what brown can do for me

i thought i would share some findings regarding the countless varieties of 'brown liquor'. here is how it tastes:

• chivas - tastes like wood soaked in motor oil
• dewars - tastes like wood soaked in motor oil
• cutty sark - see above
• jb - just don't.
• knob creek - tastes like wood soaked in fire
• makers mark - tastes like wood soaked in charcoal
• buffalo trace - tastes like wood soaked in charcoal with pepper and fire - it bites you back
• jameson - tastes like what i believe an irish person soaked in a cheap barrel would taste like
• crown royal - tastes like what i believe a canadian soaked in a cheap barrel would taste like
• crown royal special reserve - this is just way too smooth. i mean really.
• a really old midleton - wow. ridiculous. this is just, not fair to anyone.
• tullamore dew - you might as well just drink jameson
• bushmills - see above
• jim beam black - this guy's your buddy. invite him in. maybe have a sleepover.
• jim beam white - only if you're in a pinch
• jim beam green - don't bother
• woodford reserve - a step above maker's mark. i highly recommend it.
• gentleman jack - not so much
• jack daniel black - whatever
• jack single barrel - mah
• johnny walker anything - takes me right back to the first few on this list. something to do with motor oil comes to mind.
• basil hayden's - i can't speak ill of this. for some obvious reasons that are only obvious to some.
• black velvet - ugh. please don't. but if you even try to put diet sprite in this for me, i'll chop your hand off.
  
• macallen's - this can be a pretty easy one to take. "can be."
• glenlivet/glenfiddich - "scotch". you really have to like scotch.

if anyone disagrees with my findings, you're wrong. ok bye.

nugget

it should come as no surprise that i'm somewhat left and support most things that go along with it. wait. i think i support all things left. yes. i do. so, i'm not trying to start a debate or anything with anyone who may be currently online, (which they would lose anyway since this is my blog and i win at everything here) but i do have a nugget. thanks, left-ist friend that sent it. i think it's a lot of good fun for a thursday.

jimmy doors and match kooks

hopefully that title gets me into some strange google search results.

how do i get in touch with jimmy kimmel? i think he and i could really do some damage. i don't know what that means. all i know is that i just read his iTunes playlist and i just think we should know each other. let me know if you know how i can get in touch with him. we have the same birthday if it helps. he may want to marry me. i don't know.

also, people need to learn how to use and understand double doors. i was walking into a store yesterday and there was a girl in front of me. as we were about to enter the store, another woman was on her way out through the door on the left. the girl in front of me just stood in front of the door on the right as though it were a brick wall. instead of using door on the right, we stood there and waited for the woman to stop using door on the left. on my way out of the store, i used door on the right just to ensure it worked. it did. i'm putting this little story out there so that one day someone who does not understand how to use double doors maybe reads it and has an epiphany. quit ignoring the other highly efficient door.

is someone allowed to put you on match.com without your permission? if there are any legal types out there, please let me know what course of action i may have.

i can't stop listening to the kooks. it's like the cure and blur and the killers and coldplay and the ramones. sort of.

the shortest distance between 2 points

apparently goes a little something like this:












if you're someone, or perhaps something of importance from new york state and you're on your way to me in cleveland, ohio, you should first stop in new jersey to see how those guys are doing. clearly.

once you're satisfied that they're just fine, head down to west virginia because it's probably been ages since you engaged in some of whatever they happen to be doing there now... i don't know what that means.

then, instead of crossing the border directly into my state, i recommend you first go to pennsylvania. you were really close to the state of ohio, but it would probably make more sense to divert and ensure that you saw just as many states as you possibly could before finally setting foot in good old o-h.

yeah, this sounds good. this is exactly how i would do it. i think the drive from somewhere in west virginia to somewhere in pennsylvania is probably a little more interesting than what it would be like to drive from the bottom of ohio to the top. that's not the greatest road trip trail you could blaze. trust me.

my brain hurts

ok so sarah's blog made me do this. i guess steph sent it to her and then she posted it on oks and now i'm here with my track listing for the soundtrack of my life. not an easy task, my friends. not an easy task. and since i always do what i do, i added a few because i felt that they were imperative in a listing of songs that describe the story of one's life.

opening credits: mother mary - foxboro hottubs
while this song has nothing to do with me or my life, it's catchy and i think its meaning would confuse - which is always on my agenda, so, it works.

waking up: i understand what you want but i just don't agree - the sleepy jackson

average day: a million ways - ok go
these lyrics are just confusing. there's also something to do with being cruel.

first date: crush - jennifer paige
i must have listened to this song 300,000 times when it first came out. or, yesterday. i can't remember which it was because i'm so busy.

falling in love: closer to you - young love

love scene: #1 crush - garbage
when i hear this song, i almost feel like i shouldn't be listening to it because it just sounds really dirty. and i'm not talkin lyrics. i mean, who can even focus on the lyrics. well, i mean, you should. because they're edgy. and scary.

fight scene: head like a hole - nine inch nails
i'd rather die than give you control.

breaking up: say it right - nelly furtado

getting back together: walking after you - foo fighters

secret love: take my breath away - berlin
i'm not sure if this is about secret love or not but let's go with it.

life's okay: lovin each day - ronan keating

mental breakdown: seether - veruca salt
well she is not born like other girls, but i know how to conceive her...

driving: say you love me - fleetwood mac

learning a lesson: light in your eyes - sheryl crow

deep thought: destination vertical - masha qrella
i constantly get lost in this one.

flashback: you're a friend of mine - clarence clemons ft. jackson browne

partying: mixed bizness - beck

scene where we do coke in a big old house at night: dead and bloated - stone temple pilots
now, not that this necessarily describes my life, per se, it's just usually a scene in 90s movies where teen girls start experimenting with older, dangerous boys.

happy dance: dancing in heaven - q-feel
just so we're clear, this IS the song from the dtv finals in one of SJP's earlier showpieces with helen hunt and shannen d, girls just want to have fun.

regretting: heart of stone - erasure

(de?)motivational montage: fallen angel - poison
this was not on the original listing, but it needed to be.

frolicking in the park: like the weather - 10,000 maniacs
obviously this one needed to be added. hello.

sailing: better together - jack johnson
i bet you thought this was going to be sailing by christopher cross. well, you can't listen to sailing while sailing. you listen to it when you're not to remind you to get to the boat asap so you can sail and listen to jack johnson and drink beer in cans.

long night alone: nowhere and everywhere - michelle lewis

death scene: i miss you - blink 182

going home again: wonderful - adam ant
because whoever didn't die above is going to want to go home and visit some old friends and family due to the recent loss they've suffered that has caused them to go into a highly reflective and nostalgic phase...

closing credits: waiting for love - alias
this is just *so* closing credits.

i feel as though i'll need to make another movie. judging by this, i think i'm really good at making movies.

pool me

since i don't think of these things when i'm in the presence of people, this will be a public service announcement for those i either went to college with, lived with for one glorious year, worked alongside, dated as a married couple, married on the island of pib for a weekend where firefall's 'you are the woman' was our wedding song, told you that you should bang marty party first chance you get, witnessed you go from zero to relationship in 4 seconds at the wine fest with whats her name, drank "acceptable" quantities of wine with recently, drank "acceptable" quantities of wine with a long time ago, drank "acceptable" quantities of wine with tomorrow, or next saturday. whatever. what i'm trying to say here is that whenever you'd like to enjoy the gate's tremendous pool, just give me a ring. i'm always up for a trip to the clubhouse where the annoying americans drag their kids a plenty with unsafe pool habits to be loud and obnoxious. bring an ipod and/or "water" in a plastic water bottle that you'll never figure out how to recycle. talk to you soon.

what else...

i have random thoughts that need to be dropped somewhere so i can move on with my other random thoughts. you're like me so you know how it is.

• if you/your community recycle in weekly trash removal, something to note with regard to bottles, etc. if you drink a bottle of water and then toss the plastic remains into your recycle bin when done, it won't get recycled unless you remove the cap and discard with the regular trash. there you were thinking you were doing a tiny bit of good. not so much. remove those caps.
  

• another thing with regard to recycling and the environment - if you take your car through a laserwash or other type of organized carwash, the water gets reclaimed so you aren't completely and totally wasting resources. if you wash it in your driveway where the water surely just dries up or eventually drains to the sewer, you are slowly helping to deplete the strength of our ecosystem. thanks so much.

• 'my boyfriend's back' is a really unsettling and sort of terrifying comedy from 1993. the dude comes back from the grave, goes right back to school, and then tries to eat his friends because apparently that's what zombies do.
  
  
• i'm kind of newly obsessed with dragon sailboats. i mean, would you look at how sleek and beautiful? and what's more, they usually have a furling jib. sigh.
  
  
• three extremely new and popular songs are stuck in my head: 'i'll be your shelter' - miss taylor dayne, 'blame it on the rain' - those crazy little milli vanilli's, 'amie' - peter's prairie party... or something
  

• it's awkward when someone you hardly know/barely just met for real tells you it's all or nothing, now or never and then kind of storms off sort of mad when you stick to your guns on being the boss of you. what? maybe work on your delivery.
  

• pretty much everyone i know hates grapefruit and all that pertains to it. so... i thought i'd mention that finlandia makes an excellent grapefruit vodka (better than ruby red absolut) that you can mix with your secret ingredients when making a fun little batch of my special july surprise.

• i have a fever and the only cure is more creamy horseradish sauce on literally everything i can find.

ok. that should do it. good talk.

effing a

i was again seriously interested in telling you about angel hair pilot tonight and his, well, angel hair, but tim russert died so i must now dive into that. he was probably just living his life, and then an hour later, he just wasn't. i don't have to tell you about my life changing caribbean sailing experience from last month. it's two posts down and changed my life forever. this is another life altering situation in very close proximity to the other. it sucks, but that's what happens. so, you better live like you mean it. and i mean that, sister.

so tim russert died. how does that relate to me and you. it all comes down to one minute you're living and the next, you're not. you're just not. tim had a special place in my heart. may he rest in peace.

tim's news knocked the wind out of me. my sunday mornings have been spent with tim for as along as i can remember. now what. now it all changes because life stepped in and did something it does all the time. it deals you the craziest cards when you're in a place where it's highly unlikely that you're ready for them. and from experience, most of the time, you weren't ready and there's no way you would've ever asked for them.

ok, so life stepped in on 6/13/2008. it made us uncomfortable - not only the russert family, but i would have to imagine, most of the world. but you know what? we all have a say in it.

when you die, it won't matter to you anymore. you'll be dead. however, your passing will rock the cores of many a people and for some, their lives will never be the same when you go. if nothing else in your years, this is one of the greatest realizations you should ever make. you may or may not know it, but you are touching lives. you may be doing good or you may be doing evil. you're the one who knows and either way, it's fine with me. but one day, those lives will be without you. and, hopefully you left a lasting mark on the world. if you didn't, it's unfortunate because your time on earth was relatively short-lived and it won't matter to anyone if it was for not (probably not even you while you were here).

if that doesn't make you uncomfortable, you're all set. ignore me. ignore a lot of things. if it does affect you, get off your pot and start doing what you think you need to do in life. do it for you. know that when you do it for you, the world will somehow become more rich and powerful because you made it that way while you were you living in it.

life's too short. make your footprint count. i can't believe tim russert's gone.

basement racquetball tennis pong

it might have been interesting to tell you about the angel hair pilot this evening, but i think i'll save him for another night. tonight, i will tell you about basement racquetball tennis pong. it's sweeping the nation. and i mean that literally. well no. i mean, it's only really happening in my basement as far as i know.

here's what happens in brtp: you get a tennis racquet and a little rubber racquetball ball and an unfinished basement. and bourbon. and perhaps loud music from the kitchen at the top of the stairs. then, you hit the ball against the wall with a tennis racquet but with that initial racquetball bounce so that the ball doesn't go like 100 yards and end up getting lodged underneath like, the metal wolf spider basement shelving. those crazy guys like to hide under that thing. i don't actually know that this is true though because in three years, i've only seen one wolf spider by this metal shelving. anything's possible. but back to the game, you want the ball to bounce before it hits the wall and then you just keep the volley going while you think and drink and jam to your favorite 70s, 70s, and 70s tunes.

what else.. as far as rules go, the only rule is that you just constantly make up rules to account for whatever just happened in the "game". like, if you're lucky and the ball bounces back to you after arching through/over the red metal beam, you totally win. conversely, if the ball hits the red beam on the way back and goes back into the wall instead of coming back to you, that's it. you lose. if you let the ball bounce like 3 times before hitting it back to the wall, nice. 5 points. if you switch to being a lefty (or righty if you're a lefty) you get 2 extra points. and really, so on and so forth. like i said, you just keep making up rules so that if you're ever playing with someone else, which is never, no one can win. similarly, if you're playing against yourself, you will probably win. i've actually lost to myself before so it's really hard to say what you can expect here.

so, brtp. my gift to you. stay inside this 2008 summer and enjoy your cold, cold basement.

i'm doing it wrong

i'm certainly not doing it right - that's for sure. thanks much, anonymous commenter, for kindly reminding me how blogs work. you are supposed to add posts one by one. you are not a-sposed to remove them, one by one. i'll try to remember this going forward. i just get confused sometimes. wait. no. i don't. i took that last post down because it had become meaningless. truthfully, it was meaningless when i posted it. however, i have now basically done something to counter it in my life so i took it down because i wanted to post something regarding a similar topic that has far more meaning at this point. get. ex. cited.

so guess what. i rule. i've said it before, and i'm sayin' it again. i rule. and, i'm more than happy to esplain why in this very post. but first, i would like to say a few words about some other things because i think it's important to veer off topic from time to time because then i can ensure that people have no idea what i'm talking about or why or if i'm even still talking about the same thing or something different or what. i think it's important to create a spaghetti tangle in whatever you do in life. this applies to conversation, relationships, cables behind your giant hd tv, corporate america, etc. just whatever you do, make sure it's confusing enough that no one person can come in and figure it all out and cause everything to be easily understood and clear. i mean, that would just be ridiculous. so next time you find yourself in life, try to tangle it all up and cause peoples' brains to fart. do it for me. haha. i just wrote fart. i bet you're thinking about farts now. you're weird.

ok, why do i rule so much. well, it all comes down to me being 30. and awesome. i pretty much decided to take myself sailing in the caribbean this past week. because i could. i just got back and to be more honest than i've ever been in life, it was the greatest thing i've ever done. at first, i was a little anxious about going to a tropical island by myself, but i forged ahead because some crazy strong unknown force was pulling me down there. all i knew was that i had to go. i had to go if i ever wanted to live my life effectively again. and you know what? i've been talking about either moving to a tropical island or sailing in the caribbean since high school. and, you wanna know what else? i realized that i hadn't really sailed in the caribbean and obviously didn't live on a tropical island. so, sort of last minute, i booked a flight, hotel, and sailing. it was a short holiday week so it worked out sort of perfectly.

well guess what. i figured it all out while i was down there. i literally mean everything. i've never been more sure of anything. this is why it was the greatest thing i've ever done. i guess the sailing in the caribbean part might have helped me to relax and be able to think more clearly... if you've never been, please promise yourself to go eventually. i can't think of anything else like it - you in your shorts and bikini top, sunscreen, shades, ice-cold presidente in hand, cutting through the indigo blue water with the wind in your hair, a smile on your face. and if you use that sunscreen appropriately, look forward to the best tan you've ever had in your life.

now, clearly that can't be the end of the greatest week of my entire life. while i was there sailing by myself with a totally amazing crew, i met 'vacation friends'. believe it or not, i wasn't the only lone 30-something in the tropics who was escaping from life. there were two others and we found each other on this magical sailboat. it was there that i met dr. 'a' and ms. 'e'. we bonded almost instantly and then within hours, had decided to become travel friends. so, not only did i figure out my entire life while sailing in one of the most beautiful places on earth, i had also met at least one ridiculously awesome person every single day. ridiculous.

so that's why i removed the old post. looking back, it was really just a placeholder for the greatness to come. the previous trip was with family and wasn't the greatest thing ever. while i was there though, i did find the islands to be very much to my liking. i normally dislike other cities/towns/etc, but even amid the travel and family, i had decided that i was pretty sure i loved this place. and, this newfound love affair i have with islands is definitely a topic for another deep (and lengthy) discussion.

and on good friday no less

i'm gonna say probably yes. you guys. you're terrible.

oh, silly IT guys

when I.T. guys refer to their respective teams as "the dark side", i just laugh to myself because there's no IT dark side. if we were living in the show "charmed", there would obviously be a dark side and we would obviously be the power of three fighting it. but much to my dismay, we're not. man i wish we were living in that show though. seriously. so anyway, IT teams aren't dark. if by dark you mean, lazy and difficult, then by all means. "dark" it is.

with IT, it's funny to me because a lot of these people actually believe their team is somehow dark or perhaps cool and that's why they say dark because it would completely negate the cool if they labeled it as such. most people can't say that they think they're cool and get away with it. (some people can. if you're them, call me. we should hang.) whenever i hear someone referencing this "dark" team, i liken it to two people mildly debating something really inconsequential. take bagels for example - if i start talking to you about the different types of bagels and we realize that you always go for whole grain ones and i always go for poppyseed ones, but then one day we're having bagels and you decide to discard your whole grain routine and hard left into a poppyseed one... whoa! welcome to the dark side, my friend!

i think that's precisely what i would say. and believe to be true. because bagels are a dark subject. and by dark, i don't think i mean cool. bagels aren't really that cool when you think about it. they're just yet another thing for us to warm and rub salted butter all over. wait. hold on a second here. why did you just let me take this there. geez. if i have to police myself, obviously the police will end up in my kitchen, drunk, perhaps high, rocking a pair of giant black wrap-around britney sunglasses, dancing to melissa manchester's greatest hits in ways they wouldn't want captured on photo and posted somewhere very, very public.

your new kicks are blinding me

i've got something really important to discuss here. i don't know how much i have to say on the matter so, whatever. in true seinfeld fashion, people in airports wearing brand new shoes, what. is. the. deal. i've been noticing that nearly all of the non-business travelers in airports are doing it and i can't make any sense of the scenario.

when you fly somewhere for business or leisure, you have to account for 2 hours prior to the flight, the duration of the flight, and then another potential 90 - 120 minutes after for good logistical measure. and don't forget about delays. your effing plane could be coming from or heading to o'hare. in addition to the time commitment, you must also figure that there will be walking. and when i say walking, i mean it sister. you'll potentially walk like it's your last day of walking. ever. there can only be a handful of golden-oldies strapped to that giant, geriatric, continental golf cart. and realistically, you're probably not going to be one of them.

so why, given what you know of the duration of time you'll be on your precious feet, would you wear brand new shoes? shoes that you don't know and shoes that you don't trust. they're not old pals. you don't know what they're capable of. if you don't know why i'm even asking because your analysis of the situation leads you to thoughts of instant comfort, then i guess you're not wearing cool shoes. and if you're not, that's ok. not everyone can be like me. i'm pretty sure these young baggy pants guys, girls of all ages, their moms, and grandma-types are planning to depart for their cute little trips and say "hey, you know what would be fun? if i went out and got new shoes for the trip! yay!". i think that's what's running through their pretty little minds.

i also have another theory... but of course. a lot of the time i see new sneakers. obviously sneakers make good sense for walking-intensive travel. however, if you had to go out and buy sneakers for the trip because you didn't have any to begin with, well, that just tells me that america probably should be overweight. if you didn't have the sneakers, you haven't been exercising and that's why america is so fat. now that i've conjectured all over this post, i think that's pretty much what's happening. america is fat and lazy so obviously all people in airports are wearing brand new shoes. really pretty obvious. you should've stopped me back at golden-oldies.

if the guy in the cube next door doesn't quit adjusting his sinus cavity, i'm going to get physical. and not in a good way.

some advice

never let anyone get this bad a picture of you.








eeeeeee.

military alphabet

recently i decided to ensure i knew the military alphabet words. i mean, you never know when you're gonna need them. and since i care about people so much (you), i thought it would be helpful if i provided them here as your easy reference. no need to thank me. i know how much you appreciate it. x-ray, oscar. x-ray, oscar.

A: Alpha
B: Bravo
C: Charlie
D: Delta
E: Echo
F: Foxtrot
G: Golf
H: Hotel
I: India
J: Juliet
K: Kilo
L: Lima
M: Mike
N: November
O: Oscar
P: Papa
Q: Quebec
R: Romeo
S: Sierra
T: Tango
U: Uniform
V: Victor
W: Whiskey
X: X-Ray
Y: Yankee
Z: Zulu

real quick

i don't know why everyone's afraid to just say it. so... me being the straight shooter that i am will help us out right here and now. we're in a recession. call it a day on all the fancy footwork. we're there.

on the subject of dogs boating, i like it. please watch the video in the link i'm providing. click on 'play commercial' in the top right. i'm pretty sure it will take you to the banner with the dog. if not, close out and try again until you see the dog. and don't get all "i'm too busy to click and close". you're not busy. you're here. i bet you should probably be focused on work or something right now but you're reading blogs instead. do what i say. i'm in charge.

if after you view said commercial, you find that it does not warm your heart, you're dead inside. go stand by fires and put them out with your ice cold heart.

ok. kisses.

http://www.discoverboating.com//

(or just be lazy and click this - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B0huSamSeys)

why i think guitar hero is cool

i don't really have anything to say today. the purpose of me being here right now is to see just how much i can write without having anything to write about. this is probably going to turn into something reminiscent of a standardized test "surprise" topic writing sample. let's have a go.

guitar hero is a great game. there's all kinds of guitar hero too, not just one that they force you to play with. there's like four. i chose the 80s encore edition because i have a fever, and the only cure is 80s music.

when you're playing guitar hero 80s encore, it's like you're really playing the guitar. it makes you feel bad ass because you get to rock out to some sweet 80s songs. i mean, it's not all bananas and dancing with toothbrushes, though. there's like 30 songs and they're not all totally sweet. like, the oingo boingo song "only a lad", that's not so great. or, "wrathchild" by some band i can't recall right now. maybe it's iron maiden. anyway, i was trying to say that it's not perfection. there's no def leppard and there's no bangles. one or both of these bands in the set list would bring us closer to living in a giant white bowl of red guitar hero cherries.

guitar hero is a fun game for kids of all ages. did you see what i did there? first sentence was like 4th grade summation line in support of my argument, my totally b*tchin' argument for guitar hero 80s encore. this is my 4th grade writing sample so i'm allowed to write about video games. also, i'm like 3x the age of a 4th grader so i'm therefore authorized to use words like 'b*tchin' as well.

i don't know if you have guitar hero in your possession, but if you do, you should always always be playing it. i'm only taking a break right now so that i can ensure you know the importance of the game. in life. seriously. stop reading this and go make guitar hero happen in your life. you'll thank me. if you are not sure how to go about doing this, one thing i can highly recommend is "friday night guitar hero wine party".

if you are not in possession of guitar hero, we should probably schedule a conference with your parents to discuss your recent performance in this classroom. not pretty, my friend. not pretty.

when life drops 150,000 lemons on your head, make lemon beverages

i'm currently working for a place, while i'm working for a place. it's like two jobs in one. you should hold back your excitement and hide your jealousy because i'm not in the mood to pretend to be modest. not everyone can do what i do for the purposes of the corporate hor business world. i'm almost single-handedly making the world go 'round. what did you do today?

no ok. i'm kidding, you guys. i stalk developers in india just before they leave after working at least 12 hours and then i fill out a bunch of spreadsheets with the stuff they told me they had done during the day to pretty much get me to let them alone so they can go home. after i finish filling in the spreadsheets, i read the mail. the mail contains a lot of people talking to themselves and raising both rhetorical issues and questions that no one can or will ever answer or ever be able to or even want to. it's just a good way to jam up the system so no one has any idea what anyone is talking about or trying to do. fine.

what was the point. the point was that i do all this for you. i feel compelled to propel the business climate back into the black. we're obviously in a recession and i'm here to tell you that i will do my best to help us out of it, spreadsheets in hand, because clearly, i could do this all by myself. and clearly, i enjoy punctuation.

now while i'm dong all this selfless activity for you, i may tend to get really bored. i know - how could that be. just now for instance, i was thinking of ways to amuse myself until perhaps 11pm (my time) when i get to leave the work camp. i'm in another time zone and that's neither here nor there, but definitely part of this fascinating equation. here's what i came up with for things i could do to pass eternity:

• go do rounds on all the floors wearin my white on white sneakers and high-rise jeans cuz there's a bunch of floors and i could be like a mall walker who rounds them... except, not
  
• drink one of the abundantly free pop/sodas. i don't drink pop, but i may start today
• take my laptop and go sit in a cube with another person. it's pretty common here. i wonder what the guy would do if i sat down in his cube where some other guy usually sits. along with him. because we sit 2 to a cube... i'll be honest. i miss michael when he's not there.
  
• think up new ways to terrorize my boss. from every possible time zone. trust me, there's a lot.
• try to imagine what crazy shenanigan ellen's gotten herself into on the show today. she's so crazy. that one.
• read the blogs. wait. i already did that.
• call my mom. wait. i already did that.
• call my dad. wait. i already did that.
• call my sister. wait...
• figure out what to ask maureen dowd if we ever finally get to have drinks
  

so when i say 'make lemon beverages', i mean drink bourbon/vodka/whiskey/gin/rum/tequila and hold the rocks. and don't drink them together like that sentence makes it seem. you could die. i mean, maybe you want that. i don't know. don't die though. talk to you later.

here's to vegetables

i think... it's time... that i made everyone really sick to their stomachs. i mean, when do i ever do that? seriously. never. i don't even want to hear you telling me that i'm gross because in reality, i'm not gross. you're probably way more gross. i'm just the messenger and you are not supposed to be mad at me. that's the law. don't hate the player.

i read something disgusting today and whenever i read or see or hear something disgusting, i try to pass it on to, well, anyone, because it's like a song that gets stuck in your head - you have to pass it on because energy in motion tends to stay in motion and you, fine reader, are going to be the recipient of the unusually disgusting energy that i've captured. otherwise, i could leave you with these lyrics: benny! benny! benny! b-b-b-benny and the jets! (it's really up to you.)

so, be a good kid and click on the link and accept that i'm cramming really bad tasting goop down your poor little throat.

good luck with this. god speed.

ask and you shall receive

so i was hanging around this liquor and wine store a few nights ago. i know. i know. what would a nice girl like me be doing in a place like that. i think the only logical explanation is that i'm trouble with a capital t, which i won't actually use here since we all know why. anyway, an interesting scenario unfolded before my very eyes during this liquor store excursion and since it's 2008 and i'm kinda bored, i have decided to share the tale of 'crazy liquor store man' with all of you.

i parked my decent rental car and headed inside to locate our old new friend, jim beam black. as i was carefully treading/holding my over sized belt-less pants up while crossing the ice sheet/parking lot, i heard a bit of a commotion to my left. you may or may not know this about me, but i don't react to commotions or bells or beeps or whistles or anything like that. i continued on.

now, when the commotion starts to reach "levels", obviously i'm going to become more and more curious and probably sneak a peak. luckily for me, and you, the man at the root of the commotion was highly animated, highly obnoxious, and was clutching a small brown wiener dog, football style. i had no choice but to watch his route as he shouted profanities whilst marching into oncoming cars, across a sheet of parking lot ice. 'crazy liquor store man' (or clm) stepped in front of a red solara and shouted at the driver to stop. i believe it was something like, "you will stop! i am a pedestrian! i have the right of way! this is bullsh*t!". he continued on as i stayed back to create a buffer between myself and the crazy. this is when i noticed that he was entering the store i was planning to enter. so i thought to myself, "maybe i should abort. the last thing i need is to get held up at gunpoint while i'm out of town." then i thought, "he's clutching a small dog. there's no way this could go south. proceed."

i walk into the store to find him chastising the two middle-aged women running it. they are not surprised nor upset by his presence. in fact, this is their second encounter with him on the night. he's shouting stuff and things regarding this being his second trip and having to drive all the way down here again, blah, blah, i hate you, you're horrible at your job, xyz, my girl didn't do "nothing" wrong... he was belligerent and clearly a zealot. the women dismissed him and asked him to never return, ever, again. i believe the one said, "you're 86'd. don't ever come back." he flew out the door, dog in arm, and disappeared into the night.

when i walked up to pay for my friend, the ladies felt it necessary to debrief me on the experience we had just shared. clm had been in earlier with a chick. she did not have id. everyone must have id to enter the store. they asked clm and chick to leave. they were pissed. later, clm's *wife* shows up to make the purchase that is apparently for clm and his gf, who may or may not have been underage. later still, clm shows up again with small brown wiener dog to publicly berate employees.

so that's what i have for you. it's not much and you may disagree with me when i say that it was pretty exciting for a tuesday night, but i'm blogging and that's what's really important here. all i know is that i must be missing large chunks of the saga because i do not see why one would feel compelled to grab the dog and haul it "all the way back down to the gd liquor store" for the purposes of a negatively charged outburst regarding both your wife and girlfriend's alcohol needs. let me know if you have ideas on ways to fill in the blanks here. my crazy liquor store man is your crazy liquor store man.

and another thing - vodka left me karen walker-y. beer left me full and without buzz. wine turned my teeth blue and gave me heartburn. but bourbon and blended scotch whiskey, well they appear to just make me a more playful, content shade of... me. might be worth a look. discuss amongst yourselves.

it's like a prison break over here

i have finally reached the point where twitter just isn't getting the job done on its own anymore. i need to be more verbose and luxuriate in my words, here, all over our internet connections. how lucky for you to get lumped into this with me. i feel the need for word vomit - don't be grossed out. last time i checked, word vomit was the best kind to have all over you.

i want to say things like artful dodger, annette funicello, gibson les paul, frosty the snowman, and gorgonzola, simply because i can and don't have to concern myself with being confined to a measley cell that's 140 characters wide. mary poppins. orange juice. axl rose. there, i just wasted space with literally nothing and it felt amazing. seriously. it feels like i just broke out of a really cute, witty, fun, tiny prison. whew. david bowie. belgium. this is fantastic. the fresh air is excellent out here, my friends. let's drink it in together. mmmmm. wait, top mine off with some bourbon. ok. now i'm ready.

deep breaths. go.