on a lighter note

steph is the hero of the day. she threw a pumpkin carving party last night and it is my new current happy place. a bunch of girls sitting around woodford in the fall carving pumpkins, listening to my halloween inspired cd, eating donuts, drinking cider and pumpkin beer, and roasting seeds. i was really calm and happy just taking it all in. sarah was an amazing sport. she did not complain once, which is like non-stop for 6 hours. but it's ok. pumpkin guts can be gross if halloween isn't your xmas. once we finished carving (it took me like 5 mins because i totally rule), we put some candles in those guys and then sat around in the glowing pumpkin light reading meg's magazines where meg narrated the 12 sexy secrets in her slutty phone sex voice. steph offered to pay her $1.99 a minute and then, wait. that last part is not really in the happy place memory but it's in there and i can't get it out. anyway, it was a great night and steph, do not use a fork to clean out the insides ever again. that shit was gross. it did not look like cheese or spaghetti. it looked like intestines.

get excited for my house on the big day people. i'm gonna have like 84,000 kids on my porch!!

'quick question'

these might just be my two most favorite words in the english language - used together, sometimes around 4:45PM. but let me clarify something, quick questions plop in at any time of day and are equally as annoying at any hour. there's no weighting here. everyone and their retarded brother wants to ask me a quick question, or this in IM, 'hey, qq for ya'. you know what bitches, it's never a qq. it's never, ever been a qq to date, and i've been doing this for 52,560 hours. never in my 52,560 units of misery has your question ever been something that i can just blindly blurt out a mindless answer for. 'hey qq for ya.' 7. 7 is my answer. or no. no is my answer. seriously. these questions require me to redefine an entire corporate bee's nest process, or write a new system to rival microsoft windows, or figure out the world's energy crisis, or unlock the secrets to our resource management problem, or maybe figure out what to do with our health care situation. i don't know you guys. i can't fix these problems in the latter part of a day. something is wrong with me. obviously. so i would like to formally apologize to everyone (and their retarded brothers) for being so inadequate with regard to fielding the qq's. so sorry. so m-effing sorry, u sons of b's. the qq'ers are sons of b's. i'm so pissed. i'm gonna go punch some random jack in the chest.

adventures in aviariatrics (or AA for short)

you're never going to believe what i'm about to tell you. sex and the city reruns from last night jogged my memory. thank goodness for candace bushnell and those 4 crazy hors. i was driving to class last saturday morning. EARLY. it was a little after 7am and i'm on the long road to 480, which is kind of rural, but not exactly. the houses along there all have really deep, wooded lots so they can probably have animals if they want to. hey you know what, they want to. i heard a rooster crowing in real life for the first time ever in my 27 years, in the suburbs. i was so pleased. you would have to be. i mean, who in the greater cleveland area really ever hears this? after like 2 minutes of complete bewilderment, i thought of how happy the neighbors of the rooster people must be. pretty happy i'll bet.

eff boo

halloween brings out my cold, dark side, which is why i love it so much and i finally got a few pumpkins for my special upcoming xmas. the pumpkins are really cute and one actually doesn't stand on its own. nice. i got a retard. anyway, i was really excited to have my pumpkins out there on the front porch and then i found out some very distressing news. apparently i live in a stepford neighborhood. who knew? erik with a k knew. he shared the info and i'm none too pleased. we begin the story...

there are tons of families in my 'planned unit development' (PUD from here on out) who stay far, far away from me, the little single mutant. well, i don't think i'm a mutant, but i'm pretty sure they do. you can let me know what you think. so these stepfords (if i'm a mutant, you are definitely a stepford) have kids. and these kids, they go to school on buses. BUSES THAT PICK EACH KID UP AT THE END OF HIS OR HER DRIVEWAY EVERY MORNING. well you'll never guess what. the moms all go stand at the end of the driveway too - and i mean every last mom. then, they all have a meeting once the kids get on the bus. they stand there drinking coffee, wearing sweats, chatting about fake purses, and generally just looking like big a-holes. now i have no idea what they do once i leave the hood, but i know at least one small part of it includes thinking up dumb stuff to do with the others in the PUD. you've been waiting patiently so here it is. they're 'booing' people. these a-holes are booing each other. they took an email chain letter and personified it in real life with a big gay gesture involving real candy and my xmas. what the fuck morons. booing involves a basket of candy left anonymously on someone's porch with a note informing them that they have been booed and now must return the favor by booing two other fams. "hehe. i just added a few things to your to-do list that are completely immature and insane! enjoy!" these bitches haven't booed me yet and i don't think they will. i'm the single mutant and have placed a sign in my window that says 'if any of you bitches boo me, i'll fucking kill you. thanks!' i don't know about you but that says merry xmas to me. merry. fucking. xmas. get off me.

this is what it looks like from the stairs around 7am.

what did you do to deserve this

i'm blogging for the second time in the same month. this is preposterous. you're very lucky. maybe it's the 8% of great lakes beer talking. we'll never know.

i spent the weekend in real estate class and it ruled my kingdom. how can someone love real estate so much? today we talked about the different aspects of real estate finance and the teacher (who was the exact replica of the man who played rachel's dad on friends) nicknamed all 45 people in the room. i was danelly. solon, irish, old navy, harley, parma, richie, murray hill, key, avon girls, and phil were also present. it was a good crowd for a 9-hour discussion on all the types of mortgages one can obtain and just how intimate you, the licensee, need to get with a buyer's credit score. i just got chills.

sarah and i caught 'elizabethtown' with steph. great movie and i'm not a big movie fan but it was long and slow paced, but deep. perfect. also, orlando bloom has perfect lips. if they were a cottage, i'd rent them for the summer. but before i saw this movie, i participated in a standoff at the gate (my hood for those who are not paying attention). the spiders in my basement are larger than any i've ever seen in a residential setting. big don said to stock up on the wasp spray until my dad can come exterminate them. the size of my entire thumb and deep black. you can hear them walking from across the length of my 52-foot foundation. steph said she would come murder them. i'm gonna hold you to that doc. and, i'm willing to pay you a weekly fee since these monsters debilitate me when we're feuding over the same room.

i had that date with match guy 1. he was very cute and had just about every component i look for. he emailed me today to see if i wanted to dine again soon, but maybe cook in his kitchen this time... not too shabby for rachel. hey you know what? i always, always want to cook in your kitchen. i also got 3 more leads on new meat. they each seem really fun so far so i'll be setting up some calls this week. i'm meeting match guy 2 tomorrow so wish me luck. then, i'm going to shard's new house on tuesday to watch gilmore girls. i hear she has a giant clock. hmmm.

love bites is on xm. i'll do my 2 thanksgiving cents right now; i'm thankful for def leppard. ooh. 'the world don't need another lover' by giant steps just kicked on. get yourself some xm. this is fantastical.

i gotta do this

so i'm gonna break the cycle and post because i've been saving up some good shit for this mofo. i decided to just post what i feel like posting (within reason) because it's no fun when i censor myself in hopes of shielding some of the audience that i don't want to know what i'm REALLY thinking.

i've been doing online dating. it sucks. luckily i only signed up for a month because i wasn't too sure about it. i was right. you gotta be that person who loves to be online all the time, which clearly i'm not. i would be posting on this blog if i was. anyway, i've been talking to one of the guys pretty regularly and we're gonna meet this week. i've also been chatting with a few others and they're just not panning out so i now have to politely cut them off and that annoys the shit out of me. if i end up meeting 1 great guy, it will have all been worth it. but ugh. this is preposterous.

OH, you wanna know what else is pre-pos? my fucking sofa. that hell of shit needs to get its damn ass to my house already. i told sarah today that i haven't been able to lay around since august. how is that even possible? goddammityoueffingsofa. get to the gate!

i'm taking real estate classes. this one lady minister was there last week. here's why she's decided to get her real estate license; it's a calling from god that she help grow the lord's kingdom through real estate sales. um. who has time for this?

i never did the month of drunk like i was planning. i'm older. i'm tired. i hate my life. it's impossible to settle in and enjoy a good fall microbrew when you're so pissed with the state of affairs.

i LOVE baseball in the fall. let's go angels. and a-rod. i love a-rod.

john sent me a link today. it's a link that really spoke to me. please take some time to read it. but don't come post crazy comments about your crazy views here. i have my views. you have yours. let's just keep them to ourselves. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/sam-harris/there-is-no-god-and-you-_b_8459.html

what else. i miss college AND high school for once. the gilmore girls just had a kids dance recital and they were doing like, all of the showchoir songs we did in high school. it was very depressing because i cannot remember any of our dances. how much does life suck.