it wasn't so much my party as it was my cousin's weekend wedding marathon, 2005. my sister and i blessed it with this well-deserved title given the length and events of the last 72 hours. let me just state for the record that i'm NEVER getting married. it's now more absolutely official than it's ever been. not only did the actual wedding festivities last for 3 days, but it was extremely ethnic given our ridiculous heritage, which i'm not going to dwell on. it was ethnic and long and i'll now furnish the old blog with the thoroughly inconsequential highlights.
- it's time that the toothless guests charged up some dental work on the plastic. good god wedding groupies. you guys need to lay off the expensive clothes, shoes, purses, and cars and do something about the teeth you don't really have. well ok. i'm sorry. you do each have like 2 or 3 per person. whatever your case is, stop smiling at me. it's very unsettling.
- i finally got a breath of fresh air a few hours ago. i've been in a cloud of heavy, heavy cologne, perfume, and smoke and was starting to think i would get more relief if i would've just had my groomsman partner guy drive me in our non-air conditioned crap-trap right over to the asbestos store so i could inhale some glass particles.
- estranged brother of the bride and cousin of mine, i really really don't care for you and will not spare any squirts of pee if ever you needed them to save your life. thanx for crashing the reception with your actual hor.
- mother nature, hey you big beotch. i couldn't have asked for a more humid, 85 degree day in early june to have to spend 86 hours in wedding day hell.
- the bartenders who reached ice-cold miller lite cans out of an ice-filled bucket for me all evening were truly terrific. man i love you guys. favorite part of the wedding. hands down.
- when there's no dj and the band is a non-english speaking ethno-pop situation, it's more fun than i can describe.
- when they tell you that the cake is some sort of chocolate/raspberry torte, i expect some pretty fantasticly elaborate chocolate/raspberry torte not a spongecake with red jelly. goddamnyoustupideffingliars.
- if you're the bride, do not make the priest (and your entire wedding party & groom) wait an hour for you in the parking lot at the rehearsal because you incorrectly timed the manicure stuff. the wedding party and groom will still do just about everything you ask for but the priest will make your reception kick-off start an hour late because he feels like it and because he's a bitter, bitter man.
- oh, this is actually my favorite part of the whole eternal mess. everyone speaks the native language to each other all the live-long day with complete disregard for the non-speakers, or me. fortunately danielle doesn't speak the language so she was in her own little world for 97% of the nightmare. they would resort to periodically stopping and yelling my name like chevy chase yells 'rusty!' in the national lampoon movies. i'd be right next to them with my 'yeah dad' every damn time.
the wedding rituals this troop requires encompass 6 hours of hall-decorating the day before, 2.5 hours of rehearsal because some poeple have no respect for other peoples' time, a 6 hour send-off party at the bride's house the morning of, 60 minutes in the church for the actual wedding, 60 minutes in the church for all the post pcitures with friends and family, 6-10 hours at the hall for the reception, then another 6 hours the day after for 'day 2'. i knew it was all coming. it cost maid-of-honor-me $675 to be in it.
the wedding prep bullshit in last month has been building up inside me like a volcano and finally erupted friday and saturday. first and foremost, i don't understand the concept of marriage. i will never be able to rationalize how people can enter into this binding contract/institution willingly for 'eternity'. i can't even articulate my thoughts on people that do it 2 or 3 times. and the giant, exhorbitant wedding day party, that's just immature. if you do think you've found yourself a partner that you love and want to spend countless hours with for the rest of your life, your focus should be on that, not the kick-off party and its worthless flowers/decorations/nail polish/jewelry/gowns/shoes/hair/food/napkins/ice/lace/white lights/candles/archways/bridal-car-line-up details. is this shit about your new life with a true love or how many strings of white lights, fake flowers, and clear-topped push pins did or did not make it into the decor of the reception hall ?
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