tales from yore; a young cheesecakepot learns to hate

when i was in kindergarten, there was a friday morning ritual known as 'show and tell'. since i know my readers so well, i know you may not be able to conceptualize what this might entail. i will enlighten you.

show and tell had to do with a class full of circa 1983 5yr-olds who were dying to "show" you some of their junk and then proceed to "tell" you a tale regarding it. stay with me now. this ritual also had something to do with a teacher being present because, at the time, most localities weren't in the habit of allowing 5yr-olds to trapse about schools all by their lonesome(s). if memory serves (and it very well may not) i believe we were only permitted one measly show and tell a month or something similarly bizarre. the circa '83 kindys (i just made that up) would usually showcase barbie dolls, remote control cars, sporting equipment, stuffed animals, and other generally fascinating electronic gadgetry that 5yr-olds would feel compelled to haul places for what can best be described as casual friday morning presentations. you'd now like to know where this story is headed because i'm starting to wonder the same. here, i'll "show" you.

back in '83, i had spent an afternoon with my aunt and baby-aged cousin. being the good parent that she was on the afternoon in question, my aunt decided to feed my little cousin. i was extremely helpful back in the day so naturally i offered to assist with the initiative. i had noticed that my aunt was using a regular fork that had 4 little orange fork-teeth protectors securely affixed to each fork prong essentially transforming it into an early spork. i studied this configuration for a moment and then realized why it was necessary (because i was 5 and a genius). my aunt had effectively child-proofed the fork so she could use it to feed my small cousin. i don't know why she wasn't using baby utensils, but she wasn't. maybe some stupid a-holes gave her some stupid fork protectors for the baby shower and she kinda felt like using them. who knows. the point is, they were there and we were using them.

i think i was so taken by the little orange fork protector situation because of how absurd it was. why not just use a baby spoon? i don't know! i'm 5 and this is newsworthy! others must know what i know. i proceed to borrow the fork protector and haul it to kindergarten for my once rarely casual friday morning presentation. i was very excited to showcase my findings so i got up there and told my tale ensuring that every last detail was accounted for. the class was also 5yrs old so they were all pretty amused with what i had uncovered. the teacher was not 5yrs old so she was far less amused and there's where it ends. i stabbed her to death right then and there with my little orange fork protector.

ok. no. i didn't. i was 40lbs. i should've stabbed her because once i finished presenting, she publicly belittled me before the class and made certain that i knew this was THE most uninteresting artifact one could ever possibly show and tell on and that she was very, VERY dissapointed in me. i cried for hours and then just decided to hate her. forever. and then eventually come full circle and hate everyone and everything else as well.

so i end up at the moral of the story. mrs. j: you were integral in the development of my moral fibers and core personality elements. i'm a living breathing hate machine and i *think* you fired the first shot down a long, winding road that is now my hateful, spiteful, dark, blog existence.