you? pump clothes? hello! how often do you get to see someone in their pump clothes. dammit. let's do this.

he then esplained that they were gonna drink dial me. i loves when the mens drink dial me. and i just had an idea; i will get him to send mms pics to me of the wide variety of email nerds there so i can post them for you here and then we can all share in some type of physical reaction to them - nerds in florida. i'm not sure that film ever got made. right?

bachelorettes and sausages

2007-01-21T14:59:00.000-08:00

there are some things i'm going to do in 2007. they're not necessarily resolutions, either. i just want them. really bad. you already know about one so that's not going to be a surprise. number two might be a surprise, but i know you and you like surprises so you'll be fine. this is them in no particular order:

1. open a hip wine bar because i love wine and i love bars & i'll probably need a new hip one day
2. be provided with an icy forever diamond for my left hand's ring finger

that's it. just those. #2 can happen first or it can happen second. like i said, i won't mind which order but i will be severely (further) damaged if neither happens within the next 300 days.

in other matters, i went out with some of my people on saturday night. it was fun. we ate polish food from a very polish place. we sat beside a man. the man played piano music for us. it was delightful. here is a picture of my friend meg. she's always got her mouth near something. seriously, will you please look at her eyes? be glad you are not that kielbasa sausage. man. this picture alone is enough to hold this post afloat. there's more.

after meg finished up with her bidness, we proceeded to a bar. the bar was unreasonably inexpensive. there were five of us and i was able to buy a round of the alcoholic beverages for under $18. wtf. why am i not still there. i don't know. oh i know. the bachelorettes. they're why we had to leave. they would not get off the boys we had in attendance. literally.

whilst imbibing at this magical bar, bachelorettes showed up. you knew they would. and these were no ordinary bachelorettes. these bachelorettes had giant racks AND blue balls affixed to their heads by way of plastic headbands. i can really only say one thing in response to this; holy freakin awesome you big b-rettes. and also, i believe i attended middle school with the one who couldn't stop taunting people with her blue balls. strange situation to find ourselves in, yes? they were smashed pretty darn good but still lucid enough to be able to determine that the now six of us were totally sweet bitches and dudes. as soon as they could, they sloshed their midwestern cloud on over to our table. you would be remiss if you did not figure they had a bachelorette party card game in tow.

they were in search of a boy who would assist them in their quest for 100 points. all he had to do was tear his shirt off and pump his guns before a crowded bar. luckily, like i said before, we are all sweet bitches and dudes so my friend f.n.g. agreed to strip for the drunk ladies. any of us would have done anything to assist anyone attain 100 points. you probably would do the same. it's 100 points and that's a lot of points. so he stood up as i motioned to everyone to ensure we had a sizable gallery for the spectacle on deck. in one swift movement, he tore his shirt up and flexed for the cameras. the ladies cheered. the cameras flashed. f.n.g.'s bare chest is now on my blog for the whole world to see. thanks, man. and thanks to you, b-rettes. and also to meg and the sausages.

if you look closely, you can see the blue balls on her head. oh yes. i just did. snap.

random run

2007-01-17T19:52:00.000-08:00

christopher cross has the voice of an angel
hall & oates have a catchy tune i never knew about - 'missed opportunity'
demetri martin is allowed to be my husband one day
i forgot to tell you that corporate lung juice also talks with her mouth full of gooey lunch food during conference calls. mmmm. yummy.
sno-caps - where the hell have you been, bitches
ditto, strawberry zingers
if i had a nickel for every time i got stranded in a columbian jungle wearing heels and a puffy coat...
during last week's office episode, i laughed for an hour at the part where phyllis and karen drive off with makeovers
whatever happened to the hottie real world boys; rugged jamie from new orl, blonde surfer attorney aaron from venice beach, lumberjack shawn from boston (?), greazy mike from miami (funniest season btw, hands down)
and completely unrelated, i'm all for viagra
i was born to be a second wife - also unrelated
a menthol light is going to be on tap
i grew up watching this repeatedly. where is my brantley whitfield carlton foster?
lime chips are crazy-face delicious
this one is an effing genius with blog titles
do you think corona tastes like water, too?

and his name is chair

2007-01-16T17:39:00.000-08:00

i walked into work this morning and found that someone had furnished me with new furniture; a new place to rest my old sweet ass. and i love him so much in fact, that i'll hump him right now. i'm not kidding. for real. i said hump. we'll hump. now.

i'm here to tell you that i'm always up for surprises of this nature and caliber. yes, of course i miss old one. he and i were together for 6 years - i'm not heartless. we also didn't get to say a proper good-bye. normally i would be having closure issues at this point, but new one has maybe, i don't know...... only 43,000 different configuration options so that i may regularly indulge in corporate comfort. publicly. and at will.

have a look -

um, i said look, hors. quit licking the gd screen. he's mine.

hi, is jesus there?

2007-01-13T12:58:00.000-08:00

that title looks familiar because it is. i was just telling you a karaoke microphone story where jesus may or may not have been summons-d. i guess i was apparently calling him and he answered because he rang my doorbell at 9am this fine, rainy, cold, saturday morning. wtf jesus. don't effing do that. cold rainy saturday morning = sleep in. oh, but it wasn't a total loss. he left presents for me. and if he left them for me, clearly they will find a way to you.

here's what he left in my door. if you just glance at it right when you get up - prior to coffee, i think the woman and child are petting a monkey. is that normal and right behavior for 'woman and child'? i know, i know. they're human too and sometimes they need to pet a monkey.

if you inspect it more closely after coffee, i'm fairly certain it's a bear. which leads me to my next question; what in the world makes these two morons think they should be petting a bear? uh hey, jesus - could you tell your morons that bears can chomp their heads off and that they should stick to normal petting? you know, normal petting. like monkeys. petting monkeys is normal and fine.

gin headache

2007-01-10T19:17:00.000-08:00

yes. it is back. i am here to tell you a tale; a tale of creative crafts for the poor. it's the good time you never knew you could have with mere pennies a day.

did you know that you can generate hours of entertainment in your family room and all with just a karaoke microphone securely affixed to your television? you can have a figurative brimming trunk of grandiose riches with just one small, simplistic piece of antiquated electronic technology - a microphone (cordless or otherwise).

it begins in my family room with me, microphone, and tv. oh yes, and drunk is present. but you knew that. so here's the deal folks, obtain any microphone and then plug it into one of your tv's ports. then, just talk. about everything. since you most likely have people and animals living in your homes, this will be 100x more interesting than it is for me. i'm basically just glorifying my discussions with myself and broadcasting them throughout the house via my tv speakers. and don't get me wrong when i say it will be 100x times more interesting for you. i just mean that it entertained me 100x more than whatever my pre-microphone state was and that you may actually find that it's 200x more interesting given the attendance at your places of residence. that's what i'm trying to say. discard 100x. make it 200x.

if only there were video... there is not. in addition to the karaoke revivals, these are some examples of commonly uttered phrases:

thankyouverymuch
i'm here all week
you're beautiful
I AM YOUR FATHER
fix me a turkey pot pie...
...bitch
i would just like to say... (very many things regarding absolutely nothing)
hi, is jesus there?
hi, this is jesus

amazing no? you'll be surprised and amused with what comes out of your mouth when there's a microphone in your hands. this was all retrieved in the thick of my morning gin headache. i had a tanqueray gin martini the other night and i awoke the next morning to headache ala gin (and several fond memories of karaoke mic). now the headache may be due to the lack of gin in my life until this year of 29. but then i think you could probably attribute it to the gin martini, the beer chaser, the second beer chaser chaser, and then the two bailey coffees nightcap that followed shortly thereafter. i don't know. jury's still out.

get mommy her breakfast wine

2007-01-08T20:39:00.000-08:00

this is a note to let you know that i'm spent. all out of love. blocked. dead-ended. negatory-ied. 4th and 22. dry. niet. but don't you worry your pretty, pretty faces off, readers. i'll be back and better than ever after i begin exploring a few new horizons first thing tomorrow morning; namely spiced rum, dark rum, and tanqueray # 10 (and no, not together.). i'm not looking to die.

these are a few liquids of late whose finer points i have yet to experience. i'll leave you with this - there will be a host of spirited, toasty, lip-smacking, hot, buttered, wintery goodness in your blog future. stay tuned for my findings and wish me luck. this will literally be like fresh candy for you... if i may.

lower-casing your joint

2007-01-07T17:21:00.000-08:00

you know what? i just had an epiphany. it could be because it's orthodox xmas or it could be because i'm sort of hammered seeing as it's sunday and drinking is what i do every time, time rolls around. i bet you thought this post was about pot. you're pretty effing sweet if you thought that.

so the epiphany; i make little post-it lists for items i need from the grocery store and also for the super important life things that i'd like to accomplish in life ('open Wine Bar' and 'get married'). as you're well aware, i stick to the little letters when i'm using my words. i got lazy one day and forced myself to just use all lower-casers, which actually turned into a bit of a chore because you have to re-program yourself and constantly correct it at first when using all lower-case letters. it wasn't easy, but i did it. and i did it for yous. my aunt says things like 'yous' and 'those effers. get me another shot of tequila.' she's the greatest american hero when it comes to family around the holidays doing shots of stuff whilst gathered around xmas trees and roaring fires.

i have this excellent new habit of never getting back around to the point. i was just adding something to my grocery list. it was Bailey's. Hess Select Wine is also on the list. what else is on the list you ask? Godiva White Chocolate Liqueur. do you see them? the big letters? i get formal and proper when it comes to my babys' names. if this isn't one of the neatest things you've ever heard in the last minute, you're still welcome to read here but maybe you should consider drinking more.

i can't be sure, but i *think* i'm in love with alcohol. and i do not wish to seek assistance. so if you're ever thinking to stage an intervention on my behalf, you just stop those presses and hold that big fancy red and yellow mickey mouse phone of yours. i'm all set over here with my children. we're just fine. the fact that i take pictures of them is normal and fine. i'm a good parent. i take pictures of my children. of course you agree. thank you.

desperately seeking sanity

2007-01-04T19:10:00.000-08:00

i'm going to go all over the place in this one, but not in a gross way like i did early last week at my sister's house.

the saga begins with some people requesting that i spend 6 straight hours with them at work and then afterwards, i couldn't even spell my own names - like, not one of the five. at one point during the sober numbness, i thought that i might be on board with someone calling me out into the hallway to blow my head off. and i know you won't find any part of this to be surprising, but there were also several instances where i had in-depth daydreams involving vodka, spiced rum, margaritas, and then godiva's cappuccino liqueur - because frankly, i can't figure out what to do with it. if you've uncovered a use for that anomaly, please let me know. i just have one bit of advice there and it's that you stick to every other flavor of godiva liqueur. the cappuccino variety both tastes and smells like, well, ass - and i should know given my history with ass.

but the reason i was telling you about the 6 hour meeting to begin with was because i also made some really important declarations while i was there. firstly, i decided to give mr. clean magic erasers a second go 'round. i employed those jokers once and it was just not what i hoped it would be. HOWEVER, tonight's results were astounding and i'm confident that it's not just because i was a little drunk. those things are unreal. my guest bathroom had these "marks" on the wall from when big don was over on xmas. she was in that small room with 3 other people and i can only guess that they got *a little* carried away in there. there's no other logical explanation. i took that magical eraser into that battle zone tonight and together we worked miracles. those marks disappeared instantly and now it looks as though nothing ever happened on that poor wall. ah the wondrous technology of the new millennium. it's remarkable.

the other things that i can list as secondly are that i decided the professions of my unborn, un-conceived, non-existent children this afternoon as well. they will either be pharmacists or meteorologists when they grow up into their bitter drunken adult suits one day. i have recently been pondering the merits of these two careers and i think they're just what my family of the future ordered. we'd like to be somehow super-sized so meteorologists and pharmacists it is. we all know they will appreciate my running their lives until they're 30 (when they turn 40 and find that they like their lives). mama-dan knows best.

thirdly, meatball sandwiches are good. why i don't eat them every minute of every day excapes me. i know you know.

you can't see me now, but i'm wishing you were dead

2007-01-03T19:03:00.000-08:00

it's time i shared something really personal with you. i know that you crave my private morsels so much that you require them in order to effectively live your life. having said that, i apologize for just making you consider my private morsels because that's almost inappropriate for this particular pg-13 rated blog entry. and also, for taking an eternity to disclose such information. here is a list of things you can hear when you sit at my desk:

someone gross clipping their nails at work
corporate lady hacking lung juice up onto me
older contractor fellow thinking/smelling old
an intern being far too young for me
the riddler's cell phone. from another floor
middle-aged vendor man with unusually loud, projected voice in a heated discussion regarding purdue football
car alarms; gas-o-line-is-my-food. raid-io knobs!
smokie-joes breathing freshly smoked cigarette onto me. mmmmm. yummy.
nagging, aggressive, know-it-all monotoner cutting into my face like razor sharp icicles
frantic typists
angry foreign language phone yeller man, and woman
a welcomed secret lovers ringtone from a few desks over
someone with hughjungous kloppers approaching. i mean, you can hear this one walking in their giant shoes before they even know they're comin
incessant clogged sinus fixer
incessant coffee slurper
incessant statement ending nervous laugher
chronic germie with significant cough
nerds
the last bits of my soul slowly and painfully escaping, like when you drop live lobsters into boiling water and they begin to scream a deathly, high-pitched, mercy cry

ok. you can't actually hear that last part. you can only feel it and that's precisely why i took the day off. and it would "sound" like this if you could hear it:

vodka has never done me wrong

2007-01-02T18:33:00.000-08:00

but i sure have been doing him wrong.

i was at work today after having been Pah-TOe for so long and couldn't manage to get my head back into the ever-so-interesting game. i was walking down the long hall with my secret lover doing what we do best; long, slow, coffee walks. oh, and publicly discussing alcohol. i mentioned that i had seriously considered introducing a semi-concealed flask to my workspace in 2007 and he mentioned that he thought i might seriously have a problem. and then we both shook our heads and agreed that it was his wife who actually had the problem because most people in the area tend to take their cues from her. so anyway, i described my classic dirty recipe and right away he reacted to it. i almost hate to admit this, but it contained far too much vermouth - for anyone's taste. i never quite understood the point of vermouth... but... wait for it.

in the summer months, i enjoy the vodka straight, over ice. it's light and it's refreshing. but seeing as it's winter, i flopped back over to the classic dirty. you know, to keep me warm. my recipe has traditionally been 2 parts vodka, 1 part vermouth, splash of olive brine, shake shake shake. now due to chop's reaction from the morning coffee run and my lack of interest in corporate _____, i spent *a little* time during the day researching classic martini recipes with our old friend. turns out, you only really want a splash of vermouth. say what? yes, willis. a splash. so steph's complaint about my strong martinis a couple weeks back was, well, weak. AND valid. i'll give you that one. my drinks usually straddle the strong side of the line because i kind of do have a problem and i don't fully comprehend when you prefer somethings in your tall, cool russians (thx, OKS). give me time. i'll learn.

a splash of vermouth. good. to. know. i raced home at the stroke of 4:45 because this corporate lady was operating under the assumption that i would be assisting her with corporate _____ around 5pm. uh yeah. no, mrs. lady. i won't. i then point a'd it for white-lightning. he greeted me with the leather smell that only he can do and we were on our way. it was glorius. after 50 minutes of heated seats, i was finally in my kitchen shaking up a masterpiece. you guessed right if you guessed splash of vermouth. it was THE MOST mouth-watering classic dirty i've ever had in my sad, meaningless existence.

i will furnish you with the new recipe if you're in the mood for something stiff and dirty. get your damn minds out of the gutter.

no wait. keep doing it. my teeth hurt.

here's to the new thing, getting rid of the old thing, and then something with a wine bar

2007-01-01T14:03:00.000-08:00

'sup you guys. hope new year's eve 2007 was all you ever wanted in a new year's eve. mine was just what the doctor ordered; an extended dinner with the girls at one of the city's most perfect litte sinatra/buble/dino/sammy/martini clubs and then a champagne toast at the doc's place where steph made us put coins in our shoes and sharda made us stand and sit 12x for the new year, at precisely the new year. it was fun because it was leisurely, our waiter was a bitch, and i got to drink straight, stiff, dirty vodka.

below you'll find two pictures that i need for you to review. the first is basically just a shot of me at a table with the girls - who requested that i not display their faces on the internet even though you've probably seen at least one of these faces if you're a dude and you like porn (so obviously i covered their heads with dark boxes) - and in it, i appear to have a rack - because 2007 is definitely going to be my year. you see it right? the second is the tiny little flower arrangement at the restaurant. it was so tiny.

so... happy new year out there. like i said, this is the year for my 'new thing', getting rid of the 'old thing', and then for opening a wine bar. thanks for finally getting here, 2007. i think we all desperately needed you.

(seriously. there's no trick photography here. i was literally standing beside this thing.)

finally

2006-12-29T20:29:00.000-08:00

finally. a movie has exposed me to the magic of jude law. finally. i could never understand what all the jude law fuss was about until a few hours ago. before today he was this limey, sort of greasy actor that was sort of ok at his art. but now, i mean, he's just so steamy in this. i can't explain it. you'll see. mind boggling. if you're not on jude law's bandwagon, you might be after you see this movie. just trust me.

big don and i saw 'the holiday' and i urge you to do the same while it's still in theatres. it was the happiest little film i've seen in a very long time and i should not have been so surprised because it is yet another of nancy meyers works of art. it's about two successful women who are well-to-do otherwise, but unlucky in their most recent loves. it's simply this; they swap houses for the xmas holiday and then warmth and goodness continuously unfold before your eyes. it's profoundly happy and i cried many a tear of joy. seriously. go see it.

nancy meyers talent lies in her ability to craft a film in such a way that it instantly invites you in and wraps you up in a giant blanket of fluffy, warm, ultra soft, pink cashmere. when the credits start to roll, you just want to continue to sit in the theatre until the reel is completely sure that the movie is over. and even then, you don't want to leave your seat because you just know that the real world is outside waiting to pick you up in its old, cold, rusty, brown station wagon.

women, you must go see this picture because you are women and i said so. it should be the law for us to have to watch this movie like at least once a month. men, most of you must go see this picture because you probably need to learn a few things from the boys in the movie, especially if you are an a-hole. maybe you'll stop being so much of an a-hole after you see this show. i don't know. give it a whirl.

i can't say enough about this movie, readers. heart-warming i tell you. truly heart-warming!!

and if i don't talk to you before the big night, have a happy new year! let's get the h out of 2006 already.

1985

2006-12-28T20:02:00.000-08:00

due to this being a timely little vacation from work week, i've been catching up on my 80s films. out of sheer attention for odd details, i started noticing a pattern. i found that most of our cinematic gold from the 80s sprung from none other than 1985. since it was early in the day and my liver was on a timeout, i compiled a list and then cross-checked with imdb. you can thank 1985 for the nuggets of pure entertainment below. you can thank me for taking time out of my busy life to display them in a list. obviously it's incomplete, but it's an excellent sampling that helps to prove my case for just how hard 1985 rocked your asses.

girls just want to have fun
real genius
the sure thing
teen wolf
secret admirer
just one of the guys
breakfast club
st elmo's fire
better off dead
gotcha!
spies like us
the goonies
weird science
volunteers
brewsters millions
back to the future
poison ivy (tv gold)
national lampoon's european vacation
transylvania 6-5000
fraternity vacation
fletch
the man with one red shoe
once bitten
desperately seeking susan
a host of afterschool specials regarding "serious" teen issues

honorable mentions from the 1985 sandwich:

1984 - sixteen candles, bachelor party, revenge of the nerds, splash, ghostbusters, muppets take manhattan, cloak and dagger, johnny dangerously, cannonball run II, romancing the stone

1986 - lucas, ferris bueller's day off, short circuit, back to school, howard the duck, top gun, one crazy summer, the money pit, pretty in pink

i know. you're welcome. 1984-1986 was truly a time for cinematic genius and without me, you wouldn't have all this precious information at your fingertips.

he is not your friend or 'secret lovers, that's what we are'

2006-12-27T18:14:00.000-08:00

you think he is your friend, but he is not. it's hard to initially decipher that the enemy is upon you so you invite him in because he reminds you of goodness and things that are wholesome. you lock into a loving embrace with him. his presence puts you at the utmost level of comfort. you share a few laughs. you reminisce over the good times. you have joy, you have fun, you have seasons in the sun. but then, the clock strikes 12... and you realize that you have made a terrifying mistake. your first instinct is to run as fast and as far as your little legs will take you. your head is a mess. your mind is a shambles. he did this to you. he played you for a fool. and you. know. why. he is not your friend. in fact, he is your nemesis and he wants to see that you fail in every last of the evening's endeavors.

he made you think you were signing on for a few margaritas and maybe a dance or two on the bar. you laugh. you sing. you do in fact, dance a medley on said bar. and it was all so innocent...until that fateful turning point where he convinces you to abandon your chaperone - your faithful attendant who cleverly disguised himself as margarita mix for so long and only for your safety and well-being. therein lies your weakness, your first fateful mistake; you listened to him. you must never listen to him. you and tequila require supervision at all times. you're an adult and we think we can trust you. but in your moment of weakness, you forgot everything we professed. it's like you contracted temporary amnesia and overlooked the fact that he'll take full advantage and place you in compromising situations - repeatedly - over the course of a night.

at least you still have some wits about you because your thoughts were to run at the onslaught. so yes, your first job is indeed to run. you both literally and figuratively dash to the nearest and most appropriate receptacle. you renew your friendship with your "receptacle" of choice for what seems like hours when in reality, it's probably hours. (right, sharda?) finally you finish your renewal session and crawl to, well, anywhere else. fully clothed, you awaken the next morning to find that you feel ok. a little shaky, but ok. luckily your "friend" does not stick around. ah, but he will return. mark these words. happy hour will roll back around and you will invite him in as though nothing ever happened. yet again.

ok so, we've established something important here today. if you're feeling vulnerable and/or weak, you must avoid your mexican man at all costs. and then, stay away from the tequila.

pan cookies

2006-12-26T13:23:00.000-08:00

what if you dedicated your life to pan cookies. your sole purpose for being would be bars crafted from dough infused with semi-sweet chocolate chips. seriously, what if you could love pan cookies to the point where they alone could get you out of bed in the morning. i'm talking obsessed with them. like, 'going to work finally has meaning because you're simply only going to make money to finance them' obsessed. and i'm also talkin elaborate here. they would have to be. i mean, right? you're gainfully employed. sheesh.

for one, clearly you will have lost your mind. and two, you would have to change the name of your blog to 'pan cookies actually do hate you'. but obviously pan cookies can't hate you. they're cookie bars. it wouldn't be rational if baked goods hated you.

but back to you getting up in the morning because of pan cookies...interesting concept. let me know how you make this possible because i'd like to employ your recipe for insanity and make pan cookies my reason for living as well.

when they pass around the coffee and the...

2006-12-22T12:20:00.000-08:00

merry christmas, everyone.

this post is dedicated to sharda.

indeed, allen. indeed.

2006-12-21T11:10:00.000-08:00

this chat window popped up while i was diligently "working" today -

Allen: No Danielle, no success
Danielle: that's what i always say

i saw murray kissing santa claus

2006-12-19T18:21:00.000-08:00

like all good single, hip, bored kids in the month of december, i was reflecting on my xmas past, present, and future. the past is important because it's where we came from and where would we be without it. we need the present because it's here now and hello, who doesn't like presence. ;) the future, well, that's where we're headed and it's actually starting to happen now so you better check your swatch watch. man that was deep.

this all began with a picture i stumbled across from a year ago. it's simply just a picture of my xmas tree from last year when i had only been in my house for two months. i pulled up xmas tree photo 2005 and displayed it beside xmas tree photo 2006. it was interesting for me to see how i was expressing my xmas joy a year ago versus how i'm expressing it today. today's tree towers and has a never ending supply of sparkle. last year's tree was a dwarf palm with silver ribbon, white lights, and a classy little skirt. the big difference is that months ago i realized how much i enjoy decorating my home. if decorating my home means giant xmas tree then so be it. haul out the holly. also, sometime during mid-2006 the palm leased itself out to a colony of inch/mill worms. sadly, both worms and tree had to 'relocate'.

and in the spirit of xmas, i would like to take a moment to comment on us as a material society. we don't handle the xmas season very well. i'm embarrassed. for fear of my sanity loss and new car, as of yesterday i'm not going near a center de shopping again until late january. it's been nothing but upsetting and scary and i would like to avoid an appearance in court because that's not an item on my 2007 agenda. yet. it might be that i'm getting older and less patient but it feels like we cranked up the crazy by a factor of seven since last year. if i unexpectedly end up at the mall, i'll probably have to kill someone with my bare hands and that won't be very xmas-y.

without further adieu, two highly differing tree expressions.

i'm tina fey

2006-12-16T09:36:00.000-08:00

mean girls was on tbs a lot last weekend. i was watching it with sarah, diane, and sharda when one them declared that i was tina fey. luckily for everyone, i am in possession of the internet and photoshop.

i know, right?

tales from yore; a young cheesecakepot learns to hate

2006-12-13T14:32:00.000-08:00

when i was in kindergarten, there was a friday morning ritual known as 'show and tell'. since i know my readers so well, i know you may not be able to conceptualize what this might entail. i will enlighten you.

show and tell had to do with a class full of circa 1983 5yr-olds who were dying to "show" you some of their junk and then proceed to "tell" you a tale regarding it. stay with me now. this ritual also had something to do with a teacher being present because, at the time, most localities weren't in the habit of allowing 5yr-olds to trapse about schools all by their lonesome(s). if memory serves (and it very well may not) i believe we were only permitted one measly show and tell a month or something similarly bizarre. the circa '83 kindys (i just made that up) would usually showcase barbie dolls, remote control cars, sporting equipment, stuffed animals, and other generally fascinating electronic gadgetry that 5yr-olds would feel compelled to haul places for what can best be described as casual friday morning presentations. you'd now like to know where this story is headed because i'm starting to wonder the same. here, i'll "show" you.

back in '83, i had spent an afternoon with my aunt and baby-aged cousin. being the good parent that she was on the afternoon in question, my aunt decided to feed my little cousin. i was extremely helpful back in the day so naturally i offered to assist with the initiative. i had noticed that my aunt was using a regular fork that had 4 little orange fork-teeth protectors securely affixed to each fork prong essentially transforming it into an early spork. i studied this configuration for a moment and then realized why it was necessary (because i was 5 and a genius). my aunt had effectively child-proofed the fork so she could use it to feed my small cousin. i don't know why she wasn't using baby utensils, but she wasn't. maybe some stupid a-holes gave her some stupid fork protectors for the baby shower and she kinda felt like using them. who knows. the point is, they were there and we were using them.

i think i was so taken by the little orange fork protector situation because of how absurd it was. why not just use a baby spoon? i don't know! i'm 5 and this is newsworthy! others must know what i know. i proceed to borrow the fork protector and haul it to kindergarten for my once rarely casual friday morning presentation. i was very excited to showcase my findings so i got up there and told my tale ensuring that every last detail was accounted for. the class was also 5yrs old so they were all pretty amused with what i had uncovered. the teacher was not 5yrs old so she was far less amused and there's where it ends. i stabbed her to death right then and there with my little orange fork protector.

ok. no. i didn't. i was 40lbs. i should've stabbed her because once i finished presenting, she publicly belittled me before the class and made certain that i knew this was THE most uninteresting artifact one could ever possibly show and tell on and that she was very, VERY dissapointed in me. i cried for hours and then just decided to hate her. forever. and then eventually come full circle and hate everyone and everything else as well.

so i end up at the moral of the story. mrs. j: you were integral in the development of my moral fibers and core personality elements. i'm a living breathing hate machine and i *think* you fired the first shot down a long, winding road that is now my hateful, spiteful, dark, blog existence.

whose house are you haunting?

2006-12-04T15:09:00.000-08:00

there was an eerie discovery on a drive home last week. it was dark, stormy, and cold. as i was listening to my new favorite song, i glanced into the rearview and took note of the car behind me. i don't know how much attention you pay to this sort of thing, but try to remember to look next time. you might find that it's unsettling, depending on the time of day and weather conditions. it's not going to keep you up at night or anything; it's just eerie for a minute or two while you're reflecting on the visual and then you get your damn eyes back on the road because clearly you're a bad driver who pays unusually close attention to the outdated junk in the rearview. what i found was a midsize car, nondescript, with two figures in the front seat. i can only assume that the figures are a driver and a passenger. so far so good. the weird part comes into play because it's dark in this car to begin with and then the headlights of the car behind them are casting a backlight/shadow and display the two people as if they were 2 ghostly phantoms who have commandeered a vehicle and are now cruising the OF. these are the makings of a great horror film; night, rain, slight fog, ghastly 'dementors' steering the taurus behind you... this is the stuff wes craven is made of. like i said, it's only creepy for a minute and then you get back to your new favorite song because it's soothing and mellow and driving in night rain highlights the fact that you can't see very well at this point in life because you're not 11 and either your eyesight genetics are a sad sack or you really did spend too much time sitting too close to the tv watching smurfs & snorks as a kid. damn you.

to the horface 30th b-day circle of trust (sarah, john, leah, sharda, diane) - i've only been close to that drunk a few other times in life. man it was worth it. and holy eff i love my digital camera for recording all the precious memories so i could see what happened the next day. i haven't had that much memory loss in months. i do remember herding boys into the ladies room for a spin-off party* with sharda and leah. i do NOT remember being in the men's room - for the record.

*it's midnight and you are the perfect brand of hammered with a camera in one hand and a vodka cran in the other and sharda and leah have their heads in toilets and trash receptacles. please take note of figure 1.

figure 1

case closed. eventually.

2006-11-29T18:29:00.000-08:00

i have some things that i'm going to say here because i can't say them where i need to say them. they're nomads; i'll never get the chance to get them back to their home. something happens on a fairly regular quarterly basis that causes me to go into a relapse. in light of the most recent occurrence, i'm now trying to be on the road to closure and this has to be a stop along the way. don't comment on any of this if you're going to annoy me. everyone and everything annoy me so maybe you just don't comment on this post. seriously. i'm pretty sure i have to let it run its course but i would love to help it end sooner and this seems like an activity that could assist. somehow.

i want to see pictures of you at the ages of 5,7,9,11,14,18,21. i want to know what you've got loaded on your mp3 player. i want to cuddle with you by the fire on the evening following especially seasonal holiday activities. i wonder what you're doing right now. i want to be aimless in stores with you. i don't want to just be a friend. i want to be with you most hours of my life. i want my heart to stop racing because you make it do that. i want to bottle the nervous/anxious/excited/calm your presence brings. i want to take you to my reunions. i want to travel everywhere with you. i bet you wouldn't want to kill the giant spiders either. i want to be the one you call as soon as the plane lands. i want to braise meats and veggies for you. i want to get snowed in while we're visiting your parents. i want to watch as mine fall in love with you. i wonder if you caught that song like i did. i wish i could remember what life was like before you. i want us to (blank) (blank) in the (blank). i want to sleep in your pajama top. i want to give you an alias so we can crash open houses on sundays. i hate that we can't be together.

my mom invented the internet.

when the cat's away, the mice will perform voodoo on you

2006-11-27T11:17:00.000-08:00

i need a clever pick-up line. i have my favorite standbys but i don't think they would meet my current need (whew, you're hot in here. or, hey - you wanna go do it in the back of my car?) i need one that i can use on a hottie in the grocery store or at starbucks that will endear me to him in the sub 30 seconds i have to make a fun, lasting impression. it can't be one of the standbys because you can't lob those at people in starbucks at 9am. well i mean, you certainly could but i'd rather not as they're far less amusing prior to a gallon of vodka. it needs to be playful, intelligent, unique, brief, and most importantly, it has to work. i'm leaning toward something along the lines of "nice fairy drink" if he orders a fairy drink. also, i hate my job. also, either meg or woody licked the other on sautrday night. i'm having trouble with this one.

oops

2006-11-24T11:44:00.000-08:00

someone finally got a video of me doing my britney dance. i'm embarrassed. now that i've seen this, i think i'm going to post my "cover" to see if i can compare. someone please explain what's going on here -

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KkO3BLz0X2Y

dancing queen. she's only 29

2006-11-15T19:31:00.000-08:00

mentioning a few things;

b-day on the 13th - doing fine with 29. thx to all the 'birthdays with beatrice' attendees.
i love abba. i just revived 'abba gold: greatest hits' in my kitchen and i STILL know all the words to that entire album. i now have a karaoke system so feel free to come over for the revival cuz i'm singin it in my kitchen.
dirty martini's; they made the abba kitchen dance party possible
quattro. oh i loves me the quattro. mmmmmmmm......

they did the mash

2006-10-22T19:20:00.000-07:00

would you believe me if i told you i was doing the time warp in my kitchen just now? of course you would. that's what i was doing on a dark and stormy sunday night. i rule. shut it. there was vodka involved. after the time warp, i danced to the munsters theme and dead man's party, obviously.

here's a picture of my sweetest day date. the halloween bear i gave her is strewn to the side because 'over the hedge' was way more interesting when i snapped this shot. to be honest, bruce willis is hot and his voice is fantastic and even my nearly 2yr-old niece knows that. who wants a stupid little bear dressed as a pumpkin anyway. she's right. after this picture, i helped myself to a microbrew from the 'fridge and then dominated her sit & spin. i might get one along with an x-box for karaoke rev now. she calls halloween, 'na-neen-neen-neen'. right on, bell-tower.

i'd post more but it's sunday night and i have tons of drinking to complete before i head to the worst job on the planet in the AM. toodles.

now everything's cool - drac's a part of the band

2006-10-16T14:46:00.000-07:00

we're in the thick of my xmas season and it looks like halloween gone wild at my house. it's one of the few things i'm passionate about anymore and it's definitely less passion than ever before but still, i'm glad there's an ounce of passion left somewhere in my world. i would elaborate but i won't.

i'm not quite sure why, but i don't like red sofas. i watched 2 movies over the weekend; 'just like heaven' and 'friends with money'. the first had a red sofa, which was actually tasteful but still a red sofa. the latter, no red sofa, but terrible and i stopped watching just before the halfway point. it was boring, gloomy, awkward, and boring. i'm glad janiston made a few bucks off the crap she produced in the last couple years. really. i like her. the last few i actually remember the titles of (aforementioned, 'good girl', 'rumor has it', 'derailed') were crap. to be fair and for a more balanced commentary, i did like 'along came polly', 'rock star', and i know it was a while ago, 'office space'.

as for the red sofas, i'd invite you to comment on why you like them, but i don't care. if you can tell me how to get myself into a love triangle which rivals that of meredith grey's steamy, dreamy man steaks, i'm in. otherwise, no. get out of my face (blog).

happiness is...

2006-09-10T16:45:00.000-07:00

when you walk into your house and you see your new patio in all its glory (with comfy chairs and a rather neat looking firepit).

fly me to the miu-oon

2006-08-20T18:21:00.000-07:00

i decided that if sarah can start listening to xmas music in early august, i can start stocking up on whimsical halloween decor, mid-late month. see below for the first piece of my 2006 collection.

and it could be the target wine cube talking, but i think i'm gonna be ok. i've been miserable since wednesday at 11:32a, but the more i think about it, fall's on my doorstep, AND, i'm closer to where i want to be than i've ever been before. let's celebrate that my friends. and target box wine; celebrate that as well.

i'm waiting here for you in the state i'm in

2006-08-16T19:14:00.000-07:00

i really wanna blog something meaningful here tonight but in lieu of recent events, i'm not going to do that. instead, i watered my flower beds, grilled some fish, took a long drive, and bought menthol lights. i paid $4.13 to enjoy 1 on my porch this evening and it was damn good. i'll have a cig twice a year when it's warranted. my friends, i earned it today. there's so much wrong with what went down, i can't really scratch the surface at this point so i won't even attempt it. honestly, things could be worse. i was able to put it all back into perspective. but, JR - guy who told on me - you'll feel my wrath one day. and.it.will.hurt.

this is just ridiculous

2006-08-08T09:14:00.000-07:00

i had the world's greatest ice-cream last night - so great, that this event is now legendary in my life. when you get a chance, haul yourself over to a dunkin donuts/baskin robbins combo store and get a scoop of "world class chocolate". not only is it gorgeous on a cone, but it's also unreasonably delicious. it was so ridiculously beautiful in color, i wanted to take a picture of it. it was however, ice-cream, so i was therefore unable to take the appropriate snaps for historical recording purposes. the gist of it is this; white chocolate mousse ice-cream swirling around chocolate chocolate mousse ice-cream. it was like they were dancing together in a very whimsical manner. very yin yang. so for those who might be envisioning regular chocolate and vanilla-type colors, just stop it. i can only insist that you go see this for yourself, in person. if you are at all disappointed with what you find, i will repay you in the form of me buying myself a charity cone to make up for it because you will be hurting its feelings and i don't want it to feel sad.

hey, no cock pump

2006-08-06T18:05:00.000-07:00

normally i would send chop dungs a text message, but going forward, i will now leave messages here - since the text messaging device is nowhere near me and i would have to get up to get it and i don't require more vodka or anything right now so i'm not getting up off the sofa. chop, you are smart. i left the lights on in my basement this morning and then found that i had approximately zero flies in my house around 6pm. they might be breeding in the sump pump and since the basement is kinda dark, the light from under the door to my kitchen draws them out. i figured i would leave the lights on down there and maybe that would make them less likely to enter the house. it did the trick. no flies in the house today so i took a brown paper bag and covered that opening under the door to the basement to see if that's officially it.

there are 16 giant spiders on my front porch. i don't recommend you going there.

gerbs is married. now it's actually sherbs. sarah thinks a skinny weird guy is eventually coming for me. god i hope so. it's getting late.

ryan reynolds is delicious. i wanna get married. don't tell the boys i date cuz they might get scared.

egg sack

2006-07-25T08:59:00.000-07:00

i had to perform a mass murder last night. it was a spider and her 2 sacks full of millions of babies. i didn't like doing it but it had to be done. i knew it was going to be a struggle for me, but i also knew that i didn't want millions of spider babies all over my life. the basement was the scene of the crime. i was down there running on the treadmill and decided to inspect her web a little closer, which is when i discovered the egg sacks. and i hate killing anything to the point where i actually ran an extra mile to push the murder off for that much longer.

in lighter news, it was a good night for early 80s movies; national lampoon's vacation, animal house, and 9 to 5. i feel asleep to these after the massacre.

is it possible that my tropical kitchen tree has life in it - i mean like, flys/little worms. i caught a few inch worms making a break for it over the weekend and i've had a fly problem for weeks now. the tree moved into my kitchen in october so i would've imagined that the lifeforms should've started their migration already. is it possible that there are now worms/flys in that pot due to spontaneous generation?

what if i have a breakdown and end up looking like this lady:

as busy as a one-armed paper hanger

2006-07-10T15:23:00.000-07:00

that was me on saturday night. busy. i had a small party at my mansion and it turned out to be an extremely lovely evening - very quiet, very tame, and i know my neighbors with small children didn't mind the singing of 20 'in-eebs' at 1am. now this singing part, i can't substantiate it. my next door guy (who so kindly lent us wood for my firepit) mentioned that the people behind us said they liked the song we were singing at 1am. i don't remember this taking place so i can't believe it's true.

more than a few people tried to discourage me from burning my firepit on the dry lawn in the middle of july. we had a need for fire and pits so what could we do? obviously, the patio has not yet arrived and i'll just say that i'm more than frustrated with the cement guys in the area who won't come pour it and/or return my calls. (actually, a good side bar for ya - the patio guy just called to say that's gonna be another 2 weeks...i don't believe a word he says but he's all i've got. i don't really understand why, but cement guys must not need any more business at this point in time.) the party was to celebrate my new patio but since there wasn't one, we had a party anyway and it was a good one, my friends - one for the history books. the moon was out. it had an orange tint. good buddies were there. GOOD alcohol was there. it was a beautiful summer night and i couldn't have asked for more (well, ok. i could. i could have used a patio but that's neither here nor there.)

i don't remember too many highlights because i guess i was pretty drunk. i remember the night fondly, but i don't have a lot of details. i do know this; more than a few people had to spend the night and that's always a good sign. i remember telling the guests that i had locked the windows and doors really tight so no one would come in and steal them. see that, i care about people. deeply.

there will be another party as soon as the patio shows up... and probably one before that as well. i still have way too much of the hard stuff in my refrigerator. oh, and to whoever drank my 'prop' wine that sits on kitchen counter beside the oven - i am so sorry. i opened that bottle of zinfandel in like february and didn't end up finishing it. i really liked the label though because it coordinates with my kitchen's theme and colors, so i left it as a prop. i have to imagine you were too drunk to know that it tasted like sour ass, but my apologies nonetheless.

stay tuned for patio party, the sequel. or, let me know when you people wanna come over again because there's seriously an unreal quantity of beer, margaritas, daquiris, wine, and 1 mike's light hard lemonade being very aimless at my house.

boom, boom, boom - let's go back to my room

2006-07-05T14:32:00.000-07:00

first off, i had to cut my lawn for the first time on sunday morning. for those who aren't sure why that would be newsworthy, i had a lawn guy, 'kenny', who was hired to cut my lawn twice a month. he cut the lawn a total of 4 times since early april and then just stopped without warning a month and a half ago. some little birdies told me that he had developed a thing for me, so i believe his strategy then became 'i'll only cut the grass over there when she calls me after i haven't showed up for a month and then i'll also take that opportunity to ask her out on strange dates'. well obviously, he's history. i'd also like to report him to the better business bureau but i'm slightly worried he'll start cooking rabbits atop my stove. anywho, cutting the grass wasn't THAT bad but i really hate cutting the grass so it just reaffirmed my predilection for a grass cutting service. i borrowed my sister's lawnmower and set out to reveal no less than 150,000 different types of grasshopper species. i know that grasshoppers are harmless and they don't bother me, but they're still bugs and i don't like bugs so i found them to be gross and annoying. i was after all cutting grass and that's where they live so what could i do (but run them over). before you go berating me on all the joys of grass cutting (like my neighbor), don't. some people like to cut their grass. i'm just not one of them. when the boy moves into my home for permanent residence, he will be assigned all lawn mowing tasks (if you know what i'm saying). done and done.

the second thing about the extra long holiday weekend that i feel the need to explain, i drank a lot. and when i say a lot, i mean A LOT. it was that new ruby red absolut. i couldn't resist it. coincidentally, neither could the raspberry lemonade i whipped up. i spent much time lounging on my neighbors patios and they probably really enjoyed that - i certainly did. and something else that's fun about my neighbors, they like to make their own fireworks. i live in a neighborhood that's surrounded by a somewhat rural area. there are locals and they make their own fireworks and probably moonshine as well. long story short, i didn't have to move an inch to see fireworks this past weekend. i looked anywhere and saw pretty decent starbursts everywhere and i'm pretty sure it was the man who's been constructing the lazy river in his backyard for the last year. hey let me know if you want visitors at the hospital, lazy river guy. i'm sure you blew off a finger or a toe or your face.

up shit creek

2006-06-20T16:14:00.000-07:00

when the warm weather hits cleveland, my bosses like to make everyone in the division go out and bond almost weekly. they plan it during the work day and call it 'team-building' and clients love it. during these off-site events, we've been known to eat, drink, picnic, putt-putt, go-kart, batting cage, driving range, whirly ball, booze-cruise, and finally for the first time this past friday, canoe. i've never been canoeing and i have to be honest, i wasn't really looking forward to it. i did convince myself to partake however due to my lack of interest in being in the office anymore and also because it did happen to be a really beautiful, sunny day.

the first few hours in the morning were (and always are) spent on actual team-building or relevant work discussion. we then have a little lunch and then start playing. i decided early on to team up with RML and brian from my team. RML is effing crazy and brian is like 23 and one of those extreme sporting types so he's effing crazy, too. for some reason, i didn't really take this into account. i said to myself, 'i will probably be good to go in their canoe'. i'll tell you the story of how it went. try to guess where this is going to end up.

the place was called 'camp hi-canoe' and it really couldn't have been any further from my house. strike 1. once we all signed our lives away and suited up with life-vests and paddles, they loaded us onto a dark green school bus that much resembled one that hauls prison inmates around. strike 2. they shuttled us to the start of our route so we could easily board the canoes and get some tips. it took 15 minutes. strike 3. RML, brian, and i loaded into our boat and the journey began.

so we set sail down the cuyahoga river - except without sails and the c river is pretty much a really skinny lake that just happens to wind around for miles with zero to no current. there we are, paddling and ruddering down the "river". RML was "stern". brian was "bow". i was in the middle. port and starboard don't apply to my story because there's no right and left in a tiny, aluminum ship. anyway, we were paddling and ruddering and it was kind of peaceful. a few of the other boaters pulled away right from the gates because they were outdoors-y and it appeared that canoeing was their life. i say this because they brought homemade paddles and life vests. you make the call. my boat was not full of lifers because it was swaying right and left and running into the sides of the river. RML is a little retarded. she was ruddering so damn much and always in the wrong direction. obviously brian started yelling at her because we really didn't have anything else to do. we all agreed that we did not need any more rudder.

hey guess what. RML kept ruddering. guess what else. brian kept yelling. obviously i couldn't not be yelling at that point so i started yelling, too. i shouted - "rudder!" and "i gotta have more left!". this was all still in the first few hundred yards of the trip and we hadn't even tasted a drop of an adult beverage.

we started to get the hang of the paddles. here's my expert canoeing tip: paddle on the side you don't want to be on. if you're heading towards a tree on the left, paddle on that side. this sounded like a workable plan except for the part where brian is like hulk and RML is like not. i was in the middle trying to stay in sync with brian but his paddle strength was too powerful and we were all over the "river" ramming into everyone and everything. everyone was passing us with their beer and super soakers and we were all just yelling aimlessly at each other.

we actually started making a little progress and were feeling better about this trip until brian started getting playful and tipping the canoe from side to side. our boss, cig lips, started egging him on from another canoe (that he had strapped to a second canoe so they wouldn't tip. he's real tricky this guy. he also finished a full hour after us due to the case he was able to house in the 3-hour tour.)

i can't really tell you why, but brian so wanted to get in that murky, brown water, which ended up being unusually warm and i know this because brian accidentally capsized us around this time. hey know what? canoes are pretty effing heavy when they're on dry land so try to imagine how heavy they are when you're neck deep in the brown water and trying to flip it back over so you can get your ankles out of the disgusting-ness river bed that felt like poo. i feel like taking a shower every time i re-live the river bed. it was 4ft of brown water and you couldn't see the bottom. needless to say, i was livid the moment i hit the water. i was expecting to get wet but i was never going to be submerged in the brown goo. it literally took us 10min to get the canoe in place and another 10 for me and RML to climb back into it. a few canoes were still passing us but they were the end of the line and laughing at us. we thought we were the last official morons just sitting there dead in the water, but that's when our boss' boss along with wendy and kreitzer slowly paddled up. brian was still in the water because he wanted to capsize them as well. the higher level bosses are not as dumb as we like to think because right away they started asking where brian was. guess where he was - he was behind them in position to tip their drunk asses into the mushy goodness. fantastic. now they were out of the boat and obviously comin for RML and me. we screamed for dear life. we begged for mercy. there was no way we were going back into the brown water we worked so hard to get out of...but down we went.

so we were stuck in the mushy, brown sludge yet again and this was still the first mile of the course. i'm talkin like, 30min into it. i might now like to take the time to mention the length of the trip. 6 more to go friends. 7 MILES OF CANOEING AHEAD. we didn't know this when we started. i wouldn't have canoed had i known this prior. we were soaked and muddy and we had zero beer. i decided that we needed to regroup so we docked at a calm little bank and dumped all the excess water out of the canoe because while we enjoyed sitting in it, we didn't.

finally we climbed back in and started our journey once again. i made brian switch places with me because his strength was better distributed in the center. i also started calling the paddle which actually helped quite a bit. and after a while, we all knew how to switch sides based on which direction we were headed.

7 grueling miles later, we see the most glorious shitty little canoe dock we've ever seen in our entire lives. we could barely walk when our feet hit the ground. 7 miles is insanity. we were expecting a very cute canoe ride, 2-3 miles tops. i had to throw away my favorite pink underpants along with the rest of what i was wearing. it was sad. behold, my aftermath:

and you just had to review my crack..."butt" this is the internet and i think it's high time i distribute the porn and finally start doing my part.

anywho, cute little canoe rides don't end this way. this bruise gets darker and uglier with each passing day and then i discover a few new ones. i don't even know how i got them - but they hurt. my butt hurts. my arms hurt. it hurts to breathe. so for the sake of everyone, everywhere, my canoeing will be now be limited to zero trips a year going forward.

thumbin' your way to vegas, dirty

2006-06-10T13:13:00.000-07:00

since horface is taking my whole life to post this, i'll give it a shot. let's see if i can provide an inkling and help perpetuate the glory because this place is glorious and i'm trying to find a way to get back there once a month. the one thing i don't have a picture of is our hot group of chicks enjoying a meal in the oldest restaurant in vegas, at none other than old blue eyes' table. that's right - we dined in frank's old hot spot at HIS table. there was a tiny, older gentleman with an accordian and he told us. we believed him because this establishment provided free wine. other highlights include; everyone being engaged to like, everyone on the trip, kim napping for 15min then leaping up and chugging beer on ice from a wine glass, me being a blackjack moron/genius and then me picking up 2, 50 year-old married guys and 1 ethiopian cabbie, new edition as guest hosts on knight rider, the magical water show at the bellagio, the scary, anorexic, half-naked, mannequins with ginormous bird wings at the victoria's secret in the caesar's forum shops, cook e. jar, multiple $27 red bull and vodka yards that meg dropped serious cash on, the england dan sing-a-long that horface and i had at tha pool, and the drunk brother/sister/couple at the pool who were probably loud enough that you could hear them from wherever you were but luckily didn't get to actually see their strange "pool rides" and child molestation. we think they were siblings (because they said so) but then they were like riding around the pool on top of each other................................ with no further adieu, for your review - vegas through the eyes of my 1.3 megapixel camera phone snaps. they should pretty much say it all. if you need more info however, let me know.

she's come undun

2006-05-29T16:51:00.000-07:00

there are a couple things on my mind that i must share with you at this time. if you are familiar with my yogurt lid issue, this is tied with that. i do not like ice-cream trucks - the old-fashioned kind that you may or may not recall from the days of your youth. i don't recall them. apparently, my neighborhood wasn't good to go. we didn't have them. now that i'm 28 and ice-cream gives me heartburn, i have them. fuck that. that's the first two-part reason why i loathe them.

second, they remind me of a sinister treat wagon that's capable of stealing children, like in chitty-chitty bang bang. i was forced to search my soul for these answers yesterday because my cousin's in town and she was over for dinner last night when the cream wagon was trolling around the gate. i expressed my idiosyncratic weirdness toward the vehicle and she didn't understand how someone could hate a van that sells door-to-door frozen creamy snacks. long story short, i had to figure this out last night.

the other topic i would like to get off my giant chest - the girl that lives behind me (sara) just tried to get me engaged to the 'single man' in the gate. here's the deal: there's a woman named valerie who lives 3 doors down. she has a brother who lives 3 streets over. his name is dave and he's single. i guess it's rare for single people to build homes so the others are on the lookout for these scenarios and ensure that the 2 single people know of them as well. which, i'm fine with. i'm up for a single-dave scenario. he has a house in my neighborhood and i know that's not too shabby for rachel. i'll keep ya posted. by the way, i had known sara for approximately 40 seconds when she came up with this idea. why is america obsessed with marriage?

oh. another thing, i have major spider fright. there are 2 more breeds of spider on my property. i discovered them today. originally, i thought i just had giant wolf spiders that have a body the size of my thumb and those long legs that have a bend (much like your traditional, black halloween spider that they all depict for my xmas, which by the way makes for good irony. halloween is my xmas but spiders scare the bejesus out of me). these 2 new guys are MUCH furrier and MUCH blacker. they also include white markings on their hourglass shaped bodies. one is a jumping spider and the other, i can't find on the internet. it's furry black with an hourglass body that has a white hourglass marking. i'm serious, they could take out a mid-sized village if they got angry enough. i think we'll be able to cohabitate if they just stay on their side. i told them about the agreement i have with spiders, that they need to stay outside or there will be a bloodbath. i know they understand what i'm telling them. they must because they are constantly in the garage and that's a grey area. see how tricky they are?

don't read me if you haven't seen it...

2006-05-17T21:29:00.000-07:00

i can't stop watching the final 15 minutes of grey's anatomy. it moves me. i'm addicted. it begins with george asking for more time and ends with izzie and boys descending the stairs. "i hate that i'm so into you." i can't scratch the surface of alex being human and the mer/der f, which was a a total f by the way. there was nothing was soft about it. that was like, an old fashioned, raw, eff. shame on you, shonda rhimes. however, based on what she's done to me in the past year and a half, i'm now unable to live without these very 'real', fictional characters (because i live in a dreamworld). i'm up. i'm down. i'm all around. this show is like crack. i seriously can't help but hope addison finds happiness. i love 'er, but not with derek. i kinda hope it's with alex. der, he and mer need to just do this already. finn is unusually charming and a great match for her, but derek's the one. i think my happiness in life depends on their being together. guess what i do now - i think of derek's face when i'm signing into a conference call so that my voice is all smiley when i say my name because i've closed my eyes and i see derek's face. [inappropriate PAUSE] and i'd be lying if i said i wasn't concerned for next season. the mer/der/finn cliffhanger isn't my issue. it's the burke hand, izzie resignation stuff that hits me where i live. dr. hahn - agressive bad-ass female cardio-thoracic surgeon, i would totally do you. (and so would you). denny - holy crap. he proposed. she loved him. he died. gut-wrenching. i mean literally ripping me apart.

waht else. i literally sliced my thumb open on monday. it was nasty and i can't stop replaying the incident in my head. UGH. so disgusting. blood everywhere. now i'm fine. i've been wearin a lot of the sponge bob & dora band-aids so it's fine. YOU try finding regular band-aids. it's impossible.

don't thank me. thank penicillin.

2006-04-16T06:51:00.000-07:00

happy easter everyone. i hope you enjoy the candy-filled, rainbow-egged, chocolate/peanut butter bunny goodness. i know i will. :)

on to important matters. i'm pretty sure i saw madonna at the mall on thursday night. she was in a black saab - which makes all kinds of sense if you'll recall my excellent track record for celebrity sightings in the cleveland area. she looked very kaballah-y.

i hired a lawn guy on tuesday at 1pm. he showed up that same afternoon and fertilized the lawn. this guy rules because it rained the next day and then he came back friday to cut it. my neighbor was starting to remind me of that tractor supply commercial with the immobile claymation guys on farms where one calls the other to ask if his lawn mower is broken because his grass is so tall. my neighbor kept asking. well now he can shut it. i have kenny, wonder lawn guy. he was a greenskeeper at a golf course before he started his own landscaping business. and, his name is kenny. thanks much to deb and erik. i heart kenny. my lawn is unusually green. i've also been doing other fun homeowner stuff, too - going to home depot on saturday nights and having storm doors installed. my next item of business will be landscaping. i've reached the point in my life where i can't wait to plant shrubs and pull weeds and stuff. you can't see me right now but i'm sighing disgustedly. i guess my new yard-work gloves are too cool because i can't wait to wear them. i hate you home depot. why do you have to sell so many amazing things for me to plant. blackberries are on their way. get excited. a patio is next on the list. once it's done, party at b-mansion. margaritas for everyone.

another gem from the archives. these are my pod boys. special dark, do not be alarmed. i'm not mad at you.

go zags

2006-03-23T10:11:00.000-08:00

so what can i tell you. birds pooped on my up-high windows the other day. wtf birds. like i'm ever going to be able to clean that shit. i bought a heating pad yesterday. not a heating blanket. a heating PAD. this largely increases my senior citizen-ness. but what i cay say, it had to be done. i have an old knee injury and it was the most painful joint/muscle weather-change incident i've endured to date. so i have a heating pad. if you need to borrow that, let me know. i'll drive it over in my giant cadillac and you can maybe help me style my blue hair afterwards. i hope this gives you some indication of what my current life state resembles. to sum up - AARP, heating pad, bird poop.

ah stripes. i love ya.

2006-03-04T10:38:00.000-08:00

you guys really need to let me post more. seriously, once a month - not acceptable. you better shape that shit up. i mean it.

i heard a story the other day about the ex of my good buddy j. the ex is b. you'll never guess what b said to her new lover over hotmail. yeah? no. 'i never knew cuddling could be so intense.' g-zus b-muffin what is your god damn problem... but i am pretty effing glad i know this. why do i know this? because it was in b's hotmail and because j is totally psychotic (and that's fine, we still love ya). we wouldn't have this morsel of sweet, sweet love talk if j wasn't such a whack job - but my favorite whack job.

now go out there and watch out for all that intense cuddling this fine night of saturday.

here's 2 more pics from the work pod archives. the first is classic special dark. he HATES this picture with all his mite so i constantly have it conveniently and publicly resurface every time he pisses me off. i'm standing there too and i have that special dark look on my face because i'm pretty sure he was looking at asian porn. the second is me and i can't really explain why i'm in such a pose. pretty sure chop shop had something to do with it.

save the seals

2006-02-17T13:52:00.000-08:00

so hey, the easter seals date auction wasn't so bad after all. my dude is the right age (36-ish) and really rich. here's a picture of us:

ok. that's not really us. i don't have anything that i can show you yet. what else...i love my buddies that made it out to support the event (sarah, steph, meg, sharda, jace) - it meant so much to me that you were there, especially since steph won the cruise and is totally taking me to the bahamas. thanx sal. you're the best! my parents went too and i guess jace had to keep big don from interjecting herself into my mingling situations with the single boys. how neat and fun would that have been for these poor fellas, being exposed to her so quickly. she introduced herself to the guy that won me right as she got there, which is strange since i hadn't even met him yet. and of course, she thinks he's too old for me. crazy, crazy big don.

the men were few and far between. obviously there would be more girls in attendance because we're more willing to go to stuff and be open about our singles status. the guys were all over me and the reccuring theme was that i was one of the two hotties up for bid - and you know what, i can't get tired of hearing that. obviously the silver foxes took an instant liking to me but i had prepared myself for that so i was constantly rolling myself out of the coversation. plus, it's really not gonna work out if i'm taller than the guy. sorry. it just can't.

now here's the thing that i wasn't pleased to learn; this was a date raffle, not an auction as previously stated. they led me to believe that i would be auctioned off. instead, i literally had to weather the luck of the draw, which like i said, wasn't so bad. dave's kinda cute, appears to be wealthy (i mean, he did whip out his wallet so i could conveniently see his 100s), thinks i'm fan, and is in the right age window as i like 'em a little older. luckily i can say that i spoke to pretty much every guy i wanted to chat with except for 2. i just didn't get time since i was so popular... they were both nerdy-glasses types. one looked really young and the other looked 40 so i'm not losing any sleep over this.

all in all it was a nice little evening that i'm glad is finally over. i will *think* about participating next year. i mean, that's like 365 days away and i'm not one to commit.

oh no let's go

2006-02-15T20:30:00.000-08:00

why am i so freaking obsessed with speed skating?? i will [blank] apollo ohno right now in this living room.

:(

2006-02-15T18:48:00.000-08:00

i couldn't figure out what it was. i just realized that it's heartache.

now go out there and get some strange ass

2006-02-08T19:43:00.000-08:00

i finally saw 'wedding crashers' and i really liked it and i'm sorry i left you with such harsh red letters for so long. i've been writing lyrics and watching basketball - pretty standard stuff. uh, no. it's not but that's what i've been doing. i'm also in redhat training this week so i don't get to play on the internet as much. here's what i have; randoms.

since i'm watching basketball now, jj redick is my new boyfriend. he's excellent.

the redhat instructor is my type, obviously married, and has a voice-over voice. he sounds like he does tv commercials.

i'm tired of looking at the guy on the corporate college billboard that's right outside the class windows. he's ugly and looks like a yes-man.

my next-door neighbor bryan continues to be fantastic. he de-snowed my driveway tonight since there were like 18inches living on it when i got home.

i really get texas hold'em now. i really do.

i'm actually impressed with the redhat operating system. it's slick. i may die now that i've admitted that.

i was walking through target today and saw 'butt paste' on the shelf. thought of john.

i might get an xbox so that i can play karaoke/dance dance revolution all the live long day.

i've been at the grocery store and dept. stores a lot lately since the cooking/baking bug always bites me during first quarter and i have an old greasy man date auction coming up. anyway, i notice the details in life - it's just what i do. i'm finding that peoples' faces are sad, dejected, and tired. i can't decide if it's that they've seen their fill of dark, cold-ish, cleveland winter or if they have something amiss at work or home or if it's them reflecting what i'm projecting, which could be since i feel like owen wilson in wedding crashers when we get to hear his answering machine. whatever the case is, it's sad. people just don't look like they're really living like they should and i'll refer you to scott on why that may be. the odds aren't in my favor on this one. just about everyone in the grocery store/mall looks like hell. i'm a pessimist so for now i'll chalk it up to our society being in a downward spiral. i know - big surprise that i feel this way.

rest in peace little guy

2006-02-02T14:32:00.000-08:00

i saw an upsetting sight on the way to work today and i was traumatized for most of the morning. there was a small beagle puppy lying dead in the space between the on-ramp and the lane you merge into. unfortunately, it was heavy traffic so i was driving pretty slowly as i merged. his little body was lifeless. his eyes were open. there was some blood coming out of his mouth. i was REALLY upset when i realized what i was looking at and i think moreso because there's a little dog in my life who means more to me than i can explain. all of a sudden, the world became much more cruel. i can't believe i saw what i saw. obviously i don't know how it happened, but how the fuck could that have happened. my little dog has never been in a situation where he could end up dead on a highway. i have an extremely low tolerance for animal cruelty. if i can figure out a way to interlock the punishment of this type of asshole into the course of my life, i'll do it. anyone that gets the brunt of my wrath will wish they were dead anyway.

apparently i'm hot and lonely

2006-01-31T13:36:00.000-08:00

i was doing a little grocery shopping yesterday and used the self check-out. i did have beer in the cart so the light started blinking and the lady came to see my ID. this is what happened:

lady - hi can i see your ID?
me - sure (i hand it to her)
lady - REALLY.
me - yeah.
lady - well YOU look FABULOUS. wow.
me - hey, thank you.
lady - no joke. fab.

how amazing is she. but before all that, there was a really cute guy that i was getting ready to stalk or pick-up by going down his aisle and pretending to buy what he was buying. if it was tampons, all the better. i couldn't find him though!! that was sad. i had a feeling he was a good one and i hardly ever feel that. rest assured, i will start a new, very frequent grocery schedule so as to increase our chances. seriously, he had glasses, blond-ish hair, a really cute butt, and a swimmer build. that's the stuff dreams are made of.

what's up rocktors

2006-01-25T19:03:00.000-08:00

i just have random thoughts right now.

dvr joined me two weeks ago. you were all correct. it changed my life within the first three hours of our time together. now if it only had a direct hook-up to uncle al's pizza and a vibrating feature...i'm sure you've heard it before, but i wouldn't have any reason to leave the gate.

in related news, patrick dempsey, just come over already. it's excrutiatingly painful that you're this adorable.

there's something that i'm truly happy about and that also makes me pretty sad. can't say much more.

i'm really proud of chop for being so good about his new diet. seriously, i mean it.

there's a group of organized individuals that i've been spending much time and effort on since mid-november. it's official. they can fuck off.

ooh. gotta run. 'oops' just shuffled in. time for the britney dance in my kitchen.

save the date

2006-01-17T09:25:00.000-08:00

i'm going to be participating in the 'guys and dolls bachelor and bachelorette bid' to benefit easter seals on february 16th, 2006. for those in the area, i can sell you a pre-sale ticket for $35 ($40 at the door, $30 deductible). if you're unable to attend, i'll also be collecting donations. OR, you can just tell me how much fun you think i am for doing this and not attend or pledge any money, but that would be ridiculous and you'll never hear the end of it. obviously i'll be fine with any course of action you choose. it will be held at the holiday inn on rockside and doors open at 5:30PM, singles auction starts at 7pm. there will be a cash bar and HORs d'oeuvres.

let me know if you're interested. at a very minimum, you can come watch a horny, 55-year old man win an evening with me where i am legally obligated to attend. this is win-win for everyone. (but me.)

i object!

2006-01-10T19:45:00.000-08:00

oh people. the bachelor takes my breath away. and if his blond, rugged, bronzed, intelligent, doctor body isn't enough for you, this season is taking place in the city of lights, none other than gay paris. i hope you either watched it or tivo'd it because good eff, i can't even begin to describe the captivation that IS the psycho-bitch 'reproductive-phase' lady. for her scarce fleeting moments with the hot dr. trav, she managed to get out 5 deathly cold, frightening words; 'i'm in my repoductive phase.' then, she basically assulted him in the chateau's grand foyer after he failed to offer her a rose. it was FANTASTIC television and the best i've seen in weeks. cheers to you, the good people at abc.

something else that's been bugging me: at dinner, there was a maaaan and this is what he proclaimed; 'i don't know if you knew this or not, but the pacific ocean is actually very, very cold.' at the time, i wish we could've seen my face. it was probably blank baffle while i wondered where he could possibly be deriving all of his chauvinistic condescention from with this very bold, public lack of knowledge of the temperature of the pacific. i think everyone at the table knew that the pacific is cold and knew for the better part of our lives, yet we said nothing to cut his truth. it was our job to make him feel comfortable no matter how uncomfortable he made us feel. it's now that i'm reflecting on the transaction and feeling a little guilty about what i felt, at the time. yes, he talks down to me. yes, i have a lot more education than he. yes, i miss my uncle and the 80s. AND, now i think he acts the way he does toward al and dan because he is in fact, uncomfortable, and this feeling comes out in the form of a confident, know-it-all defense. so, this is why i now feel guilty. in the simplest of terms, i was taking him for an arrogant dumbass with no validity and i became frustrated when i should've just taken him for what he was; a scared puppy who had lost his way, but luckily stumbled upon a kind family who felt somewhat compelled to open their home to him. and he may or may not be an arrogant dumbass, but that's not the point. the point is that i shouldn't have let him start the fire. the core of the matter was nothing. literally, nothing.

the year of danielle

2006-01-08T19:28:00.000-08:00

hey pals. i'm going to post my resolutions for 2006. they're not major so i should be able to achieve them. if you keep your expectations low, you'll always be satisfied and if they're written in internet stone, your chances are even better. here we go.

i'm going to learn 'french for travelers' from compact discs in my kitchen
it's time for decorative scarves, people. all those belts -now visiting my neck region
dental floss, it's not just for every other day anymore
i will stop neglecting ayn rand and finally read atlas shrugged (mainly due to shop dungs)
love; i'm really gonna put my foot in it this year
i will take a giant step for danielle-kind and get logically closer to happiness (i can't be specific yet. i'll let you know as soon i possibly can)
let my hair get to be 'krazy' long and i'm well on my way. i'll send locks to you thru the US mail with my $.39 stamps

man i hate sarah-on-a-cruise right now and i'll catch ya later. i need more alcohol because it's better when you're numb.

sup batoches

2006-01-04T18:52:00.000-08:00

listen up, fish. people doing animal noises is my most favorite thing ever. seriously. ellen had her audience display their hidden talents and a few of them did animal impressions (WITH motions) and so then, i peed myself. it's ridiculous how much this entertains me. should you ever wish to do animal impressions for your cheesecakepot, here are a few old favorites:

horse and seal

yep. you do those, and we'll be all set.

here's another picture from my work pod archives. it's jeffanie in yet another fancy hat. it had some stuff on it that i didn't want you to see. ignore that part. these archives just may contain pictures of other bloggers you know sporting this.very.hat.

i'm so ugly, that's okay cuz so are u

2006-01-02T19:29:00.000-08:00

hey my phone was ringing 30 minutes ago. i was laying on the sofa and it was sitting next to me, so answering it was not going to be a problem. i assessed the caller ID and it said 'out of area' so i figured, hey, it's the new year and this is my phone so what the hell. i can definitely answer this shit and deal with whatever is on the other side. for someone who gets several hundred calls from her mother and sister every day, you can imagine my surprise when it ended up being a recorded voice telling me this: "this is a collect call from 'no one u know', who is AN INMATE AT THE COUNTY JAIL". then it was like friends season 7 in my great room - rachel picks up the phone and hears monica talking a little dirty to someone who ends up being chandler so she freaks out and hangs up as fast as only her little fingers can since this was the first she was hearing of the secret relations.

anywho...that's pretty much what i did. immediately following, i leaped up off the comfy cocoon and the all-day mild chest pains finally kicked into mad full gear. i called my mother from my cell phone (since the fear of picking up my home phone was still a little too great) to tell her that i was getting a new number first thing in the morning. she said the same thing just happened to them for the second time and that i didn't need to get a new number because our phone company had contracted some telesales out to prison inmates and that they're getting $.12 an hour for this service. i know this is true because martha was telling us just that last week on her show. while i appreciate that they're having the inmates work during their prison sentences, i still believe that the ass-face over at the wherever company who can be credited with this terrific new idea should be fired first thing tomorrow.

here's where i'm gonna turn it over to you guys. how many of my fine readers would seriously/literally/actually accept the collect call from an inmate at 10pm at night, maybe even on new year's eve (which is when my mom FIRST got the FIRST call) ? be honest. if you're gonna be fluffy and blow things up my out hole, that's fine, just answer the question, too.

all i need is this paddle-ball game. and these matches. and this clock. and...

2005-12-29T14:10:00.000-08:00

hi friends. hope everyone had a nice xmas and will soon have a great new years. my week's been pretty enjoyable because i got to make the braised lamb again, watched my niece turn 1, hung the rest of my window treatments with power tools, took apart my breakfast bar pendant lights, and realized that the xmas season is slowly ushering out and i don't have to take any xmas lights down!! sorry, sarah. yours are very beautiful but now you have go outside and take them down and i know that will make you annoyed and sad since you'll have to 1, take them down, and 2, i know you totally don't want to. anyways, i'm glad that i don't have to do that.

i saw martha's new daytime show for the first time this week and i really find it delightful. i was lucky enough to catch the halloween episode, which unfortunately featured rosie o'donnell. she's QUITE obnoxious and at one point, i wasn't sure who was hosting the show and then i was just pissed b/c i knew it SHOULDN'T have been ro-hulk, but it was. then i realized how much anger and outrage i still harbor for martha's time in prison. there are no words for the animosity i feel towards one of the most intelligent, powerful women in america going to prison on a faulty charge when enron guys are out and about running fancy free with little to no worries about their futures. island, people. i'm starting an island and this kind of shit won't fly there. you'll be shot in the ass or foot or something. martha and hillary will be running it with my assistance and bill will also be around because we like him so much. oh man. it sounds like heaven on earth.

i'll leave you with a picture of the view from my dining room on xmas and one of my niece on her first birthday. happy b-day bellachino and a safe and happy new year to all of you.

man have i been getting tagged a lot

2005-12-21T10:32:00.000-08:00

really does a number on the old chole. what? anyway. here are my 5 strange habits.

i always dispose of the sourdough nibblers that aren't in 'bloom'. the ones that stayed closed and didn't transform into a nibbler get tossed because they're not as much fun to eat. they taste just as delicious as the bloomers but i refuse to eat them.
for as long as i can remember, i only get in and out of bed on the left side. i haven't exited to the right for probably 20 years. i don't know why, but i won't even consider the right side that's adjacent to the bathroom, even in emergencies.
i only drink coffee through one of those stirrer-straw thingies, never just regular.
i refuse to eat jello and i don't know why.
i never touch my face and i won't let anyone else do it either. it's a weird face thing i have that's kinda like mary's brother warren's ear issues in 'something about mary'.

ok, two other thoughts for u bitches. who does john look like in this picture? i kinda think favreau and he thinks mcconaughey. it's from a few years ago when we still sat in the pod at work and liked to play dress-up with the random articles of clothing we found on our floor. and the other thing, i think i want to tag rachel mcadams. yeah. i do.

the price is wrong, bob

2005-12-14T08:14:00.000-08:00

this is an actual email from a work douche. what an effing douche. how many commas should one use to separate one sentence? apparently 17 is the answer. also, i'm not working extra hours at xmas and new year's because your dumb team is incompetent. eff u.

All,
I agree with Sue, at this point, as we have been during the past month, we need to look at extra hours. I realize this is hard with the holidays, and we should look to make it as productive as possible. If there are groups that have dependencies, for file transfers or processing, please discuss when you can all be available at the same time, so are productive as possible during those extra hours.
Bob

keep your goddamn tongues off active, live, cultured bacteria on aluminum foil

2005-12-11T09:10:00.000-08:00

so ok. here you go. jan made me think of this the other day. those guys over at yoplait collect their own yogurt lids for the benefit of breast cancer. it's admirable and i commend them - i really do. it reminds me hedge funds. however, jan for instance, she licks the lid and then sends it to yoplait. um...hello?? hi! how disgusting would my life be if i had to work at yoplait in the lid collection department. holy eff dudes. i would like, have to punch myself in the neck if my job entailed thousands upon millions of licked-up lids at.my.fingertips. it made me throw up in my mouth a little when i came to this conclusion, as i'm sure it's doing to you right this very second.

do it for me, your cheesecakepot. try to either rinse the lid if you're sending it to yoplait, OR, just wrap that shit up in a napkin or whatever and then place it aside and dispose of it inside the yogurt cup when you're finished. or just throw it away at your time of commencement. you owe me. you do.