she's come undun

there are a couple things on my mind that i must share with you at this time. if you are familiar with my yogurt lid issue, this is tied with that. i do not like ice-cream trucks - the old-fashioned kind that you may or may not recall from the days of your youth. i don't recall them. apparently, my neighborhood wasn't good to go. we didn't have them. now that i'm 28 and ice-cream gives me heartburn, i have them. fuck that. that's the first two-part reason why i loathe them.

second, they remind me of a sinister treat wagon that's capable of stealing children, like in chitty-chitty bang bang. i was forced to search my soul for these answers yesterday because my cousin's in town and she was over for dinner last night when the cream wagon was trolling around the gate. i expressed my idiosyncratic weirdness toward the vehicle and she didn't understand how someone could hate a van that sells door-to-door frozen creamy snacks. long story short, i had to figure this out last night.

the other topic i would like to get off my giant chest - the girl that lives behind me (sara) just tried to get me engaged to the 'single man' in the gate. here's the deal: there's a woman named valerie who lives 3 doors down. she has a brother who lives 3 streets over. his name is dave and he's single. i guess it's rare for single people to build homes so the others are on the lookout for these scenarios and ensure that the 2 single people know of them as well. which, i'm fine with. i'm up for a single-dave scenario. he has a house in my neighborhood and i know that's not too shabby for rachel. i'll keep ya posted. by the way, i had known sara for approximately 40 seconds when she came up with this idea. why is america obsessed with marriage?

oh. another thing, i have major spider fright. there are 2 more breeds of spider on my property. i discovered them today. originally, i thought i just had giant wolf spiders that have a body the size of my thumb and those long legs that have a bend (much like your traditional, black halloween spider that they all depict for my xmas, which by the way makes for good irony. halloween is my xmas but spiders scare the bejesus out of me). these 2 new guys are MUCH furrier and MUCH blacker. they also include white markings on their hourglass shaped bodies. one is a jumping spider and the other, i can't find on the internet. it's furry black with an hourglass body that has a white hourglass marking. i'm serious, they could take out a mid-sized village if they got angry enough. i think we'll be able to cohabitate if they just stay on their side. i told them about the agreement i have with spiders, that they need to stay outside or there will be a bloodbath. i know they understand what i'm telling them. they must because they are constantly in the garage and that's a grey area. see how tricky they are?

don't read me if you haven't seen it...

i can't stop watching the final 15 minutes of grey's anatomy. it moves me. i'm addicted. it begins with george asking for more time and ends with izzie and boys descending the stairs. "i hate that i'm so into you." i can't scratch the surface of alex being human and the mer/der f, which was a a total f by the way. there was nothing was soft about it. that was like, an old fashioned, raw, eff. shame on you, shonda rhimes. however, based on what she's done to me in the past year and a half, i'm now unable to live without these very 'real', fictional characters (because i live in a dreamworld). i'm up. i'm down. i'm all around. this show is like crack. i seriously can't help but hope addison finds happiness. i love 'er, but not with derek. i kinda hope it's with alex. der, he and mer need to just do this already. finn is unusually charming and a great match for her, but derek's the one. i think my happiness in life depends on their being together. guess what i do now - i think of derek's face when i'm signing into a conference call so that my voice is all smiley when i say my name because i've closed my eyes and i see derek's face. [inappropriate PAUSE] and i'd be lying if i said i wasn't concerned for next season. the mer/der/finn cliffhanger isn't my issue. it's the burke hand, izzie resignation stuff that hits me where i live. dr. hahn - agressive bad-ass female cardio-thoracic surgeon, i would totally do you. (and so would you). denny - holy crap. he proposed. she loved him. he died. gut-wrenching. i mean literally ripping me apart.

waht else. i literally sliced my thumb open on monday. it was nasty and i can't stop replaying the incident in my head. UGH. so disgusting. blood everywhere. now i'm fine. i've been wearin a lot of the sponge bob & dora band-aids so it's fine. YOU try finding regular band-aids. it's impossible.

don't thank me. thank penicillin.

happy easter everyone. i hope you enjoy the candy-filled, rainbow-egged, chocolate/peanut butter bunny goodness. i know i will. :)

on to important matters. i'm pretty sure i saw madonna at the mall on thursday night. she was in a black saab - which makes all kinds of sense if you'll recall my excellent track record for celebrity sightings in the cleveland area. she looked very kaballah-y.

i hired a lawn guy on tuesday at 1pm. he showed up that same afternoon and fertilized the lawn. this guy rules because it rained the next day and then he came back friday to cut it. my neighbor was starting to remind me of that tractor supply commercial with the immobile claymation guys on farms where one calls the other to ask if his lawn mower is broken because his grass is so tall. my neighbor kept asking. well now he can shut it. i have kenny, wonder lawn guy. he was a greenskeeper at a golf course before he started his own landscaping business. and, his name is kenny. thanks much to deb and erik. i heart kenny. my lawn is unusually green. i've also been doing other fun homeowner stuff, too - going to home depot on saturday nights and having storm doors installed. my next item of business will be landscaping. i've reached the point in my life where i can't wait to plant shrubs and pull weeds and stuff. you can't see me right now but i'm sighing disgustedly. i guess my new yard-work gloves are too cool because i can't wait to wear them. i hate you home depot. why do you have to sell so many amazing things for me to plant. blackberries are on their way. get excited. a patio is next on the list. once it's done, party at b-mansion. margaritas for everyone.

another gem from the archives. these are my pod boys. special dark, do not be alarmed. i'm not mad at you.

go zags

so what can i tell you. birds pooped on my up-high windows the other day. wtf birds. like i'm ever going to be able to clean that shit. i bought a heating pad yesterday. not a heating blanket. a heating PAD. this largely increases my senior citizen-ness. but what i cay say, it had to be done. i have an old knee injury and it was the most painful joint/muscle weather-change incident i've endured to date. so i have a heating pad. if you need to borrow that, let me know. i'll drive it over in my giant cadillac and you can maybe help me style my blue hair afterwards. i hope this gives you some indication of what my current life state resembles. to sum up - AARP, heating pad, bird poop.

ah stripes. i love ya.

you guys really need to let me post more. seriously, once a month - not acceptable. you better shape that shit up. i mean it.

i heard a story the other day about the ex of my good buddy j. the ex is b. you'll never guess what b said to her new lover over hotmail. yeah? no. 'i never knew cuddling could be so intense.' g-zus b-muffin what is your god damn problem... but i am pretty effing glad i know this. why do i know this? because it was in b's hotmail and because j is totally psychotic (and that's fine, we still love ya). we wouldn't have this morsel of sweet, sweet love talk if j wasn't such a whack job - but my favorite whack job.

now go out there and watch out for all that intense cuddling this fine night of saturday.

here's 2 more pics from the work pod archives. the first is classic special dark. he HATES this picture with all his mite so i constantly have it conveniently and publicly resurface every time he pisses me off. i'm standing there too and i have that special dark look on my face because i'm pretty sure he was looking at asian porn. the second is me and i can't really explain why i'm in such a pose. pretty sure chop shop had something to do with it.

save the seals

so hey, the easter seals date auction wasn't so bad after all. my dude is the right age (36-ish) and really rich. here's a picture of us:















ok. that's not really us. i don't have anything that i can show you yet. what else...i love my buddies that made it out to support the event (sarah, steph, meg, sharda, jace) - it meant so much to me that you were there, especially since steph won the cruise and is totally taking me to the bahamas. thanx sal. you're the best! my parents went too and i guess jace had to keep big don from interjecting herself into my mingling situations with the single boys. how neat and fun would that have been for these poor fellas, being exposed to her so quickly. she introduced herself to the guy that won me right as she got there, which is strange since i hadn't even met him yet. and of course, she thinks he's too old for me. crazy, crazy big don.

the men were few and far between. obviously there would be more girls in attendance because we're more willing to go to stuff and be open about our singles status. the guys were all over me and the reccuring theme was that i was one of the two hotties up for bid - and you know what, i can't get tired of hearing that. obviously the silver foxes took an instant liking to me but i had prepared myself for that so i was constantly rolling myself out of the coversation. plus, it's really not gonna work out if i'm taller than the guy. sorry. it just can't.

now here's the thing that i wasn't pleased to learn; this was a date raffle, not an auction as previously stated. they led me to believe that i would be auctioned off. instead, i literally had to weather the luck of the draw, which like i said, wasn't so bad. dave's kinda cute, appears to be wealthy (i mean, he did whip out his wallet so i could conveniently see his 100s), thinks i'm fan, and is in the right age window as i like 'em a little older. luckily i can say that i spoke to pretty much every guy i wanted to chat with except for 2. i just didn't get time since i was so popular... they were both nerdy-glasses types. one looked really young and the other looked 40 so i'm not losing any sleep over this.

all in all it was a nice little evening that i'm glad is finally over. i will *think* about participating next year. i mean, that's like 365 days away and i'm not one to commit.

oh no let's go

why am i so freaking obsessed with speed skating?? i will [blank] apollo ohno right now in this living room.