spaldinggetyourfootofftheboat

i signed my life/savings to the title agent a little while ago and i love the house, but i still have major tightening in my chest due to the construction loan process being so fucking painful. every time i do something house related, it makes me feel like a giant ass. i don't know why. i have everything signed and delivered according to plan, i just feel so stupid at the mercy of gg homes and the bank. since i can't dwell on this, i'm thankful for several things. i'm healthy that i know of, i'm still employed (4 yrs tomorrow), i have a great family, my close friends are the best, i am actually building a beautiful house, i met my perfect man that i can't have, but someone that i could marry does really exist, i also met the other half of my brain, who without i don't know what i would do, def leppard has armageddon it, my niece is amazingly cute, i'm pretty smart, i'm funny sometimes, and i have an mba. so i guess i'm still doin alright over here. nickel knobs though. seriously. i don't care what extra 'debt' they bring. i need them bad. i get to go pick out my front door tomorrow and i'm a little drunk right now. it's fine.

nickel knobs

do not take big don with you to the brand new house store. she will ruin your first home experience and the life of the poor lady that has to deal with you and your little picky selections. the plans were totally fine but big don had to get all up on them and concern herself with the specific type of windows along the rear elevation. i see where she's comin from, but dammit to peter, give the poor custom builder a mini little break. this concluded part 1 of the new home 'selections' process. parts 2 and 3 are on deck. big don's staying home.

for those who cared about the outcome of the stairs, please either sit down or grab a handful of tissues. this news was more than a little devastating to me so i can't imagine what it will do to you. the sneaky builder people pretended to listen but actually ignored me when i asked about hardwood stairs with a rug runner up the center like 94 years ago when it mattered. TODAY, they're not able to do that since i didn't specify it 94 years ago when it mattered. oh, and that beautiful brick you thought you could have, you can't. we lied. same with those gorgeous cabinets. but i'm so over the stairs now. i'm getting those emeffing nickel knobs and hinges if it's the last mother effing thing i do. mark my words... i'm gonna go punch myself in the face.

things i'm done with

1 paper in general
2 instant messaging
3 gas prices - i need it regardless
4 continental airlines
7 mortgage paperwork
8 terrestrial radio
9 eto/etd feelings
10 air jordan's
11 nhl hockey
12 rescheduling wM training
12 counting

snowed all up

while i was 'stranded' at my own airport for 6 hours last night, this is what i saw and/or did...get your damn mind out of the shitter:

1 a lady with like 3 small dogs stuffed in one of those trendy roll-y luggage thingies. they looked comfy. like sardines comfy
2 elvis in a grey jogging suit and sunglasses, which appeared only after his men's room visit...
3 several $5 beers
4 the meanest bartendress in the entire world. if i wasn't stuck in your stupid airport buying your effing beer hor, you'd be out a job
5 iMarc
6 zero new planes coming to all of my gates
7 approx 98,000 cancellations of all my flights
8 an angry angry little man named 'blair' who at one point had what appeared to be a seizure directed at someone on the other end of his tiny silver cell phone
9 like 14 senior citizens housing wieners and fries
10 a vibrating family

obviously i need to get a camera phone so i can email this crazy shit into blogspot next time.

sad stats

man i love the butts but i only come into contact with approx. .5 really nice ones every day. it's poll time, so here's a list of options that might allow me more time with the 'asses'.

1 design mens' underclothing and force every boy on the soccer team at the local university to model them for me, privately
2 petition the state for an annual, mandatory, boxer briefs only day
3 convince the hugh grant to finally come over already
4 initiate daily 'manhandling' of the guys at work (and maybe get promoted)
5 start a small 'service' business where my staff consists solely of man candy with sweet asses
6 get addidas, new balance, and skechers to add 20lbs of weight to the shoes...for fashion reasons
7 get dockers, levis, and gap to add 20lbs of weight to the pants...for fashion reasons
8 finally apply chemistry and concoct a compound that will produce a sweet ass when mixed with beer and pringles, while i wear tortoise shell-rimmed glasses and my hair in a bunn

what to do. my problems are sooo difficult.

good call, picasso

humans in general are oddly shaped. i get bored in meetings, so sometimes i zone into something even less interesting, like the shapes of ears, noses, lips, and foreheads. if you can really pull these things apart visually, you'll notice that they're comprised of unusual crevasses and curves. i'm not even talking about the irregularly/over/undersized instances either. our species, while probably very acceptable to everyone on earth, probably looks pretty crazy and strange to all other species (that probably secretly roam around undetected...). human ears are especially ugly. the shape, the size, yuck.

i urge you to inspect the human features more closely next time you're bored and obviously don't remember this post. you'll see. you'll wish you looked more like your cute little toy poodle.

can i ass you a question?

today at work, some of my team ended up having a spontaneous meeting near mac's cube. we all pull up some chairs. i grab the chair of someone we'll call 'steve' who's out on fridays. it has a tall back, so i think i'm pretty clever. i'm sitting towards the edge of the chair like i always do, leaning to the left. all of a sudden, i get a wiff of ass. when you get a wiff of ass, you usually stir a bit as if someone just passed smelling salts under your nose and to take a quick inventory of whether it's you or not. i rule me out and it seems like nothing, so i forget about it. one minute later, ass again... but like, twice the ass and the unfortunate trend continues for the next 15 minutes. it was in that third minute that i realized how much showering 'steve' does. you would never expect this guy to stink so bad either. it's always the quiet ones that reek of ass.

dammit steve. take an effing shower.