pan cookies

what if you dedicated your life to pan cookies. your sole purpose for being would be bars crafted from dough infused with semi-sweet chocolate chips. seriously, what if you could love pan cookies to the point where they alone could get you out of bed in the morning. i'm talking obsessed with them. like, 'going to work finally has meaning because you're simply only going to make money to finance them' obsessed. and i'm also talkin elaborate here. they would have to be. i mean, right? you're gainfully employed. sheesh.

for one, clearly you will have lost your mind. and two, you would have to change the name of your blog to 'pan cookies actually do hate you'. but obviously pan cookies can't hate you. they're cookie bars. it wouldn't be rational if baked goods hated you.

but back to you getting up in the morning because of pan cookies...interesting concept. let me know how you make this possible because i'd like to employ your recipe for insanity and make pan cookies my reason for living as well.

when they pass around the coffee and the...

merry christmas, everyone.

this post is dedicated to sharda.

indeed, allen. indeed.

this chat window popped up while i was diligently "working" today -

Allen: No Danielle, no success
Danielle: that's what i always say

i saw murray kissing santa claus

like all good single, hip, bored kids in the month of december, i was reflecting on my xmas past, present, and future. the past is important because it's where we came from and where would we be without it. we need the present because it's here now and hello, who doesn't like presence. ;) the future, well, that's where we're headed and it's actually starting to happen now so you better check your swatch watch. man that was deep.

this all began with a picture i stumbled across from a year ago. it's simply just a picture of my xmas tree from last year when i had only been in my house for two months. i pulled up xmas tree photo 2005 and displayed it beside xmas tree photo 2006. it was interesting for me to see how i was expressing my xmas joy a year ago versus how i'm expressing it today. today's tree towers and has a never ending supply of sparkle. last year's tree was a dwarf palm with silver ribbon, white lights, and a classy little skirt. the big difference is that months ago i realized how much i enjoy decorating my home. if decorating my home means giant xmas tree then so be it. haul out the holly. also, sometime during mid-2006 the palm leased itself out to a colony of inch/mill worms. sadly, both worms and tree had to 'relocate'.

and in the spirit of xmas, i would like to take a moment to comment on us as a material society. we don't handle the xmas season very well. i'm embarrassed. for fear of my sanity loss and new car, as of yesterday i'm not going near a center de shopping again until late january. it's been nothing but upsetting and scary and i would like to avoid an appearance in court because that's not an item on my 2007 agenda. yet. it might be that i'm getting older and less patient but it feels like we cranked up the crazy by a factor of seven since last year. if i unexpectedly end up at the mall, i'll probably have to kill someone with my bare hands and that won't be very xmas-y.

without further adieu, two highly differing tree expressions.

i'm tina fey

mean girls was on tbs a lot last weekend. i was watching it with sarah, diane, and sharda when one them declared that i was tina fey. luckily for everyone, i am in possession of the internet and photoshop.












i know, right?

tales from yore; a young cheesecakepot learns to hate

when i was in kindergarten, there was a friday morning ritual known as 'show and tell'. since i know my readers so well, i know you may not be able to conceptualize what this might entail. i will enlighten you.

show and tell had to do with a class full of circa 1983 5yr-olds who were dying to "show" you some of their junk and then proceed to "tell" you a tale regarding it. stay with me now. this ritual also had something to do with a teacher being present because, at the time, most localities weren't in the habit of allowing 5yr-olds to trapse about schools all by their lonesome(s). if memory serves (and it very well may not) i believe we were only permitted one measly show and tell a month or something similarly bizarre. the circa '83 kindys (i just made that up) would usually showcase barbie dolls, remote control cars, sporting equipment, stuffed animals, and other generally fascinating electronic gadgetry that 5yr-olds would feel compelled to haul places for what can best be described as casual friday morning presentations. you'd now like to know where this story is headed because i'm starting to wonder the same. here, i'll "show" you.

back in '83, i had spent an afternoon with my aunt and baby-aged cousin. being the good parent that she was on the afternoon in question, my aunt decided to feed my little cousin. i was extremely helpful back in the day so naturally i offered to assist with the initiative. i had noticed that my aunt was using a regular fork that had 4 little orange fork-teeth protectors securely affixed to each fork prong essentially transforming it into an early spork. i studied this configuration for a moment and then realized why it was necessary (because i was 5 and a genius). my aunt had effectively child-proofed the fork so she could use it to feed my small cousin. i don't know why she wasn't using baby utensils, but she wasn't. maybe some stupid a-holes gave her some stupid fork protectors for the baby shower and she kinda felt like using them. who knows. the point is, they were there and we were using them.

i think i was so taken by the little orange fork protector situation because of how absurd it was. why not just use a baby spoon? i don't know! i'm 5 and this is newsworthy! others must know what i know. i proceed to borrow the fork protector and haul it to kindergarten for my once rarely casual friday morning presentation. i was very excited to showcase my findings so i got up there and told my tale ensuring that every last detail was accounted for. the class was also 5yrs old so they were all pretty amused with what i had uncovered. the teacher was not 5yrs old so she was far less amused and there's where it ends. i stabbed her to death right then and there with my little orange fork protector.

ok. no. i didn't. i was 40lbs. i should've stabbed her because once i finished presenting, she publicly belittled me before the class and made certain that i knew this was THE most uninteresting artifact one could ever possibly show and tell on and that she was very, VERY dissapointed in me. i cried for hours and then just decided to hate her. forever. and then eventually come full circle and hate everyone and everything else as well.

so i end up at the moral of the story. mrs. j: you were integral in the development of my moral fibers and core personality elements. i'm a living breathing hate machine and i *think* you fired the first shot down a long, winding road that is now my hateful, spiteful, dark, blog existence.

whose house are you haunting?

there was an eerie discovery on a drive home last week. it was dark, stormy, and cold. as i was listening to my new favorite song, i glanced into the rearview and took note of the car behind me. i don't know how much attention you pay to this sort of thing, but try to remember to look next time. you might find that it's unsettling, depending on the time of day and weather conditions. it's not going to keep you up at night or anything; it's just eerie for a minute or two while you're reflecting on the visual and then you get your damn eyes back on the road because clearly you're a bad driver who pays unusually close attention to the outdated junk in the rearview. what i found was a midsize car, nondescript, with two figures in the front seat. i can only assume that the figures are a driver and a passenger. so far so good. the weird part comes into play because it's dark in this car to begin with and then the headlights of the car behind them are casting a backlight/shadow and display the two people as if they were 2 ghostly phantoms who have commandeered a vehicle and are now cruising the OF. these are the makings of a great horror film; night, rain, slight fog, ghastly 'dementors' steering the taurus behind you... this is the stuff wes craven is made of. like i said, it's only creepy for a minute and then you get back to your new favorite song because it's soothing and mellow and driving in night rain highlights the fact that you can't see very well at this point in life because you're not 11 and either your eyesight genetics are a sad sack or you really did spend too much time sitting too close to the tv watching smurfs & snorks as a kid. damn you.

to the horface 30th b-day circle of trust (sarah, john, leah, sharda, diane) - i've only been close to that drunk a few other times in life. man it was worth it. and holy eff i love my digital camera for recording all the precious memories so i could see what happened the next day. i haven't had that much memory loss in months. i do remember herding boys into the ladies room for a spin-off party* with sharda and leah. i do NOT remember being in the men's room - for the record.

*it's midnight and you are the perfect brand of hammered with a camera in one hand and a vodka cran in the other and sharda and leah have their heads in toilets and trash receptacles. please take note of figure 1.

figure 1