sad stats

man i love the butts but i only come into contact with approx. .5 really nice ones every day. it's poll time, so here's a list of options that might allow me more time with the 'asses'.

1 design mens' underclothing and force every boy on the soccer team at the local university to model them for me, privately
2 petition the state for an annual, mandatory, boxer briefs only day
3 convince the hugh grant to finally come over already
4 initiate daily 'manhandling' of the guys at work (and maybe get promoted)
5 start a small 'service' business where my staff consists solely of man candy with sweet asses
6 get addidas, new balance, and skechers to add 20lbs of weight to the shoes...for fashion reasons
7 get dockers, levis, and gap to add 20lbs of weight to the pants...for fashion reasons
8 finally apply chemistry and concoct a compound that will produce a sweet ass when mixed with beer and pringles, while i wear tortoise shell-rimmed glasses and my hair in a bunn

what to do. my problems are sooo difficult.

good call, picasso

humans in general are oddly shaped. i get bored in meetings, so sometimes i zone into something even less interesting, like the shapes of ears, noses, lips, and foreheads. if you can really pull these things apart visually, you'll notice that they're comprised of unusual crevasses and curves. i'm not even talking about the irregularly/over/undersized instances either. our species, while probably very acceptable to everyone on earth, probably looks pretty crazy and strange to all other species (that probably secretly roam around undetected...). human ears are especially ugly. the shape, the size, yuck.

i urge you to inspect the human features more closely next time you're bored and obviously don't remember this post. you'll see. you'll wish you looked more like your cute little toy poodle.

can i ass you a question?

today at work, some of my team ended up having a spontaneous meeting near mac's cube. we all pull up some chairs. i grab the chair of someone we'll call 'steve' who's out on fridays. it has a tall back, so i think i'm pretty clever. i'm sitting towards the edge of the chair like i always do, leaning to the left. all of a sudden, i get a wiff of ass. when you get a wiff of ass, you usually stir a bit as if someone just passed smelling salts under your nose and to take a quick inventory of whether it's you or not. i rule me out and it seems like nothing, so i forget about it. one minute later, ass again... but like, twice the ass and the unfortunate trend continues for the next 15 minutes. it was in that third minute that i realized how much showering 'steve' does. you would never expect this guy to stink so bad either. it's always the quiet ones that reek of ass.

dammit steve. take an effing shower.

buckle your swash and jolly your roger

i think it's time for a post that no one will find confusing.

the year was 1982, the movie idea, partially clothe kristy mcnichol and christopher atkins and instruct them to prance around as giddy, lovesick, pirates on sunny beaches in australia. we'll call it, 'the pirate movie'. i can't really explain my love affair with this bit of forgotten cinematic genius, but what i can do is start a grass roots campaign to get this shit goin again. rock operas and broadway spoofs are the missing ingredients in the new millennium. where can you find a good 'phantom of the paradise' or 'tommy' in 2005? nowhere you giant a-hole!! just show me to the present day rocky horror and i'll shut my damn mouth. or, you can shut your damn mouth. i gotta go.

stop the insanity

this guy i work with told me i'm going to need approximately $16,000 right from the gates when i move into my new home in august. you muse, exactly what size is this new digital flatscreen? ha. apparently, we're speaking of one lawn and several window treatments. god help me. i'll plant my own grass and smoke it proper before i spend 16 large on two semi-important, mostly mandatory items. holy eff james jessenfenton. you can bring it.

this one time...at band camp...

brace yourself for embarrassing story number 1. there aren't very many but i'll share whenever one surfaces.

it's late junior year of undergrad and the night of my sorority's senior send-off dinner. they were pissed because obviously they had to graduate in a month and leave all the co-ed drunken fun behind. they slink home at a reasonable time. the juniors on the other hand...they decide to lockdown in one of the rooms on our dorm floor and drink until the 40 year old ceiling starts to look like it's dripping on you. let me just say, mission accomplished. my butt was fondled quite a bit by people who i actually knew but thought were strangers because i had chugged so much wine. my future dr. hor was driven home by sherman who ended up parking sideways on a hill. as in, car semi-inverted...i know, very irresponsible. anyhoo...i don't remember how i got back to my room, or when, but i did since it was like 3 doors down from the party. my roommate's in there sleeping with her boyfriend at her side. i poked them with random objects to verify their status for a bit and then went on to bed. i wake up some time after, could've been 2 minutes, no idea... i'm also really really hot and pretty sure my new job is to drink water so i leave immediately in search of the bathroom, i think. i get back after a few minutes and find that my door is locked, probably since i didn't bother to unlock it when i left so abruptly to assume my new title. i also finally look down to find that i'm not wearing much. i have on a small t-shirt and nothing else. so i start knocking on the door for what seemed like 3 minutes when my faithful roomie opens the door and rescues me. i wake up the next morning to find my side of the room in complete disarray...clothes...are...everywhere, in bed with me, on book shelves, top of the tv, all mine. after breakfast, my roomies start telling me how they heard knocking for like 30 minutes, but didn't know what it was since it was so faint. if you're keeping score, that was naked me at the door. i thought i was actually knocking but must not have been capable of much since i was probably baffled as to why i wasn't wearing clothes.

those were the days. now i rarely find myself drunk and hardly ever feel inclined to drink more than 2. i should though. a nice drunk blog is well overdue.

don't be afraid of what you can't see

my future neighbor, tno, suggested i share personal and/or embarrassing things about myself via blog. here are a few items that are particularly appropriate for the day after something giant happens.

1 i'm more than a lot afraid of commitment
2 i bought a new house yesterday
3 i couldn't actually breathe while i was signing the contract and announced it
4 i milled around home depot today for the first time ever
5 i have a small poodle/brother
6 i'm in love with the sublot the house will reside on
7 i peed my pants once in the first grade
8 i get to formally meet the house in august
9 unlike a boy, if i don't like it, i can sell it next year
10 i know karate
11 i never knew a house could make me so happy
12 i can't wait to live in it

the butts format will return at a later date because i found it to be very entertaining.

nonexistent man butts

i'm also pretty intrigued with the no-butts roaming around out there. you know the guy. it's the dude with no butt whatsoever. he has two sticks for legs that go right up into his back so his pants have no idea what to do with all that extra denim in the butt region. i always wonder, what must this butt must look like. maybe it resembles two little kidney beans? and don't get me wrong, friends. this type of butt is still pretty interesting and it has everything to do with its mysteriosity. i guess i'll just stick to jason bateman's sweet ass. literally... if possible.



i might change the name of my blog to 'i probably butt you'.

ode to the butts

i love butts. don't care who knows it. i love 'em. some favorites in no special order:



1 ryan reynolds

2 jerry o'connell (arms too)

3 dr. turk

4 pitt

5 will truman

6 george clooney

7 ricky schroeder circa 1984

8 damon

9 josh duhamel

10 a-rod

11 paul walker

12 luke wilson

13 timberlake

14 jason bateman

15 lardiss (i'll kick YOUR ass, sarah. oh, and arms)



to be fair, these are some ladies with nice asses:

1 janet jackson

2 cameron diaz

3 lorelei gilmore

4 aniston

5 crow



obviously i have forgotten some people. sue my 'ass'. hahahahahaha

hippo stays here

hippo is my niece's little, purple, plush friend that moved into big don's last night when we babysat her. holy eff!!! i have a niece!!! anyhow, my sister insisted that hippo live with us. so, i guess this is a small shout out to hippo. welcome.



unfortunately, i don't really have anything to blog about. i did not get a vasectomy. i did not go to karate. i did not buy a house yet. i did not get morning wood...thank goodness. i did however watch the first third of 'league of extraordinary gentlemen' early this morning and decided that my 60yr old aunt very much reminds me of sean connery. same face. same hair. same predilection for scotch and fighting crime in 1890.



i love mtv's 'super sweet sixteen' show. i'm not sure how my generation got skipped, but we did not get hooked on chat rooms nor did we have 'super' sweet sixteen parties. these little a-holes drive brand new SUVs while flippin their hair and talkin on their cells and... while chunky tiffany's silver drips from their wrists. the moral of the story; i feel slighted. i did not get a trip to italy and i did not get the perfect gown for said party. more importantly though, i do not get to wear gowns anymore. total bs. someone give me ideas on where i can sport overly elaborate gowns these days.