i'm tina fey

mean girls was on tbs a lot last weekend. i was watching it with sarah, diane, and sharda when one them declared that i was tina fey. luckily for everyone, i am in possession of the internet and photoshop.












i know, right?

tales from yore; a young cheesecakepot learns to hate

when i was in kindergarten, there was a friday morning ritual known as 'show and tell'. since i know my readers so well, i know you may not be able to conceptualize what this might entail. i will enlighten you.

show and tell had to do with a class full of circa 1983 5yr-olds who were dying to "show" you some of their junk and then proceed to "tell" you a tale regarding it. stay with me now. this ritual also had something to do with a teacher being present because, at the time, most localities weren't in the habit of allowing 5yr-olds to trapse about schools all by their lonesome(s). if memory serves (and it very well may not) i believe we were only permitted one measly show and tell a month or something similarly bizarre. the circa '83 kindys (i just made that up) would usually showcase barbie dolls, remote control cars, sporting equipment, stuffed animals, and other generally fascinating electronic gadgetry that 5yr-olds would feel compelled to haul places for what can best be described as casual friday morning presentations. you'd now like to know where this story is headed because i'm starting to wonder the same. here, i'll "show" you.

back in '83, i had spent an afternoon with my aunt and baby-aged cousin. being the good parent that she was on the afternoon in question, my aunt decided to feed my little cousin. i was extremely helpful back in the day so naturally i offered to assist with the initiative. i had noticed that my aunt was using a regular fork that had 4 little orange fork-teeth protectors securely affixed to each fork prong essentially transforming it into an early spork. i studied this configuration for a moment and then realized why it was necessary (because i was 5 and a genius). my aunt had effectively child-proofed the fork so she could use it to feed my small cousin. i don't know why she wasn't using baby utensils, but she wasn't. maybe some stupid a-holes gave her some stupid fork protectors for the baby shower and she kinda felt like using them. who knows. the point is, they were there and we were using them.

i think i was so taken by the little orange fork protector situation because of how absurd it was. why not just use a baby spoon? i don't know! i'm 5 and this is newsworthy! others must know what i know. i proceed to borrow the fork protector and haul it to kindergarten for my once rarely casual friday morning presentation. i was very excited to showcase my findings so i got up there and told my tale ensuring that every last detail was accounted for. the class was also 5yrs old so they were all pretty amused with what i had uncovered. the teacher was not 5yrs old so she was far less amused and there's where it ends. i stabbed her to death right then and there with my little orange fork protector.

ok. no. i didn't. i was 40lbs. i should've stabbed her because once i finished presenting, she publicly belittled me before the class and made certain that i knew this was THE most uninteresting artifact one could ever possibly show and tell on and that she was very, VERY dissapointed in me. i cried for hours and then just decided to hate her. forever. and then eventually come full circle and hate everyone and everything else as well.

so i end up at the moral of the story. mrs. j: you were integral in the development of my moral fibers and core personality elements. i'm a living breathing hate machine and i *think* you fired the first shot down a long, winding road that is now my hateful, spiteful, dark, blog existence.

whose house are you haunting?

there was an eerie discovery on a drive home last week. it was dark, stormy, and cold. as i was listening to my new favorite song, i glanced into the rearview and took note of the car behind me. i don't know how much attention you pay to this sort of thing, but try to remember to look next time. you might find that it's unsettling, depending on the time of day and weather conditions. it's not going to keep you up at night or anything; it's just eerie for a minute or two while you're reflecting on the visual and then you get your damn eyes back on the road because clearly you're a bad driver who pays unusually close attention to the outdated junk in the rearview. what i found was a midsize car, nondescript, with two figures in the front seat. i can only assume that the figures are a driver and a passenger. so far so good. the weird part comes into play because it's dark in this car to begin with and then the headlights of the car behind them are casting a backlight/shadow and display the two people as if they were 2 ghostly phantoms who have commandeered a vehicle and are now cruising the OF. these are the makings of a great horror film; night, rain, slight fog, ghastly 'dementors' steering the taurus behind you... this is the stuff wes craven is made of. like i said, it's only creepy for a minute and then you get back to your new favorite song because it's soothing and mellow and driving in night rain highlights the fact that you can't see very well at this point in life because you're not 11 and either your eyesight genetics are a sad sack or you really did spend too much time sitting too close to the tv watching smurfs & snorks as a kid. damn you.

to the horface 30th b-day circle of trust (sarah, john, leah, sharda, diane) - i've only been close to that drunk a few other times in life. man it was worth it. and holy eff i love my digital camera for recording all the precious memories so i could see what happened the next day. i haven't had that much memory loss in months. i do remember herding boys into the ladies room for a spin-off party* with sharda and leah. i do NOT remember being in the men's room - for the record.

*it's midnight and you are the perfect brand of hammered with a camera in one hand and a vodka cran in the other and sharda and leah have their heads in toilets and trash receptacles. please take note of figure 1.

figure 1

case closed. eventually.

i have some things that i'm going to say here because i can't say them where i need to say them. they're nomads; i'll never get the chance to get them back to their home. something happens on a fairly regular quarterly basis that causes me to go into a relapse. in light of the most recent occurrence, i'm now trying to be on the road to closure and this has to be a stop along the way. don't comment on any of this if you're going to annoy me. everyone and everything annoy me so maybe you just don't comment on this post. seriously. i'm pretty sure i have to let it run its course but i would love to help it end sooner and this seems like an activity that could assist. somehow.

i want to see pictures of you at the ages of 5,7,9,11,14,18,21. i want to know what you've got loaded on your mp3 player. i want to cuddle with you by the fire on the evening following especially seasonal holiday activities. i wonder what you're doing right now. i want to be aimless in stores with you. i don't want to just be a friend. i want to be with you most hours of my life. i want my heart to stop racing because you make it do that. i want to bottle the nervous/anxious/excited/calm your presence brings. i want to take you to my reunions. i want to travel everywhere with you. i bet you wouldn't want to kill the giant spiders either. i want to be the one you call as soon as the plane lands. i want to braise meats and veggies for you. i want to get snowed in while we're visiting your parents. i want to watch as mine fall in love with you. i wonder if you caught that song like i did. i wish i could remember what life was like before you. i want us to (blank) (blank) in the (blank). i want to sleep in your pajama top. i want to give you an alias so we can crash open houses on sundays. i hate that we can't be together.

my mom invented the internet.

when the cat's away, the mice will perform voodoo on you

i need a clever pick-up line. i have my favorite standbys but i don't think they would meet my current need (whew, you're hot in here. or, hey - you wanna go do it in the back of my car?) i need one that i can use on a hottie in the grocery store or at starbucks that will endear me to him in the sub 30 seconds i have to make a fun, lasting impression. it can't be one of the standbys because you can't lob those at people in starbucks at 9am. well i mean, you certainly could but i'd rather not as they're far less amusing prior to a gallon of vodka. it needs to be playful, intelligent, unique, brief, and most importantly, it has to work. i'm leaning toward something along the lines of "nice fairy drink" if he orders a fairy drink. also, i hate my job. also, either meg or woody licked the other on sautrday night. i'm having trouble with this one.

oops

someone finally got a video of me doing my britney dance. i'm embarrassed. now that i've seen this, i think i'm going to post my "cover" to see if i can compare. someone please explain what's going on here -

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KkO3BLz0X2Y

dancing queen. she's only 29

mentioning a few things;

• b-day on the 13th - doing fine with 29. thx to all the 'birthdays with beatrice' attendees.
• i love abba. i just revived 'abba gold: greatest hits' in my kitchen and i STILL know all the words to that entire album. i now have a karaoke system so feel free to come over for the revival cuz i'm singin it in my kitchen.
• dirty martini's; they made the abba kitchen dance party possible
• quattro. oh i loves me the quattro. mmmmmmmm......