what brown can do for me

i thought i would share some findings regarding the countless varieties of 'brown liquor'. here is how it tastes:

• chivas - tastes like wood soaked in motor oil
• dewars - tastes like wood soaked in motor oil
• cutty sark - see above
• jb - just don't.
• knob creek - tastes like wood soaked in fire
• makers mark - tastes like wood soaked in charcoal
• buffalo trace - tastes like wood soaked in charcoal with pepper and fire - it bites you back
• jameson - tastes like what i believe an irish person soaked in a cheap barrel would taste like
• crown royal - tastes like what i believe a canadian soaked in a cheap barrel would taste like
• crown royal special reserve - this is just way too smooth. i mean really.
• a really old midleton - wow. ridiculous. this is just, not fair to anyone.
• tullamore dew - you might as well just drink jameson
• bushmills - see above
• jim beam black - this guy's your buddy. invite him in. maybe have a sleepover.
• jim beam white - only if you're in a pinch
• jim beam green - don't bother
• woodford reserve - a step above maker's mark. i highly recommend it.
• gentleman jack - not so much
• jack daniel black - whatever
• jack single barrel - mah
• johnny walker anything - takes me right back to the first few on this list. something to do with motor oil comes to mind.
• basil hayden's - i can't speak ill of this. for some obvious reasons that are only obvious to some.
• black velvet - ugh. please don't. but if you even try to put diet sprite in this for me, i'll chop your hand off.
  
• macallen's - this can be a pretty easy one to take. "can be."
• glenlivet/glenfiddich - "scotch". you really have to like scotch.

if anyone disagrees with my findings, you're wrong. ok bye.

nugget

it should come as no surprise that i'm somewhat left and support most things that go along with it. wait. i think i support all things left. yes. i do. so, i'm not trying to start a debate or anything with anyone who may be currently online, (which they would lose anyway since this is my blog and i win at everything here) but i do have a nugget. thanks, left-ist friend that sent it. i think it's a lot of good fun for a thursday.

jimmy doors and match kooks

hopefully that title gets me into some strange google search results.

how do i get in touch with jimmy kimmel? i think he and i could really do some damage. i don't know what that means. all i know is that i just read his iTunes playlist and i just think we should know each other. let me know if you know how i can get in touch with him. we have the same birthday if it helps. he may want to marry me. i don't know.

also, people need to learn how to use and understand double doors. i was walking into a store yesterday and there was a girl in front of me. as we were about to enter the store, another woman was on her way out through the door on the left. the girl in front of me just stood in front of the door on the right as though it were a brick wall. instead of using door on the right, we stood there and waited for the woman to stop using door on the left. on my way out of the store, i used door on the right just to ensure it worked. it did. i'm putting this little story out there so that one day someone who does not understand how to use double doors maybe reads it and has an epiphany. quit ignoring the other highly efficient door.

is someone allowed to put you on match.com without your permission? if there are any legal types out there, please let me know what course of action i may have.

i can't stop listening to the kooks. it's like the cure and blur and the killers and coldplay and the ramones. sort of.

the shortest distance between 2 points

apparently goes a little something like this:












if you're someone, or perhaps something of importance from new york state and you're on your way to me in cleveland, ohio, you should first stop in new jersey to see how those guys are doing. clearly.

once you're satisfied that they're just fine, head down to west virginia because it's probably been ages since you engaged in some of whatever they happen to be doing there now... i don't know what that means.

then, instead of crossing the border directly into my state, i recommend you first go to pennsylvania. you were really close to the state of ohio, but it would probably make more sense to divert and ensure that you saw just as many states as you possibly could before finally setting foot in good old o-h.

yeah, this sounds good. this is exactly how i would do it. i think the drive from somewhere in west virginia to somewhere in pennsylvania is probably a little more interesting than what it would be like to drive from the bottom of ohio to the top. that's not the greatest road trip trail you could blaze. trust me.

my brain hurts

ok so sarah's blog made me do this. i guess steph sent it to her and then she posted it on oks and now i'm here with my track listing for the soundtrack of my life. not an easy task, my friends. not an easy task. and since i always do what i do, i added a few because i felt that they were imperative in a listing of songs that describe the story of one's life.

opening credits: mother mary - foxboro hottubs
while this song has nothing to do with me or my life, it's catchy and i think its meaning would confuse - which is always on my agenda, so, it works.

waking up: i understand what you want but i just don't agree - the sleepy jackson

average day: a million ways - ok go
these lyrics are just confusing. there's also something to do with being cruel.

first date: crush - jennifer paige
i must have listened to this song 300,000 times when it first came out. or, yesterday. i can't remember which it was because i'm so busy.

falling in love: closer to you - young love

love scene: #1 crush - garbage
when i hear this song, i almost feel like i shouldn't be listening to it because it just sounds really dirty. and i'm not talkin lyrics. i mean, who can even focus on the lyrics. well, i mean, you should. because they're edgy. and scary.

fight scene: head like a hole - nine inch nails
i'd rather die than give you control.

breaking up: say it right - nelly furtado

getting back together: walking after you - foo fighters

secret love: take my breath away - berlin
i'm not sure if this is about secret love or not but let's go with it.

life's okay: lovin each day - ronan keating

mental breakdown: seether - veruca salt
well she is not born like other girls, but i know how to conceive her...

driving: say you love me - fleetwood mac

learning a lesson: light in your eyes - sheryl crow

deep thought: destination vertical - masha qrella
i constantly get lost in this one.

flashback: you're a friend of mine - clarence clemons ft. jackson browne

partying: mixed bizness - beck

scene where we do coke in a big old house at night: dead and bloated - stone temple pilots
now, not that this necessarily describes my life, per se, it's just usually a scene in 90s movies where teen girls start experimenting with older, dangerous boys.

happy dance: dancing in heaven - q-feel
just so we're clear, this IS the song from the dtv finals in one of SJP's earlier showpieces with helen hunt and shannen d, girls just want to have fun.

regretting: heart of stone - erasure

(de?)motivational montage: fallen angel - poison
this was not on the original listing, but it needed to be.

frolicking in the park: like the weather - 10,000 maniacs
obviously this one needed to be added. hello.

sailing: better together - jack johnson
i bet you thought this was going to be sailing by christopher cross. well, you can't listen to sailing while sailing. you listen to it when you're not to remind you to get to the boat asap so you can sail and listen to jack johnson and drink beer in cans.

long night alone: nowhere and everywhere - michelle lewis

death scene: i miss you - blink 182

going home again: wonderful - adam ant
because whoever didn't die above is going to want to go home and visit some old friends and family due to the recent loss they've suffered that has caused them to go into a highly reflective and nostalgic phase...

closing credits: waiting for love - alias
this is just *so* closing credits.

i feel as though i'll need to make another movie. judging by this, i think i'm really good at making movies.

pool me

since i don't think of these things when i'm in the presence of people, this will be a public service announcement for those i either went to college with, lived with for one glorious year, worked alongside, dated as a married couple, married on the island of pib for a weekend where firefall's 'you are the woman' was our wedding song, told you that you should bang marty party first chance you get, witnessed you go from zero to relationship in 4 seconds at the wine fest with whats her name, drank "acceptable" quantities of wine with recently, drank "acceptable" quantities of wine with a long time ago, drank "acceptable" quantities of wine with tomorrow, or next saturday. whatever. what i'm trying to say here is that whenever you'd like to enjoy the gate's tremendous pool, just give me a ring. i'm always up for a trip to the clubhouse where the annoying americans drag their kids a plenty with unsafe pool habits to be loud and obnoxious. bring an ipod and/or "water" in a plastic water bottle that you'll never figure out how to recycle. talk to you soon.

what else...

i have random thoughts that need to be dropped somewhere so i can move on with my other random thoughts. you're like me so you know how it is.

• if you/your community recycle in weekly trash removal, something to note with regard to bottles, etc. if you drink a bottle of water and then toss the plastic remains into your recycle bin when done, it won't get recycled unless you remove the cap and discard with the regular trash. there you were thinking you were doing a tiny bit of good. not so much. remove those caps.
  

• another thing with regard to recycling and the environment - if you take your car through a laserwash or other type of organized carwash, the water gets reclaimed so you aren't completely and totally wasting resources. if you wash it in your driveway where the water surely just dries up or eventually drains to the sewer, you are slowly helping to deplete the strength of our ecosystem. thanks so much.

• 'my boyfriend's back' is a really unsettling and sort of terrifying comedy from 1993. the dude comes back from the grave, goes right back to school, and then tries to eat his friends because apparently that's what zombies do.
  
  
• i'm kind of newly obsessed with dragon sailboats. i mean, would you look at how sleek and beautiful? and what's more, they usually have a furling jib. sigh.
  
  
• three extremely new and popular songs are stuck in my head: 'i'll be your shelter' - miss taylor dayne, 'blame it on the rain' - those crazy little milli vanilli's, 'amie' - peter's prairie party... or something
  

• it's awkward when someone you hardly know/barely just met for real tells you it's all or nothing, now or never and then kind of storms off sort of mad when you stick to your guns on being the boss of you. what? maybe work on your delivery.
  

• pretty much everyone i know hates grapefruit and all that pertains to it. so... i thought i'd mention that finlandia makes an excellent grapefruit vodka (better than ruby red absolut) that you can mix with your secret ingredients when making a fun little batch of my special july surprise.

• i have a fever and the only cure is more creamy horseradish sauce on literally everything i can find.

ok. that should do it. good talk.