apparently i'm hot and lonely

i was doing a little grocery shopping yesterday and used the self check-out. i did have beer in the cart so the light started blinking and the lady came to see my ID. this is what happened:

lady - hi can i see your ID?
me - sure (i hand it to her)
lady - REALLY.
me - yeah.
lady - well YOU look FABULOUS. wow.
me - hey, thank you.
lady - no joke. fab.

how amazing is she. but before all that, there was a really cute guy that i was getting ready to stalk or pick-up by going down his aisle and pretending to buy what he was buying. if it was tampons, all the better. i couldn't find him though!! that was sad. i had a feeling he was a good one and i hardly ever feel that. rest assured, i will start a new, very frequent grocery schedule so as to increase our chances. seriously, he had glasses, blond-ish hair, a really cute butt, and a swimmer build. that's the stuff dreams are made of.

what's up rocktors

i just have random thoughts right now.

dvr joined me two weeks ago. you were all correct. it changed my life within the first three hours of our time together. now if it only had a direct hook-up to uncle al's pizza and a vibrating feature...i'm sure you've heard it before, but i wouldn't have any reason to leave the gate.

in related news, patrick dempsey, just come over already. it's excrutiatingly painful that you're this adorable.

there's something that i'm truly happy about and that also makes me pretty sad. can't say much more.

i'm really proud of chop for being so good about his new diet. seriously, i mean it.

there's a group of organized individuals that i've been spending much time and effort on since mid-november. it's official. they can fuck off.

ooh. gotta run. 'oops' just shuffled in. time for the britney dance in my kitchen.

save the date

i'm going to be participating in the 'guys and dolls bachelor and bachelorette bid' to benefit easter seals on february 16th, 2006. for those in the area, i can sell you a pre-sale ticket for $35 ($40 at the door, $30 deductible). if you're unable to attend, i'll also be collecting donations. OR, you can just tell me how much fun you think i am for doing this and not attend or pledge any money, but that would be ridiculous and you'll never hear the end of it. obviously i'll be fine with any course of action you choose. it will be held at the holiday inn on rockside and doors open at 5:30PM, singles auction starts at 7pm. there will be a cash bar and HORs d'oeuvres.

let me know if you're interested. at a very minimum, you can come watch a horny, 55-year old man win an evening with me where i am legally obligated to attend. this is win-win for everyone. (but me.)

i object!

oh people. the bachelor takes my breath away. and if his blond, rugged, bronzed, intelligent, doctor body isn't enough for you, this season is taking place in the city of lights, none other than gay paris. i hope you either watched it or tivo'd it because good eff, i can't even begin to describe the captivation that IS the psycho-bitch 'reproductive-phase' lady. for her scarce fleeting moments with the hot dr. trav, she managed to get out 5 deathly cold, frightening words; 'i'm in my repoductive phase.' then, she basically assulted him in the chateau's grand foyer after he failed to offer her a rose. it was FANTASTIC television and the best i've seen in weeks. cheers to you, the good people at abc.

something else that's been bugging me: at dinner, there was a maaaan and this is what he proclaimed; 'i don't know if you knew this or not, but the pacific ocean is actually very, very cold.' at the time, i wish we could've seen my face. it was probably blank baffle while i wondered where he could possibly be deriving all of his chauvinistic condescention from with this very bold, public lack of knowledge of the temperature of the pacific. i think everyone at the table knew that the pacific is cold and knew for the better part of our lives, yet we said nothing to cut his truth. it was our job to make him feel comfortable no matter how uncomfortable he made us feel. it's now that i'm reflecting on the transaction and feeling a little guilty about what i felt, at the time. yes, he talks down to me. yes, i have a lot more education than he. yes, i miss my uncle and the 80s. AND, now i think he acts the way he does toward al and dan because he is in fact, uncomfortable, and this feeling comes out in the form of a confident, know-it-all defense. so, this is why i now feel guilty. in the simplest of terms, i was taking him for an arrogant dumbass with no validity and i became frustrated when i should've just taken him for what he was; a scared puppy who had lost his way, but luckily stumbled upon a kind family who felt somewhat compelled to open their home to him. and he may or may not be an arrogant dumbass, but that's not the point. the point is that i shouldn't have let him start the fire. the core of the matter was nothing. literally, nothing.

the year of danielle

hey pals. i'm going to post my resolutions for 2006. they're not major so i should be able to achieve them. if you keep your expectations low, you'll always be satisfied and if they're written in internet stone, your chances are even better. here we go.

• i'm going to learn 'french for travelers' from compact discs in my kitchen
• it's time for decorative scarves, people. all those belts -now visiting my neck region
• dental floss, it's not just for every other day anymore
• i will stop neglecting ayn rand and finally read atlas shrugged (mainly due to shop dungs)
• love; i'm really gonna put my foot in it this year
• i will take a giant step for danielle-kind and get logically closer to happiness (i can't be specific yet. i'll let you know as soon i possibly can)
• let my hair get to be 'krazy' long and i'm well on my way. i'll send locks to you thru the US mail with my $.39 stamps

man i hate sarah-on-a-cruise right now and i'll catch ya later. i need more alcohol because it's better when you're numb.

sup batoches

listen up, fish. people doing animal noises is my most favorite thing ever. seriously. ellen had her audience display their hidden talents and a few of them did animal impressions (WITH motions) and so then, i peed myself. it's ridiculous how much this entertains me. should you ever wish to do animal impressions for your cheesecakepot, here are a few old favorites:

horse and seal

yep. you do those, and we'll be all set.

here's another picture from my work pod archives. it's jeffanie in yet another fancy hat. it had some stuff on it that i didn't want you to see. ignore that part. these archives just may contain pictures of other bloggers you know sporting this.very.hat.

i'm so ugly, that's okay cuz so are u

hey my phone was ringing 30 minutes ago. i was laying on the sofa and it was sitting next to me, so answering it was not going to be a problem. i assessed the caller ID and it said 'out of area' so i figured, hey, it's the new year and this is my phone so what the hell. i can definitely answer this shit and deal with whatever is on the other side. for someone who gets several hundred calls from her mother and sister every day, you can imagine my surprise when it ended up being a recorded voice telling me this: "this is a collect call from 'no one u know', who is AN INMATE AT THE COUNTY JAIL". then it was like friends season 7 in my great room - rachel picks up the phone and hears monica talking a little dirty to someone who ends up being chandler so she freaks out and hangs up as fast as only her little fingers can since this was the first she was hearing of the secret relations.

anywho...that's pretty much what i did. immediately following, i leaped up off the comfy cocoon and the all-day mild chest pains finally kicked into mad full gear. i called my mother from my cell phone (since the fear of picking up my home phone was still a little too great) to tell her that i was getting a new number first thing in the morning. she said the same thing just happened to them for the second time and that i didn't need to get a new number because our phone company had contracted some telesales out to prison inmates and that they're getting $.12 an hour for this service. i know this is true because martha was telling us just that last week on her show. while i appreciate that they're having the inmates work during their prison sentences, i still believe that the ass-face over at the wherever company who can be credited with this terrific new idea should be fired first thing tomorrow.

here's where i'm gonna turn it over to you guys. how many of my fine readers would seriously/literally/actually accept the collect call from an inmate at 10pm at night, maybe even on new year's eve (which is when my mom FIRST got the FIRST call) ? be honest. if you're gonna be fluffy and blow things up my out hole, that's fine, just answer the question, too.