i am the registrant

it was the 7th grade. i had a very cute little man. for the sake of blogricy, we'll call him 'maury'. we had been going together for 1 entire month and for a multitude of reasons, our little relationship was way hotter than my 3-month marriage to 'bad-am' in the 6th grade, but not nearly as hot as the 'feff' sessions later that year. and don't you worry, i'll get to those.

so maury and i were really cute together. we were both preppy and always held hands between classes while obviously wearing brown penny loafers. we weren't making out a whole lot though because we weren't exhibitionists and wanted some damn privacy. i believe we were halfway through our third week together when we decided that we needed to start the 'frenching'. so, my best friend 'brary' arranged it with his best friend 'lick'. obviously. there's no way either of us were going to brooch the subject with the other since we were only in effect 'dating'. brary informs me that maury does in fact want to 'french' me. lick told her that maury was in and the deal was done. the lip-lock was set for lunchtime that day. whoa!! if you're danielle, you get all anxious-excited and start rooting through your locker and tiny liz claiborne purse for flavored lip gloss. good news, cherry cola in the house. boy was maury in for a treat. (as was danielle. that stuff tasted so effing amazing.) i should probably mention that this was not danielle's first french. she had already been doing that for like 2 months prior to maury. there was 'shmave' and 'hatt' and obviously they're not worth elaborating on. ok, so i'm getting all anxious at lunch and then i finally see lick stand up and start hauling maury over to mine and brary's table. they stop by and see if anyone wants to maybe 'stagger' a few visits out to the water fountain. and by few, i mean 4. brary and lick had to come out there too since it was the 7th grade and someone had to witness the magic. otherwise, no one would believe it. what?? also, the trips had to be staggered because 7th graders aren't allowed to travel in pairs since they could potentially be making-out somewhere. no worries there. anyhow, he goes out first and like 1 minute later, i follow. brary and lick show up soon after. SO THERE WE ARE. just the 4 of us. hangin' by the old fountain. we get the signal that the coast is clear, and we go at it. i'm thinkin’, not too shabby maury. not too shabby. then after about 11 seconds, i realize that the boy i'm kissing tastes like grape juice and ketchup and there's also a giant hint of cherry cola lip gloss too. wow. overload. the taste of maury's lunch is kinda gross, but hey, we're frenching so i pretty much ignore it. i think the interlude went on for another 30 seconds or so. the length of the kiss mattered big time in that place. 41 seconds was respectable and brary and lick definitely watched us like tiny little voyeurs but i guess that was fine. it was a very small public display and i couldn't sustain too much more since grape juice and ketchup are 2 things i have still never actually consumed on purpose. just the time maury and i made out, and that was indirect. i never imagined i would remember the maury taste. it hit me today when i caught a whiff of someone's grape juice at lunch. the memories scent conjures up are uncanny.

oh maury. i have no idea where you are today. and, i totally don't effing care.

you did your caff thing dog

it was going to be my forever secret with myself and 'we' were never going to tell anyone. i figured it was time to 'privately' discuss it in my 'diary'.

it was 4pm and my little work team was about to have a pretty serious, heavy meeting with our boss. on my way to 6i, i stopped in the bathroom for one quick, obvious reason. i go into stall 3 and line the seat with armor. i pull down my pants. i begin to descend...and that's when the unthinkable happened. my 2-way pager slides out of its worthless holder and right into the p-god and then sits there staring at me in waterlog. there's no way i'm interested in peeing anymore so i quickly assess the situation. i sort of have to pee. my pager's in the toilet swimming in the shallow end. my boss and team are waiting right outside since i'm always holding up everyone's processes. what to do. hmmm...jam your index finger and thumb into the icy depths to fish out the black plastic barbie computer and whisk it to anywhere but touching my skin. now, had it been tuesday morning, i might have just walked on out to the pager lady's desk and informed her of the tragedy, but seeing how it was after 4 on a friday and the office had tumbleweed rolling around, i knew i was out of luck and had to just suck the fat one. also, mrs. pager lady has sent me back to the bathroom to fish out pagers before. apparently they need to send the poop-ways back to the supplier for refurbishing. your phone/pager could've been in someone's feces. not mine, but i'm just saying. as one would imagine, this was pretty upsetting. you can wash your hands 3 times with enough soap to cleanse everything on guam, but it won't help. you pretty much have to suffer through the 93 minute meeting with your boss and be VERY aware of your right hand's whereabouts at ALL times. after the meeting, wash your hands 54 more times and then drown them in anitbacterial gel. then obviously go meet shop dungarees, sarah, and scott at the happy hour for a dortmunder and some bar stool porn game and then go home and shower. it's the only way to fix it.

so i had a few of the fingers on my right hand in 'clean' toilet water the other day and i haven't been the same since. i think the bottom line reads something like, 'i had my skin indirectly immersed in a lot of peoples' feces'.

free manure, rabbits, and chicks

-i think jesse mccartney's voice is suddenly going to change and ruin his cute little career. sorry small buddy.

-spring belts; i rediscovered my old friends this morning when i was getting ready for work. i was so happy to see them. how i forgot about them, i don't know.

-ear wax; i'm working on a way to permanently get rid of it. it's annoying.

-good and evil; we allow them to be personified as a futile effort to blame someone else for our actions.

-mexican fare; yeah, not so much.

like a 'twister', i was born to walk alone

the following is an IM chat that took place between shop dungarees and myself. this is an important conversation that required internet documentation so that it could be in the archives forever. i'm rachel fitzwater and he's secret eddie. i will expound on how we got our screen names...but not today.

rachel fitzwater: the kid! is hot tonite! whoa! so hot tonite! but where will he be tomorrow?
secret eddie: rock on
rachel fitzwater: i was gonna offer u 5 if u could tell me the artist
rachel fitzwater: i might still
rachel fitzwater: xm-online has renewed my work life
secret eddie: I'm at a loss
secret eddie: it's like some rockin 70's band
rachel fitzwater: or loverboy
secret eddie: I know
rachel fitzwater: you're gay
secret eddie: then you must be a dude
rachel fitzwater: totally
secret eddie: I'm gonna go pee
rachel fitzwater: good luck
secret eddie: and I'm going to see if I could spell out my whole name
secret eddie: I will let you know how it goes
(fast-forward 90 seconds)
secret eddie: I had a few drops left
secret eddie: I could have even dotted an i or something
rachel fitzwater: that was quick but disappointing
secret eddie: what were you hoping for
rachel fitzwater: that u could spell your name and then mine
secret eddie: maybe if I used a smaller font
rachel fitzwater: i'll stay hopeful

why does whitesnake think that twisters were born to walk alone? you would think they meant to say 'drifter'. crazy whitesnake guys.

hi max

hey look, it's my non-gay male poodle!!

i'm your venus

now, internet, i love when the weather starts getting sunny and nice as much as the next guy, but why does it always have to drag the smell of ass along with it? in my mind, i picture spring weather depicted by linus, and ass is his tattered light blue blanket that he insists on dragging all over the world. the warmer wind starts blowing, and just rustles up all the stink you could possibly imagine. i think more people should welcome the new spring season with a nice big shower. bathe it up man. lever 2000 all your parts, then maybe repeat. maybe also wash all your clothing and make it a fun, regular activity for yourself. with this newfound clean streak, i won't have to smell ass anymore. luckily, it's not me. i don't smell like ass because every time i smell it, i check to make sure it's not me. if it were me, i would need to go get a massive refund from bath and body works. i'm just saying, let's start a shower revolution. eventually, we'll be so comfortable with bathing that we'll be showering together in groups regularly. you'll be in the parking lot at the grocery store loading your trunk with sourdough nibblers and you'll hear, 'hey matt, let's go play in the shower', and it will be like it's normal for you. don't disappoint me. get this campaign goin.

tina yothers = not dead. she was totally in the car behind me today in traffic. she drives a sunfire/cavalier that's like that burnt orange/rust color. why is she in ohio. huh.

step 3 - it's just you and me

i'm pretty much expecting houston to call looking for their $.65 that they didn't think i already gave them in the automated 'futuristic' toll booth yesterday. apparently it was asking for 5 quarters and i gave it my special blend of nickels, dimes, and quarters. needless to say, it got all pissed and started flashing $.65 at me in a totally mean way. i hung there for a minute and marc and i freaked out a little, and then we pressed the red button and the gate opened, so we gassed it. i mean seriously, you would've done the same thing. that toll booth deserved to die a slow nitrogenous death. what?

tex-ass

this place is killing me. i'm not in the mood to form real sentences and it can entirely be attributed to the 17 vodka tonics i drank last night. here's a list of all the random good and bad situations on this trip so far.

-marc's wife, she knows her way around the internet and saved our asses a lot so far
-best pad thai in houston = pang tai bistro. man i love u guys
-sherlock's pub, qaint little comfy chair/mahogany lined bar with not nearly enough old, drunk texas people all makin out with each other
-hey, national car rental, u can suck it. check for nearly dead batteries so i don't get effed when i'm tryin to get to class
-and make me take a cab to starbux to get the caff

houston report 1

houston sucks my ass. it's just like cleveland except... the same. cloudy and i still have to work while i'm here. also, wm training people, if you want customers to come train with you in houston, try bringing the airport an hour closer to the facilities and don't make me pay $75 in tolls to get there in the middle of the effing night. i hate u training manager guy. game off. the only thing that makes you all redeemed is the starbux that's 10 feet from my hotel. game totally back on.