fly me to the miu-oon

i decided that if sarah can start listening to xmas music in early august, i can start stocking up on whimsical halloween decor, mid-late month. see below for the first piece of my 2006 collection.

and it could be the target wine cube talking, but i think i'm gonna be ok. i've been miserable since wednesday at 11:32a, but the more i think about it, fall's on my doorstep, AND, i'm closer to where i want to be than i've ever been before. let's celebrate that my friends. and target box wine; celebrate that as well.

i'm waiting here for you in the state i'm in

i really wanna blog something meaningful here tonight but in lieu of recent events, i'm not going to do that. instead, i watered my flower beds, grilled some fish, took a long drive, and bought menthol lights. i paid $4.13 to enjoy 1 on my porch this evening and it was damn good. i'll have a cig twice a year when it's warranted. my friends, i earned it today. there's so much wrong with what went down, i can't really scratch the surface at this point so i won't even attempt it. honestly, things could be worse. i was able to put it all back into perspective. but, JR - guy who told on me - you'll feel my wrath one day. and.it.will.hurt.

this is just ridiculous

i had the world's greatest ice-cream last night - so great, that this event is now legendary in my life. when you get a chance, haul yourself over to a dunkin donuts/baskin robbins combo store and get a scoop of "world class chocolate". not only is it gorgeous on a cone, but it's also unreasonably delicious. it was so ridiculously beautiful in color, i wanted to take a picture of it. it was however, ice-cream, so i was therefore unable to take the appropriate snaps for historical recording purposes. the gist of it is this; white chocolate mousse ice-cream swirling around chocolate chocolate mousse ice-cream. it was like they were dancing together in a very whimsical manner. very yin yang. so for those who might be envisioning regular chocolate and vanilla-type colors, just stop it. i can only insist that you go see this for yourself, in person. if you are at all disappointed with what you find, i will repay you in the form of me buying myself a charity cone to make up for it because you will be hurting its feelings and i don't want it to feel sad.

hey, no cock pump

normally i would send chop dungs a text message, but going forward, i will now leave messages here - since the text messaging device is nowhere near me and i would have to get up to get it and i don't require more vodka or anything right now so i'm not getting up off the sofa. chop, you are smart. i left the lights on in my basement this morning and then found that i had approximately zero flies in my house around 6pm. they might be breeding in the sump pump and since the basement is kinda dark, the light from under the door to my kitchen draws them out. i figured i would leave the lights on down there and maybe that would make them less likely to enter the house. it did the trick. no flies in the house today so i took a brown paper bag and covered that opening under the door to the basement to see if that's officially it.

there are 16 giant spiders on my front porch. i don't recommend you going there.

gerbs is married. now it's actually sherbs. sarah thinks a skinny weird guy is eventually coming for me. god i hope so. it's getting late.

ryan reynolds is delicious. i wanna get married. don't tell the boys i date cuz they might get scared.

egg sack

i had to perform a mass murder last night. it was a spider and her 2 sacks full of millions of babies. i didn't like doing it but it had to be done. i knew it was going to be a struggle for me, but i also knew that i didn't want millions of spider babies all over my life. the basement was the scene of the crime. i was down there running on the treadmill and decided to inspect her web a little closer, which is when i discovered the egg sacks. and i hate killing anything to the point where i actually ran an extra mile to push the murder off for that much longer.

in lighter news, it was a good night for early 80s movies; national lampoon's vacation, animal house, and 9 to 5. i feel asleep to these after the massacre.

is it possible that my tropical kitchen tree has life in it - i mean like, flys/little worms. i caught a few inch worms making a break for it over the weekend and i've had a fly problem for weeks now. the tree moved into my kitchen in october so i would've imagined that the lifeforms should've started their migration already. is it possible that there are now worms/flys in that pot due to spontaneous generation?

what if i have a breakdown and end up looking like this lady:

as busy as a one-armed paper hanger

that was me on saturday night. busy. i had a small party at my mansion and it turned out to be an extremely lovely evening - very quiet, very tame, and i know my neighbors with small children didn't mind the singing of 20 'in-eebs' at 1am. now this singing part, i can't substantiate it. my next door guy (who so kindly lent us wood for my firepit) mentioned that the people behind us said they liked the song we were singing at 1am. i don't remember this taking place so i can't believe it's true.

more than a few people tried to discourage me from burning my firepit on the dry lawn in the middle of july. we had a need for fire and pits so what could we do? obviously, the patio has not yet arrived and i'll just say that i'm more than frustrated with the cement guys in the area who won't come pour it and/or return my calls. (actually, a good side bar for ya - the patio guy just called to say that's gonna be another 2 weeks...i don't believe a word he says but he's all i've got. i don't really understand why, but cement guys must not need any more business at this point in time.) the party was to celebrate my new patio but since there wasn't one, we had a party anyway and it was a good one, my friends - one for the history books. the moon was out. it had an orange tint. good buddies were there. GOOD alcohol was there. it was a beautiful summer night and i couldn't have asked for more (well, ok. i could. i could have used a patio but that's neither here nor there.)

i don't remember too many highlights because i guess i was pretty drunk. i remember the night fondly, but i don't have a lot of details. i do know this; more than a few people had to spend the night and that's always a good sign. i remember telling the guests that i had locked the windows and doors really tight so no one would come in and steal them. see that, i care about people. deeply.

there will be another party as soon as the patio shows up... and probably one before that as well. i still have way too much of the hard stuff in my refrigerator. oh, and to whoever drank my 'prop' wine that sits on kitchen counter beside the oven - i am so sorry. i opened that bottle of zinfandel in like february and didn't end up finishing it. i really liked the label though because it coordinates with my kitchen's theme and colors, so i left it as a prop. i have to imagine you were too drunk to know that it tasted like sour ass, but my apologies nonetheless.

stay tuned for patio party, the sequel. or, let me know when you people wanna come over again because there's seriously an unreal quantity of beer, margaritas, daquiris, wine, and 1 mike's light hard lemonade being very aimless at my house.

boom, boom, boom - let's go back to my room

first off, i had to cut my lawn for the first time on sunday morning. for those who aren't sure why that would be newsworthy, i had a lawn guy, 'kenny', who was hired to cut my lawn twice a month. he cut the lawn a total of 4 times since early april and then just stopped without warning a month and a half ago. some little birdies told me that he had developed a thing for me, so i believe his strategy then became 'i'll only cut the grass over there when she calls me after i haven't showed up for a month and then i'll also take that opportunity to ask her out on strange dates'. well obviously, he's history. i'd also like to report him to the better business bureau but i'm slightly worried he'll start cooking rabbits atop my stove. anywho, cutting the grass wasn't THAT bad but i really hate cutting the grass so it just reaffirmed my predilection for a grass cutting service. i borrowed my sister's lawnmower and set out to reveal no less than 150,000 different types of grasshopper species. i know that grasshoppers are harmless and they don't bother me, but they're still bugs and i don't like bugs so i found them to be gross and annoying. i was after all cutting grass and that's where they live so what could i do (but run them over). before you go berating me on all the joys of grass cutting (like my neighbor), don't. some people like to cut their grass. i'm just not one of them. when the boy moves into my home for permanent residence, he will be assigned all lawn mowing tasks (if you know what i'm saying). done and done.

the second thing about the extra long holiday weekend that i feel the need to explain, i drank a lot. and when i say a lot, i mean A LOT. it was that new ruby red absolut. i couldn't resist it. coincidentally, neither could the raspberry lemonade i whipped up. i spent much time lounging on my neighbors patios and they probably really enjoyed that - i certainly did. and something else that's fun about my neighbors, they like to make their own fireworks. i live in a neighborhood that's surrounded by a somewhat rural area. there are locals and they make their own fireworks and probably moonshine as well. long story short, i didn't have to move an inch to see fireworks this past weekend. i looked anywhere and saw pretty decent starbursts everywhere and i'm pretty sure it was the man who's been constructing the lazy river in his backyard for the last year. hey let me know if you want visitors at the hospital, lazy river guy. i'm sure you blew off a finger or a toe or your face.