no more sleepy dreaming

i have a dream. it's a dream where everyone's not insane. why can't everyone just be normal? like...ideally, everyone would take the myers-briggs personality test, finish up with entirely middle-of-the-road results, and these results would be readily available on public record so you could ensure that you're not in the presence of the crazies. ok check this out:



good:

i vs e, 1% in the e direction (or i, whatever. you get the picture)

n vs s, 1% n

t vs f, 1% t

j vs p, 1% p



bad:

i vs e, 99% e

n vs s, 99% s

t vs f, 99% f

j vs p, 99% j



person 'good' is gonna be pretty okay and well-adjusted and... you should sprint very fast in the opposite direction from person 'bad'. hopefully i've been too cryptic again. and who the h 'sprints' in 2005?

get...to know me

first of all, i would like to wish everyone on the internet a very merry australia day. there was actually a very cute baby joey hopping around my cube row at work this afternoon and he scared the crap out of anita, fng, and marc. luckily, erik with a k finally stepped up and shut him down. no lie. thanx much, mr. kuuugs.



second, i'm going to copycat sarah and rattle off two ultimate cd line-ups. cd #1 is my all time favorite, all-star dance party songs starting when i was like 5 and ending up around now, so...pretty close to...6. you can shut your damn mouth.



cd #1 - greatest hit singles of danielle's young life

1 cyndi lauper - goonies 'r good enough

2 olivia newton-john - physical

3 billy ocean - get outta my dreams

4 firefall - you are the woman

5 def leppard - armageddon' it

6 elton john - nikita

7 clarence clemons and jackson browne - you're a friend of mine

8 debbie gibson - electric youth

9 (not to be confused with...) icehouse - electric blue

10 britney spears - oops i did it again

11 abba - dancing queen

12 effing genius - silver spoons theme

13 kenny loggins - all the way/caddyshack II

14 hall & oates - out of touch

15 huey lewis & his news - stuck with you

16 billy joel - allentown

17 belinda carlisle - heaven is a place on earth

18 the captain & tenille - love will keep us together

19 eddie money and ronnie spector - take me home tonight

20 divinyls - i touch myself



cd #2 - danielle's greatest 80s new-wave altern-a-tron

1 abc - look of love

2 new order - bizarre love triangle

3 a-ha - take on me

4 level 42 - lessons in love

5 toto -africa

6 oingo boingo - dead man's party

7 pretenders - don't get me wrong

8 general public - tenderness

9 wang chung - dance hall days

10 howard jones - like to get to know you well

11 thompson twins - if you were here

12 smiths - how soon is now

13 inxs - original sin

14 omd - if you leave

15 simple minds - don't you forget about me

16 nick kershaw - wouldn't it be good

17 psychedelic furs - pretty in pink

18 depeche mode - strangelove

19 thomas dolby - she blinded me with science

20 erasure - chains of love



you might consider making yourself legal copies of one or both of the above.

hor-lando, florida

so the florida crowd just called to say hi and they are obviously not drunk. they're also not freezing their asses off in all 16 degrees of cleveland, which by the way is being done very proud by ms. bachelorette. frenchy is a big gay fag and is totally not in it for you. however, i do completely agree with your strategic decision to keep him this evening as he has all the info on the boys and is very eager to dish. keep him around for the scoop. also, john paul, please put your socks back on immediately. some of us die a little every time we see that 1986 is without its barefoot-shoes look.



anyhow... attention drunks in florida: please locate an extra small sergeant buddy t-shirt and some oral-b brush-ups for me. thanx.

a little fluff

I HEART MINIATURE REESE CUPS.

firewall city

whew! i finally realized something crucial to my existence the other day. i am actually good at something that people would pay cash money for, and it's not technology or being a hor.



my co-workers are always coming up with visions of technological solutions that include web servers, ssl, and firewalls. i sit beside them in awe because usually, i have no idea what the eff they're talking about or how they were able to concoct such a thing. i pop smooth dissolve tums all day and wonder, why can't i come up with these technological visions? i'll tell you why, my friends. i actually do have visions, just never visions of the intricacies that comprise application server infrastructures. it's the mock up of a birth announcement, wedding invitation, dinner party, or newly remodeled kitchen that i envision. i see in interior and exterior paint, brick, floor plans, furniture placement, cabinets, and culinary creations. so i'm not dumb after all!! (just obviously a creative genius.) i'm finally able to breathe again because i am pretty darn good at something, but it's not the servers, firewalls, or http.



this brings me to my next run of heartburn: the thing i'm good at...not so much what i do for a living. so with that, i'm gonna go order another case of the smooth dissolve tums and hess select.

o'doyle rules

i have a few bits of standard advice i like to give people when they ask:



1 never run out of hot water if you have a starbucks

2 never eat snow, regardless of color

3 never burn bridges, real or otherwise

4 if you can't run with the big dogs, stay on the porch

5 sometimes you get the bear, sometimes the bear gets you

6 you never know who's listening

7 trust no one



ok. that should do it. 10-4.

calling all solici-hors

so if one more parent that i work with tries to sell me the garbage that their kid's school/troop/cult is peddling, i'm really gonna have to take unfortunate action. i've basically been asked to buy my last overpriced magazines, candybars, and stale, mass-produced cookies. if you see me storming up your cube row at work, your only option will be to get your checkbook out because i've got ginsu knives and mini liquers that you will be departing with at 5pm. seriously though, don't be alarmed. i'll at least have the decency to force you to buy the good, fun, razor-sharp, alcoholic, practical stuff.

poll time

better get used to this.



instead of distributing the meth in the banking circles, i think i could provide small amounts of value in other areas. i welcome your thoughts.



perhaps i could:



1 be a pastry chef

2 develop real estate

3 find a somewhat famous/rich person and be their personal assistant, or they could be totally famous/rich, whatever

4 marry one of the cute boys on the PGA tour and provide moral support when he only wins $75k in february

5 go to med school and become a pediatrician

6 go to vet school and become a veterinarian

7 manage a starbucks, or, just be a barista. no one here is picky

8 cut back my current job to part-time and actually distribute the actual meth

9 find a company that needs a full-time wine taster who has an MBA

10 start selling my eggs...i hear there's some real $$ here

11 finally try to break into marketing

12 be a hot, slutty bartender

13 become an undergraduate admissions advisor

14 learn to speak french and then teach it to like... everyone

15 see if those guys over at great lakes brewing want to start the 'small rack, brown-haired, non-twin dortmunder girl' campaign



i'm gonna need everyone on the call to review these and get back to me with some thoughts or counters before next week's status meeting. then, it would be super great if you could just update the project log that's on the share. thanks so much.

get me a gun and some duct tape

first off, i'd like to say a few words about listerine. it's like setting my mouth on fire and i hate it. second, i need to discuss the very real, very sad, single cleveland cross-section.



monday on the bachelorette, 25 mostly not hot men showed up to meet the girl from cleveland and one of them was also unfortunately from cleveland. he was one of the main offenders and made everyone at my screening really upset because he made us feel like we were essentially watching a car accident happen when he showed up. sad cross-section...cleveland is full of really fun, hot, single girls and a bunch of boring, not hot, really stupid single boys. so they put un-hot cleveland guy in front of jen and he blurts out how he's from cleveland and she is too and he can't wait to get to know her since they're both from cleveland!! yikes larry (or whatever), that is not an in. you are not her instant best friend because your one similarity is cleveland. at least fainting, i like to wear tight shirts, tall-hair guy had the decency to entertain us while he ruined his chances. anyway, if you are a single guy who does not reside in the greater cleveland area and are not boring or dumb, just know that cleveland is a diamond mine and there's more where this came from.

the greatest song ever

i never thought it was possible for one song to trump all others at any given time, but 'africa' by toto might just be that song. if you haven't already done so, get it to cd or your mp3 player and play it as loud as your ears or car speakers can handle. if you're feeling up, it makes you happier. if you're feeling down, it soothes. if you're in between, you could end up pretty much anywhere. brace yourself.



also, 'armageddon it' by def leppard is pretty effing amazing and you should say so if anyone, especially me, asks you this in an interview. if i'm interviewing you for a job and all of a sudden i throw in a curve like, "hey, what's one of the greatest songs ever made?", you should pause for a moment and then say, "hard question...but definitely 'armageddon it' by def leppard." really anything by def leppard or olivia newton-john will suffice here. don't bore me in there with 'the twist' or 'get down tonight'.

five things

i'm not really sure where my blog's format is headed but it took like three years for the characters on 'friends' to mature so cheesecakepot will undergo many personality tweaks while i wait a few days for spring. it's 30 degrees today and should hit 60 in the wednesday time frame.



now for the five randoms.



1) finally something i like about xmas - older relatives announce that their 45th high school reunion is approaching. especially uplifting when you haven't even hit your 10th. it's also entertaining when your aunt starts telling a story about 'some dumb effing b'. classic.



2) diane - she took the sweet picture of my sweet ass. who's the mufflet here? MGD is cold-filtered!! if lovin' the genuine draft is wrong, i don't wanna be right.



3) my blog nerd friends- without you i'd just be one gigantic blog nerd without visitor comments. you can't see me right now, but i'm pouring one out for my homies. you know who you are.



4) shout out - 'sup dr. hor. put $20 on red as soon as you get to MGM...then order 7 vodka tonics and dedicate the first 5 to me. you won't be able to remember who i am (or who you are for that matter) after 5.



5) sarah makes a good point - people don't inherently know how much you love or appreciate them and you never feel compelled to tell them until it's too late.

i hate xmas, too

this is my actual 'sweet ass' NEAR an actual pole. i tried to add it to my profile but it's harder to add pictures to this blog than it is to make sense of corporate america so i decided to just post it here so the internet friends in the netherlands that i don't have could see a picture of me. then i opened a bottle of cab and laughed at big don because she was making roast beef for orthodox xmas. hey, xmas sucks the first time around and then you get to re-live the magic AGAIN if you're orthodox. thanks jesus.

why i probably hate you

i hate you if you speak in quantity as opposed to quality b/c you either love the sound of your own voice or somehow lost the ability to use as much of your brain as you once could. then, you sneeze your brain damage all over the world so that we're terminally ill with it b/c it's like a really cute boy tumor that all the girl brain tissue decided it kinda liked. why does the damn girl brain tissue have to be so weak.



some minority percentage of our brain power runs the body's systems. the poor leftover majority percentage gets drunk and high. wait... for instance, people talk too much about nothing, drive like crazy a-holes only when i'm out, impatiently wait 4 seconds for instant gratification, place especially special orders at McDonald's during the lunch rush, and blame teachers for not doing a good job of raising their miscreant kids...procreation test you guys. seriously. also, if you like cats or voted opposite of me in the last election, i definitely hate you and might punch you in the neck if you come near me.



i'm eventually going to start a private island colony. the interview process will take one year and billions of your hard earned cash money. and don't be alarmed when i decline your application b/c i'm having a bad hair day or b/c you don't like cheese. i will shut your a*s down. hard.