when life drops 150,000 lemons on your head, make lemon beverages

i'm currently working for a place, while i'm working for a place. it's like two jobs in one. you should hold back your excitement and hide your jealousy because i'm not in the mood to pretend to be modest. not everyone can do what i do for the purposes of the corporate hor business world. i'm almost single-handedly making the world go 'round. what did you do today?

no ok. i'm kidding, you guys. i stalk developers in india just before they leave after working at least 12 hours and then i fill out a bunch of spreadsheets with the stuff they told me they had done during the day to pretty much get me to let them alone so they can go home. after i finish filling in the spreadsheets, i read the mail. the mail contains a lot of people talking to themselves and raising both rhetorical issues and questions that no one can or will ever answer or ever be able to or even want to. it's just a good way to jam up the system so no one has any idea what anyone is talking about or trying to do. fine.

what was the point. the point was that i do all this for you. i feel compelled to propel the business climate back into the black. we're obviously in a recession and i'm here to tell you that i will do my best to help us out of it, spreadsheets in hand, because clearly, i could do this all by myself. and clearly, i enjoy punctuation.

now while i'm dong all this selfless activity for you, i may tend to get really bored. i know - how could that be. just now for instance, i was thinking of ways to amuse myself until perhaps 11pm (my time) when i get to leave the work camp. i'm in another time zone and that's neither here nor there, but definitely part of this fascinating equation. here's what i came up with for things i could do to pass eternity:

• go do rounds on all the floors wearin my white on white sneakers and high-rise jeans cuz there's a bunch of floors and i could be like a mall walker who rounds them... except, not
  
• drink one of the abundantly free pop/sodas. i don't drink pop, but i may start today
• take my laptop and go sit in a cube with another person. it's pretty common here. i wonder what the guy would do if i sat down in his cube where some other guy usually sits. along with him. because we sit 2 to a cube... i'll be honest. i miss michael when he's not there.
  
• think up new ways to terrorize my boss. from every possible time zone. trust me, there's a lot.
• try to imagine what crazy shenanigan ellen's gotten herself into on the show today. she's so crazy. that one.
• read the blogs. wait. i already did that.
• call my mom. wait. i already did that.
• call my dad. wait. i already did that.
• call my sister. wait...
• figure out what to ask maureen dowd if we ever finally get to have drinks
  

so when i say 'make lemon beverages', i mean drink bourbon/vodka/whiskey/gin/rum/tequila and hold the rocks. and don't drink them together like that sentence makes it seem. you could die. i mean, maybe you want that. i don't know. don't die though. talk to you later.

here's to vegetables

i think... it's time... that i made everyone really sick to their stomachs. i mean, when do i ever do that? seriously. never. i don't even want to hear you telling me that i'm gross because in reality, i'm not gross. you're probably way more gross. i'm just the messenger and you are not supposed to be mad at me. that's the law. don't hate the player.

i read something disgusting today and whenever i read or see or hear something disgusting, i try to pass it on to, well, anyone, because it's like a song that gets stuck in your head - you have to pass it on because energy in motion tends to stay in motion and you, fine reader, are going to be the recipient of the unusually disgusting energy that i've captured. otherwise, i could leave you with these lyrics: benny! benny! benny! b-b-b-benny and the jets! (it's really up to you.)

so, be a good kid and click on the link and accept that i'm cramming really bad tasting goop down your poor little throat.

good luck with this. god speed.