finally

finally. a movie has exposed me to the magic of jude law. finally. i could never understand what all the jude law fuss was about until a few hours ago. before today he was this limey, sort of greasy actor that was sort of ok at his art. but now, i mean, he's just so steamy in this. i can't explain it. you'll see. mind boggling. if you're not on jude law's bandwagon, you might be after you see this movie. just trust me.

big don and i saw 'the holiday' and i urge you to do the same while it's still in theatres. it was the happiest little film i've seen in a very long time and i should not have been so surprised because it is yet another of nancy meyers works of art. it's about two successful women who are well-to-do otherwise, but unlucky in their most recent loves. it's simply this; they swap houses for the xmas holiday and then warmth and goodness continuously unfold before your eyes. it's profoundly happy and i cried many a tear of joy. seriously. go see it.

nancy meyers talent lies in her ability to craft a film in such a way that it instantly invites you in and wraps you up in a giant blanket of fluffy, warm, ultra soft, pink cashmere. when the credits start to roll, you just want to continue to sit in the theatre until the reel is completely sure that the movie is over. and even then, you don't want to leave your seat because you just know that the real world is outside waiting to pick you up in its old, cold, rusty, brown station wagon.

women, you must go see this picture because you are women and i said so. it should be the law for us to have to watch this movie like at least once a month. men, most of you must go see this picture because you probably need to learn a few things from the boys in the movie, especially if you are an a-hole. maybe you'll stop being so much of an a-hole after you see this show. i don't know. give it a whirl.

i can't say enough about this movie, readers. heart-warming i tell you. truly heart-warming!!

and if i don't talk to you before the big night, have a happy new year! let's get the h out of 2006 already.

1985

due to this being a timely little vacation from work week, i've been catching up on my 80s films. out of sheer attention for odd details, i started noticing a pattern. i found that most of our cinematic gold from the 80s sprung from none other than 1985. since it was early in the day and my liver was on a timeout, i compiled a list and then cross-checked with imdb. you can thank 1985 for the nuggets of pure entertainment below. you can thank me for taking time out of my busy life to display them in a list. obviously it's incomplete, but it's an excellent sampling that helps to prove my case for just how hard 1985 rocked your asses.

girls just want to have fun
real genius
the sure thing
teen wolf
secret admirer
just one of the guys
breakfast club
st elmo's fire
better off dead
gotcha!
spies like us
the goonies
weird science
volunteers
brewsters millions
back to the future
poison ivy (tv gold)
national lampoon's european vacation
transylvania 6-5000
fraternity vacation
fletch
the man with one red shoe
once bitten
desperately seeking susan
a host of afterschool specials regarding "serious" teen issues


honorable mentions from the 1985 sandwich:

1984 - sixteen candles, bachelor party, revenge of the nerds, splash, ghostbusters, muppets take manhattan, cloak and dagger, johnny dangerously, cannonball run II, romancing the stone

1986 - lucas, ferris bueller's day off, short circuit, back to school, howard the duck, top gun, one crazy summer, the money pit, pretty in pink


i know. you're welcome. 1984-1986 was truly a time for cinematic genius and without me, you wouldn't have all this precious information at your fingertips.

he is not your friend or 'secret lovers, that's what we are'

you think he is your friend, but he is not. it's hard to initially decipher that the enemy is upon you so you invite him in because he reminds you of goodness and things that are wholesome. you lock into a loving embrace with him. his presence puts you at the utmost level of comfort. you share a few laughs. you reminisce over the good times. you have joy, you have fun, you have seasons in the sun. but then, the clock strikes 12... and you realize that you have made a terrifying mistake. your first instinct is to run as fast and as far as your little legs will take you. your head is a mess. your mind is a shambles. he did this to you. he played you for a fool. and you. know. why. he is not your friend. in fact, he is your nemesis and he wants to see that you fail in every last of the evening's endeavors.

he made you think you were signing on for a few margaritas and maybe a dance or two on the bar. you laugh. you sing. you do in fact, dance a medley on said bar. and it was all so innocent...until that fateful turning point where he convinces you to abandon your chaperone - your faithful attendant who cleverly disguised himself as margarita mix for so long and only for your safety and well-being. therein lies your weakness, your first fateful mistake; you listened to him. you must never listen to him. you and tequila require supervision at all times. you're an adult and we think we can trust you. but in your moment of weakness, you forgot everything we professed. it's like you contracted temporary amnesia and overlooked the fact that he'll take full advantage and place you in compromising situations - repeatedly - over the course of a night.

at least you still have some wits about you because your thoughts were to run at the onslaught. so yes, your first job is indeed to run. you both literally and figuratively dash to the nearest and most appropriate receptacle. you renew your friendship with your "receptacle" of choice for what seems like hours when in reality, it's probably hours. (right, sharda?) finally you finish your renewal session and crawl to, well, anywhere else. fully clothed, you awaken the next morning to find that you feel ok. a little shaky, but ok. luckily your "friend" does not stick around. ah, but he will return. mark these words. happy hour will roll back around and you will invite him in as though nothing ever happened. yet again.

ok so, we've established something important here today. if you're feeling vulnerable and/or weak, you must avoid your mexican man at all costs. and then, stay away from the tequila.

pan cookies

what if you dedicated your life to pan cookies. your sole purpose for being would be bars crafted from dough infused with semi-sweet chocolate chips. seriously, what if you could love pan cookies to the point where they alone could get you out of bed in the morning. i'm talking obsessed with them. like, 'going to work finally has meaning because you're simply only going to make money to finance them' obsessed. and i'm also talkin elaborate here. they would have to be. i mean, right? you're gainfully employed. sheesh.

for one, clearly you will have lost your mind. and two, you would have to change the name of your blog to 'pan cookies actually do hate you'. but obviously pan cookies can't hate you. they're cookie bars. it wouldn't be rational if baked goods hated you.

but back to you getting up in the morning because of pan cookies...interesting concept. let me know how you make this possible because i'd like to employ your recipe for insanity and make pan cookies my reason for living as well.

when they pass around the coffee and the...

merry christmas, everyone.

this post is dedicated to sharda.

indeed, allen. indeed.

this chat window popped up while i was diligently "working" today -

Allen: No Danielle, no success
Danielle: that's what i always say

i saw murray kissing santa claus

like all good single, hip, bored kids in the month of december, i was reflecting on my xmas past, present, and future. the past is important because it's where we came from and where would we be without it. we need the present because it's here now and hello, who doesn't like presence. ;) the future, well, that's where we're headed and it's actually starting to happen now so you better check your swatch watch. man that was deep.

this all began with a picture i stumbled across from a year ago. it's simply just a picture of my xmas tree from last year when i had only been in my house for two months. i pulled up xmas tree photo 2005 and displayed it beside xmas tree photo 2006. it was interesting for me to see how i was expressing my xmas joy a year ago versus how i'm expressing it today. today's tree towers and has a never ending supply of sparkle. last year's tree was a dwarf palm with silver ribbon, white lights, and a classy little skirt. the big difference is that months ago i realized how much i enjoy decorating my home. if decorating my home means giant xmas tree then so be it. haul out the holly. also, sometime during mid-2006 the palm leased itself out to a colony of inch/mill worms. sadly, both worms and tree had to 'relocate'.

and in the spirit of xmas, i would like to take a moment to comment on us as a material society. we don't handle the xmas season very well. i'm embarrassed. for fear of my sanity loss and new car, as of yesterday i'm not going near a center de shopping again until late january. it's been nothing but upsetting and scary and i would like to avoid an appearance in court because that's not an item on my 2007 agenda. yet. it might be that i'm getting older and less patient but it feels like we cranked up the crazy by a factor of seven since last year. if i unexpectedly end up at the mall, i'll probably have to kill someone with my bare hands and that won't be very xmas-y.

without further adieu, two highly differing tree expressions.

i'm tina fey

mean girls was on tbs a lot last weekend. i was watching it with sarah, diane, and sharda when one them declared that i was tina fey. luckily for everyone, i am in possession of the internet and photoshop.












i know, right?

tales from yore; a young cheesecakepot learns to hate

when i was in kindergarten, there was a friday morning ritual known as 'show and tell'. since i know my readers so well, i know you may not be able to conceptualize what this might entail. i will enlighten you.

show and tell had to do with a class full of circa 1983 5yr-olds who were dying to "show" you some of their junk and then proceed to "tell" you a tale regarding it. stay with me now. this ritual also had something to do with a teacher being present because, at the time, most localities weren't in the habit of allowing 5yr-olds to trapse about schools all by their lonesome(s). if memory serves (and it very well may not) i believe we were only permitted one measly show and tell a month or something similarly bizarre. the circa '83 kindys (i just made that up) would usually showcase barbie dolls, remote control cars, sporting equipment, stuffed animals, and other generally fascinating electronic gadgetry that 5yr-olds would feel compelled to haul places for what can best be described as casual friday morning presentations. you'd now like to know where this story is headed because i'm starting to wonder the same. here, i'll "show" you.

back in '83, i had spent an afternoon with my aunt and baby-aged cousin. being the good parent that she was on the afternoon in question, my aunt decided to feed my little cousin. i was extremely helpful back in the day so naturally i offered to assist with the initiative. i had noticed that my aunt was using a regular fork that had 4 little orange fork-teeth protectors securely affixed to each fork prong essentially transforming it into an early spork. i studied this configuration for a moment and then realized why it was necessary (because i was 5 and a genius). my aunt had effectively child-proofed the fork so she could use it to feed my small cousin. i don't know why she wasn't using baby utensils, but she wasn't. maybe some stupid a-holes gave her some stupid fork protectors for the baby shower and she kinda felt like using them. who knows. the point is, they were there and we were using them.

i think i was so taken by the little orange fork protector situation because of how absurd it was. why not just use a baby spoon? i don't know! i'm 5 and this is newsworthy! others must know what i know. i proceed to borrow the fork protector and haul it to kindergarten for my once rarely casual friday morning presentation. i was very excited to showcase my findings so i got up there and told my tale ensuring that every last detail was accounted for. the class was also 5yrs old so they were all pretty amused with what i had uncovered. the teacher was not 5yrs old so she was far less amused and there's where it ends. i stabbed her to death right then and there with my little orange fork protector.

ok. no. i didn't. i was 40lbs. i should've stabbed her because once i finished presenting, she publicly belittled me before the class and made certain that i knew this was THE most uninteresting artifact one could ever possibly show and tell on and that she was very, VERY dissapointed in me. i cried for hours and then just decided to hate her. forever. and then eventually come full circle and hate everyone and everything else as well.

so i end up at the moral of the story. mrs. j: you were integral in the development of my moral fibers and core personality elements. i'm a living breathing hate machine and i *think* you fired the first shot down a long, winding road that is now my hateful, spiteful, dark, blog existence.

whose house are you haunting?

there was an eerie discovery on a drive home last week. it was dark, stormy, and cold. as i was listening to my new favorite song, i glanced into the rearview and took note of the car behind me. i don't know how much attention you pay to this sort of thing, but try to remember to look next time. you might find that it's unsettling, depending on the time of day and weather conditions. it's not going to keep you up at night or anything; it's just eerie for a minute or two while you're reflecting on the visual and then you get your damn eyes back on the road because clearly you're a bad driver who pays unusually close attention to the outdated junk in the rearview. what i found was a midsize car, nondescript, with two figures in the front seat. i can only assume that the figures are a driver and a passenger. so far so good. the weird part comes into play because it's dark in this car to begin with and then the headlights of the car behind them are casting a backlight/shadow and display the two people as if they were 2 ghostly phantoms who have commandeered a vehicle and are now cruising the OF. these are the makings of a great horror film; night, rain, slight fog, ghastly 'dementors' steering the taurus behind you... this is the stuff wes craven is made of. like i said, it's only creepy for a minute and then you get back to your new favorite song because it's soothing and mellow and driving in night rain highlights the fact that you can't see very well at this point in life because you're not 11 and either your eyesight genetics are a sad sack or you really did spend too much time sitting too close to the tv watching smurfs & snorks as a kid. damn you.

to the horface 30th b-day circle of trust (sarah, john, leah, sharda, diane) - i've only been close to that drunk a few other times in life. man it was worth it. and holy eff i love my digital camera for recording all the precious memories so i could see what happened the next day. i haven't had that much memory loss in months. i do remember herding boys into the ladies room for a spin-off party* with sharda and leah. i do NOT remember being in the men's room - for the record.

*it's midnight and you are the perfect brand of hammered with a camera in one hand and a vodka cran in the other and sharda and leah have their heads in toilets and trash receptacles. please take note of figure 1.

figure 1

case closed. eventually.

i have some things that i'm going to say here because i can't say them where i need to say them. they're nomads; i'll never get the chance to get them back to their home. something happens on a fairly regular quarterly basis that causes me to go into a relapse. in light of the most recent occurrence, i'm now trying to be on the road to closure and this has to be a stop along the way. don't comment on any of this if you're going to annoy me. everyone and everything annoy me so maybe you just don't comment on this post. seriously. i'm pretty sure i have to let it run its course but i would love to help it end sooner and this seems like an activity that could assist. somehow.

i want to see pictures of you at the ages of 5,7,9,11,14,18,21. i want to know what you've got loaded on your mp3 player. i want to cuddle with you by the fire on the evening following especially seasonal holiday activities. i wonder what you're doing right now. i want to be aimless in stores with you. i don't want to just be a friend. i want to be with you most hours of my life. i want my heart to stop racing because you make it do that. i want to bottle the nervous/anxious/excited/calm your presence brings. i want to take you to my reunions. i want to travel everywhere with you. i bet you wouldn't want to kill the giant spiders either. i want to be the one you call as soon as the plane lands. i want to braise meats and veggies for you. i want to get snowed in while we're visiting your parents. i want to watch as mine fall in love with you. i wonder if you caught that song like i did. i wish i could remember what life was like before you. i want us to (blank) (blank) in the (blank). i want to sleep in your pajama top. i want to give you an alias so we can crash open houses on sundays. i hate that we can't be together.

my mom invented the internet.

when the cat's away, the mice will perform voodoo on you

i need a clever pick-up line. i have my favorite standbys but i don't think they would meet my current need (whew, you're hot in here. or, hey - you wanna go do it in the back of my car?) i need one that i can use on a hottie in the grocery store or at starbucks that will endear me to him in the sub 30 seconds i have to make a fun, lasting impression. it can't be one of the standbys because you can't lob those at people in starbucks at 9am. well i mean, you certainly could but i'd rather not as they're far less amusing prior to a gallon of vodka. it needs to be playful, intelligent, unique, brief, and most importantly, it has to work. i'm leaning toward something along the lines of "nice fairy drink" if he orders a fairy drink. also, i hate my job. also, either meg or woody licked the other on sautrday night. i'm having trouble with this one.

oops

someone finally got a video of me doing my britney dance. i'm embarrassed. now that i've seen this, i think i'm going to post my "cover" to see if i can compare. someone please explain what's going on here -

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KkO3BLz0X2Y

dancing queen. she's only 29

mentioning a few things;

• b-day on the 13th - doing fine with 29. thx to all the 'birthdays with beatrice' attendees.
• i love abba. i just revived 'abba gold: greatest hits' in my kitchen and i STILL know all the words to that entire album. i now have a karaoke system so feel free to come over for the revival cuz i'm singin it in my kitchen.
• dirty martini's; they made the abba kitchen dance party possible
• quattro. oh i loves me the quattro. mmmmmmmm......

they did the mash

would you believe me if i told you i was doing the time warp in my kitchen just now? of course you would. that's what i was doing on a dark and stormy sunday night. i rule. shut it. there was vodka involved. after the time warp, i danced to the munsters theme and dead man's party, obviously.

here's a picture of my sweetest day date. the halloween bear i gave her is strewn to the side because 'over the hedge' was way more interesting when i snapped this shot. to be honest, bruce willis is hot and his voice is fantastic and even my nearly 2yr-old niece knows that. who wants a stupid little bear dressed as a pumpkin anyway. she's right. after this picture, i helped myself to a microbrew from the 'fridge and then dominated her sit & spin. i might get one along with an x-box for karaoke rev now. she calls halloween, 'na-neen-neen-neen'. right on, bell-tower.















i'd post more but it's sunday night and i have tons of drinking to complete before i head to the worst job on the planet in the AM. toodles.

now everything's cool - drac's a part of the band

we're in the thick of my xmas season and it looks like halloween gone wild at my house. it's one of the few things i'm passionate about anymore and it's definitely less passion than ever before but still, i'm glad there's an ounce of passion left somewhere in my world. i would elaborate but i won't.

i'm not quite sure why, but i don't like red sofas. i watched 2 movies over the weekend; 'just like heaven' and 'friends with money'. the first had a red sofa, which was actually tasteful but still a red sofa. the latter, no red sofa, but terrible and i stopped watching just before the halfway point. it was boring, gloomy, awkward, and boring. i'm glad janiston made a few bucks off the crap she produced in the last couple years. really. i like her. the last few i actually remember the titles of (aforementioned, 'good girl', 'rumor has it', 'derailed') were crap. to be fair and for a more balanced commentary, i did like 'along came polly', 'rock star', and i know it was a while ago, 'office space'.

as for the red sofas, i'd invite you to comment on why you like them, but i don't care. if you can tell me how to get myself into a love triangle which rivals that of meredith grey's steamy, dreamy man steaks, i'm in. otherwise, no. get out of my face (blog).

happiness is...

when you walk into your house and you see your new patio in all its glory (with comfy chairs and a rather neat looking firepit).

fly me to the miu-oon

i decided that if sarah can start listening to xmas music in early august, i can start stocking up on whimsical halloween decor, mid-late month. see below for the first piece of my 2006 collection.

and it could be the target wine cube talking, but i think i'm gonna be ok. i've been miserable since wednesday at 11:32a, but the more i think about it, fall's on my doorstep, AND, i'm closer to where i want to be than i've ever been before. let's celebrate that my friends. and target box wine; celebrate that as well.

i'm waiting here for you in the state i'm in

i really wanna blog something meaningful here tonight but in lieu of recent events, i'm not going to do that. instead, i watered my flower beds, grilled some fish, took a long drive, and bought menthol lights. i paid $4.13 to enjoy 1 on my porch this evening and it was damn good. i'll have a cig twice a year when it's warranted. my friends, i earned it today. there's so much wrong with what went down, i can't really scratch the surface at this point so i won't even attempt it. honestly, things could be worse. i was able to put it all back into perspective. but, JR - guy who told on me - you'll feel my wrath one day. and.it.will.hurt.

this is just ridiculous

i had the world's greatest ice-cream last night - so great, that this event is now legendary in my life. when you get a chance, haul yourself over to a dunkin donuts/baskin robbins combo store and get a scoop of "world class chocolate". not only is it gorgeous on a cone, but it's also unreasonably delicious. it was so ridiculously beautiful in color, i wanted to take a picture of it. it was however, ice-cream, so i was therefore unable to take the appropriate snaps for historical recording purposes. the gist of it is this; white chocolate mousse ice-cream swirling around chocolate chocolate mousse ice-cream. it was like they were dancing together in a very whimsical manner. very yin yang. so for those who might be envisioning regular chocolate and vanilla-type colors, just stop it. i can only insist that you go see this for yourself, in person. if you are at all disappointed with what you find, i will repay you in the form of me buying myself a charity cone to make up for it because you will be hurting its feelings and i don't want it to feel sad.

hey, no cock pump

normally i would send chop dungs a text message, but going forward, i will now leave messages here - since the text messaging device is nowhere near me and i would have to get up to get it and i don't require more vodka or anything right now so i'm not getting up off the sofa. chop, you are smart. i left the lights on in my basement this morning and then found that i had approximately zero flies in my house around 6pm. they might be breeding in the sump pump and since the basement is kinda dark, the light from under the door to my kitchen draws them out. i figured i would leave the lights on down there and maybe that would make them less likely to enter the house. it did the trick. no flies in the house today so i took a brown paper bag and covered that opening under the door to the basement to see if that's officially it.

there are 16 giant spiders on my front porch. i don't recommend you going there.

gerbs is married. now it's actually sherbs. sarah thinks a skinny weird guy is eventually coming for me. god i hope so. it's getting late.

ryan reynolds is delicious. i wanna get married. don't tell the boys i date cuz they might get scared.

egg sack

i had to perform a mass murder last night. it was a spider and her 2 sacks full of millions of babies. i didn't like doing it but it had to be done. i knew it was going to be a struggle for me, but i also knew that i didn't want millions of spider babies all over my life. the basement was the scene of the crime. i was down there running on the treadmill and decided to inspect her web a little closer, which is when i discovered the egg sacks. and i hate killing anything to the point where i actually ran an extra mile to push the murder off for that much longer.

in lighter news, it was a good night for early 80s movies; national lampoon's vacation, animal house, and 9 to 5. i feel asleep to these after the massacre.

is it possible that my tropical kitchen tree has life in it - i mean like, flys/little worms. i caught a few inch worms making a break for it over the weekend and i've had a fly problem for weeks now. the tree moved into my kitchen in october so i would've imagined that the lifeforms should've started their migration already. is it possible that there are now worms/flys in that pot due to spontaneous generation?

what if i have a breakdown and end up looking like this lady:

as busy as a one-armed paper hanger

that was me on saturday night. busy. i had a small party at my mansion and it turned out to be an extremely lovely evening - very quiet, very tame, and i know my neighbors with small children didn't mind the singing of 20 'in-eebs' at 1am. now this singing part, i can't substantiate it. my next door guy (who so kindly lent us wood for my firepit) mentioned that the people behind us said they liked the song we were singing at 1am. i don't remember this taking place so i can't believe it's true.

more than a few people tried to discourage me from burning my firepit on the dry lawn in the middle of july. we had a need for fire and pits so what could we do? obviously, the patio has not yet arrived and i'll just say that i'm more than frustrated with the cement guys in the area who won't come pour it and/or return my calls. (actually, a good side bar for ya - the patio guy just called to say that's gonna be another 2 weeks...i don't believe a word he says but he's all i've got. i don't really understand why, but cement guys must not need any more business at this point in time.) the party was to celebrate my new patio but since there wasn't one, we had a party anyway and it was a good one, my friends - one for the history books. the moon was out. it had an orange tint. good buddies were there. GOOD alcohol was there. it was a beautiful summer night and i couldn't have asked for more (well, ok. i could. i could have used a patio but that's neither here nor there.)

i don't remember too many highlights because i guess i was pretty drunk. i remember the night fondly, but i don't have a lot of details. i do know this; more than a few people had to spend the night and that's always a good sign. i remember telling the guests that i had locked the windows and doors really tight so no one would come in and steal them. see that, i care about people. deeply.

there will be another party as soon as the patio shows up... and probably one before that as well. i still have way too much of the hard stuff in my refrigerator. oh, and to whoever drank my 'prop' wine that sits on kitchen counter beside the oven - i am so sorry. i opened that bottle of zinfandel in like february and didn't end up finishing it. i really liked the label though because it coordinates with my kitchen's theme and colors, so i left it as a prop. i have to imagine you were too drunk to know that it tasted like sour ass, but my apologies nonetheless.

stay tuned for patio party, the sequel. or, let me know when you people wanna come over again because there's seriously an unreal quantity of beer, margaritas, daquiris, wine, and 1 mike's light hard lemonade being very aimless at my house.

boom, boom, boom - let's go back to my room

first off, i had to cut my lawn for the first time on sunday morning. for those who aren't sure why that would be newsworthy, i had a lawn guy, 'kenny', who was hired to cut my lawn twice a month. he cut the lawn a total of 4 times since early april and then just stopped without warning a month and a half ago. some little birdies told me that he had developed a thing for me, so i believe his strategy then became 'i'll only cut the grass over there when she calls me after i haven't showed up for a month and then i'll also take that opportunity to ask her out on strange dates'. well obviously, he's history. i'd also like to report him to the better business bureau but i'm slightly worried he'll start cooking rabbits atop my stove. anywho, cutting the grass wasn't THAT bad but i really hate cutting the grass so it just reaffirmed my predilection for a grass cutting service. i borrowed my sister's lawnmower and set out to reveal no less than 150,000 different types of grasshopper species. i know that grasshoppers are harmless and they don't bother me, but they're still bugs and i don't like bugs so i found them to be gross and annoying. i was after all cutting grass and that's where they live so what could i do (but run them over). before you go berating me on all the joys of grass cutting (like my neighbor), don't. some people like to cut their grass. i'm just not one of them. when the boy moves into my home for permanent residence, he will be assigned all lawn mowing tasks (if you know what i'm saying). done and done.

the second thing about the extra long holiday weekend that i feel the need to explain, i drank a lot. and when i say a lot, i mean A LOT. it was that new ruby red absolut. i couldn't resist it. coincidentally, neither could the raspberry lemonade i whipped up. i spent much time lounging on my neighbors patios and they probably really enjoyed that - i certainly did. and something else that's fun about my neighbors, they like to make their own fireworks. i live in a neighborhood that's surrounded by a somewhat rural area. there are locals and they make their own fireworks and probably moonshine as well. long story short, i didn't have to move an inch to see fireworks this past weekend. i looked anywhere and saw pretty decent starbursts everywhere and i'm pretty sure it was the man who's been constructing the lazy river in his backyard for the last year. hey let me know if you want visitors at the hospital, lazy river guy. i'm sure you blew off a finger or a toe or your face.

up shit creek

when the warm weather hits cleveland, my bosses like to make everyone in the division go out and bond almost weekly. they plan it during the work day and call it 'team-building' and clients love it. during these off-site events, we've been known to eat, drink, picnic, putt-putt, go-kart, batting cage, driving range, whirly ball, booze-cruise, and finally for the first time this past friday, canoe. i've never been canoeing and i have to be honest, i wasn't really looking forward to it. i did convince myself to partake however due to my lack of interest in being in the office anymore and also because it did happen to be a really beautiful, sunny day.

the first few hours in the morning were (and always are) spent on actual team-building or relevant work discussion. we then have a little lunch and then start playing. i decided early on to team up with RML and brian from my team. RML is effing crazy and brian is like 23 and one of those extreme sporting types so he's effing crazy, too. for some reason, i didn't really take this into account. i said to myself, 'i will probably be good to go in their canoe'. i'll tell you the story of how it went. try to guess where this is going to end up.

the place was called 'camp hi-canoe' and it really couldn't have been any further from my house. strike 1. once we all signed our lives away and suited up with life-vests and paddles, they loaded us onto a dark green school bus that much resembled one that hauls prison inmates around. strike 2. they shuttled us to the start of our route so we could easily board the canoes and get some tips. it took 15 minutes. strike 3. RML, brian, and i loaded into our boat and the journey began.

so we set sail down the cuyahoga river - except without sails and the c river is pretty much a really skinny lake that just happens to wind around for miles with zero to no current. there we are, paddling and ruddering down the "river". RML was "stern". brian was "bow". i was in the middle. port and starboard don't apply to my story because there's no right and left in a tiny, aluminum ship. anyway, we were paddling and ruddering and it was kind of peaceful. a few of the other boaters pulled away right from the gates because they were outdoors-y and it appeared that canoeing was their life. i say this because they brought homemade paddles and life vests. you make the call. my boat was not full of lifers because it was swaying right and left and running into the sides of the river. RML is a little retarded. she was ruddering so damn much and always in the wrong direction. obviously brian started yelling at her because we really didn't have anything else to do. we all agreed that we did not need any more rudder.

hey guess what. RML kept ruddering. guess what else. brian kept yelling. obviously i couldn't not be yelling at that point so i started yelling, too. i shouted - "rudder!" and "i gotta have more left!". this was all still in the first few hundred yards of the trip and we hadn't even tasted a drop of an adult beverage.

we started to get the hang of the paddles. here's my expert canoeing tip: paddle on the side you don't want to be on. if you're heading towards a tree on the left, paddle on that side. this sounded like a workable plan except for the part where brian is like hulk and RML is like not. i was in the middle trying to stay in sync with brian but his paddle strength was too powerful and we were all over the "river" ramming into everyone and everything. everyone was passing us with their beer and super soakers and we were all just yelling aimlessly at each other.

we actually started making a little progress and were feeling better about this trip until brian started getting playful and tipping the canoe from side to side. our boss, cig lips, started egging him on from another canoe (that he had strapped to a second canoe so they wouldn't tip. he's real tricky this guy. he also finished a full hour after us due to the case he was able to house in the 3-hour tour.)

i can't really tell you why, but brian so wanted to get in that murky, brown water, which ended up being unusually warm and i know this because brian accidentally capsized us around this time. hey know what? canoes are pretty effing heavy when they're on dry land so try to imagine how heavy they are when you're neck deep in the brown water and trying to flip it back over so you can get your ankles out of the disgusting-ness river bed that felt like poo. i feel like taking a shower every time i re-live the river bed. it was 4ft of brown water and you couldn't see the bottom. needless to say, i was livid the moment i hit the water. i was expecting to get wet but i was never going to be submerged in the brown goo. it literally took us 10min to get the canoe in place and another 10 for me and RML to climb back into it. a few canoes were still passing us but they were the end of the line and laughing at us. we thought we were the last official morons just sitting there dead in the water, but that's when our boss' boss along with wendy and kreitzer slowly paddled up. brian was still in the water because he wanted to capsize them as well. the higher level bosses are not as dumb as we like to think because right away they started asking where brian was. guess where he was - he was behind them in position to tip their drunk asses into the mushy goodness. fantastic. now they were out of the boat and obviously comin for RML and me. we screamed for dear life. we begged for mercy. there was no way we were going back into the brown water we worked so hard to get out of...but down we went.

so we were stuck in the mushy, brown sludge yet again and this was still the first mile of the course. i'm talkin like, 30min into it. i might now like to take the time to mention the length of the trip. 6 more to go friends. 7 MILES OF CANOEING AHEAD. we didn't know this when we started. i wouldn't have canoed had i known this prior. we were soaked and muddy and we had zero beer. i decided that we needed to regroup so we docked at a calm little bank and dumped all the excess water out of the canoe because while we enjoyed sitting in it, we didn't.

finally we climbed back in and started our journey once again. i made brian switch places with me because his strength was better distributed in the center. i also started calling the paddle which actually helped quite a bit. and after a while, we all knew how to switch sides based on which direction we were headed.

7 grueling miles later, we see the most glorious shitty little canoe dock we've ever seen in our entire lives. we could barely walk when our feet hit the ground. 7 miles is insanity. we were expecting a very cute canoe ride, 2-3 miles tops. i had to throw away my favorite pink underpants along with the rest of what i was wearing. it was sad. behold, my aftermath:















and you just had to review my crack..."butt" this is the internet and i think it's high time i distribute the porn and finally start doing my part.

anywho, cute little canoe rides don't end this way. this bruise gets darker and uglier with each passing day and then i discover a few new ones. i don't even know how i got them - but they hurt. my butt hurts. my arms hurt. it hurts to breathe. so for the sake of everyone, everywhere, my canoeing will be now be limited to zero trips a year going forward.

thumbin' your way to vegas, dirty

since horface is taking my whole life to post this, i'll give it a shot. let's see if i can provide an inkling and help perpetuate the glory because this place is glorious and i'm trying to find a way to get back there once a month. the one thing i don't have a picture of is our hot group of chicks enjoying a meal in the oldest restaurant in vegas, at none other than old blue eyes' table. that's right - we dined in frank's old hot spot at HIS table. there was a tiny, older gentleman with an accordian and he told us. we believed him because this establishment provided free wine. other highlights include; everyone being engaged to like, everyone on the trip, kim napping for 15min then leaping up and chugging beer on ice from a wine glass, me being a blackjack moron/genius and then me picking up 2, 50 year-old married guys and 1 ethiopian cabbie, new edition as guest hosts on knight rider, the magical water show at the bellagio, the scary, anorexic, half-naked, mannequins with ginormous bird wings at the victoria's secret in the caesar's forum shops, cook e. jar, multiple $27 red bull and vodka yards that meg dropped serious cash on, the england dan sing-a-long that horface and i had at tha pool, and the drunk brother/sister/couple at the pool who were probably loud enough that you could hear them from wherever you were but luckily didn't get to actually see their strange "pool rides" and child molestation. we think they were siblings (because they said so) but then they were like riding around the pool on top of each other................................ with no further adieu, for your review - vegas through the eyes of my 1.3 megapixel camera phone snaps. they should pretty much say it all. if you need more info however, let me know.

she's come undun

there are a couple things on my mind that i must share with you at this time. if you are familiar with my yogurt lid issue, this is tied with that. i do not like ice-cream trucks - the old-fashioned kind that you may or may not recall from the days of your youth. i don't recall them. apparently, my neighborhood wasn't good to go. we didn't have them. now that i'm 28 and ice-cream gives me heartburn, i have them. fuck that. that's the first two-part reason why i loathe them.

second, they remind me of a sinister treat wagon that's capable of stealing children, like in chitty-chitty bang bang. i was forced to search my soul for these answers yesterday because my cousin's in town and she was over for dinner last night when the cream wagon was trolling around the gate. i expressed my idiosyncratic weirdness toward the vehicle and she didn't understand how someone could hate a van that sells door-to-door frozen creamy snacks. long story short, i had to figure this out last night.

the other topic i would like to get off my giant chest - the girl that lives behind me (sara) just tried to get me engaged to the 'single man' in the gate. here's the deal: there's a woman named valerie who lives 3 doors down. she has a brother who lives 3 streets over. his name is dave and he's single. i guess it's rare for single people to build homes so the others are on the lookout for these scenarios and ensure that the 2 single people know of them as well. which, i'm fine with. i'm up for a single-dave scenario. he has a house in my neighborhood and i know that's not too shabby for rachel. i'll keep ya posted. by the way, i had known sara for approximately 40 seconds when she came up with this idea. why is america obsessed with marriage?

oh. another thing, i have major spider fright. there are 2 more breeds of spider on my property. i discovered them today. originally, i thought i just had giant wolf spiders that have a body the size of my thumb and those long legs that have a bend (much like your traditional, black halloween spider that they all depict for my xmas, which by the way makes for good irony. halloween is my xmas but spiders scare the bejesus out of me). these 2 new guys are MUCH furrier and MUCH blacker. they also include white markings on their hourglass shaped bodies. one is a jumping spider and the other, i can't find on the internet. it's furry black with an hourglass body that has a white hourglass marking. i'm serious, they could take out a mid-sized village if they got angry enough. i think we'll be able to cohabitate if they just stay on their side. i told them about the agreement i have with spiders, that they need to stay outside or there will be a bloodbath. i know they understand what i'm telling them. they must because they are constantly in the garage and that's a grey area. see how tricky they are?

don't read me if you haven't seen it...

i can't stop watching the final 15 minutes of grey's anatomy. it moves me. i'm addicted. it begins with george asking for more time and ends with izzie and boys descending the stairs. "i hate that i'm so into you." i can't scratch the surface of alex being human and the mer/der f, which was a a total f by the way. there was nothing was soft about it. that was like, an old fashioned, raw, eff. shame on you, shonda rhimes. however, based on what she's done to me in the past year and a half, i'm now unable to live without these very 'real', fictional characters (because i live in a dreamworld). i'm up. i'm down. i'm all around. this show is like crack. i seriously can't help but hope addison finds happiness. i love 'er, but not with derek. i kinda hope it's with alex. der, he and mer need to just do this already. finn is unusually charming and a great match for her, but derek's the one. i think my happiness in life depends on their being together. guess what i do now - i think of derek's face when i'm signing into a conference call so that my voice is all smiley when i say my name because i've closed my eyes and i see derek's face. [inappropriate PAUSE] and i'd be lying if i said i wasn't concerned for next season. the mer/der/finn cliffhanger isn't my issue. it's the burke hand, izzie resignation stuff that hits me where i live. dr. hahn - agressive bad-ass female cardio-thoracic surgeon, i would totally do you. (and so would you). denny - holy crap. he proposed. she loved him. he died. gut-wrenching. i mean literally ripping me apart.

waht else. i literally sliced my thumb open on monday. it was nasty and i can't stop replaying the incident in my head. UGH. so disgusting. blood everywhere. now i'm fine. i've been wearin a lot of the sponge bob & dora band-aids so it's fine. YOU try finding regular band-aids. it's impossible.

don't thank me. thank penicillin.

happy easter everyone. i hope you enjoy the candy-filled, rainbow-egged, chocolate/peanut butter bunny goodness. i know i will. :)

on to important matters. i'm pretty sure i saw madonna at the mall on thursday night. she was in a black saab - which makes all kinds of sense if you'll recall my excellent track record for celebrity sightings in the cleveland area. she looked very kaballah-y.

i hired a lawn guy on tuesday at 1pm. he showed up that same afternoon and fertilized the lawn. this guy rules because it rained the next day and then he came back friday to cut it. my neighbor was starting to remind me of that tractor supply commercial with the immobile claymation guys on farms where one calls the other to ask if his lawn mower is broken because his grass is so tall. my neighbor kept asking. well now he can shut it. i have kenny, wonder lawn guy. he was a greenskeeper at a golf course before he started his own landscaping business. and, his name is kenny. thanks much to deb and erik. i heart kenny. my lawn is unusually green. i've also been doing other fun homeowner stuff, too - going to home depot on saturday nights and having storm doors installed. my next item of business will be landscaping. i've reached the point in my life where i can't wait to plant shrubs and pull weeds and stuff. you can't see me right now but i'm sighing disgustedly. i guess my new yard-work gloves are too cool because i can't wait to wear them. i hate you home depot. why do you have to sell so many amazing things for me to plant. blackberries are on their way. get excited. a patio is next on the list. once it's done, party at b-mansion. margaritas for everyone.

another gem from the archives. these are my pod boys. special dark, do not be alarmed. i'm not mad at you.

go zags

so what can i tell you. birds pooped on my up-high windows the other day. wtf birds. like i'm ever going to be able to clean that shit. i bought a heating pad yesterday. not a heating blanket. a heating PAD. this largely increases my senior citizen-ness. but what i cay say, it had to be done. i have an old knee injury and it was the most painful joint/muscle weather-change incident i've endured to date. so i have a heating pad. if you need to borrow that, let me know. i'll drive it over in my giant cadillac and you can maybe help me style my blue hair afterwards. i hope this gives you some indication of what my current life state resembles. to sum up - AARP, heating pad, bird poop.

ah stripes. i love ya.

you guys really need to let me post more. seriously, once a month - not acceptable. you better shape that shit up. i mean it.

i heard a story the other day about the ex of my good buddy j. the ex is b. you'll never guess what b said to her new lover over hotmail. yeah? no. 'i never knew cuddling could be so intense.' g-zus b-muffin what is your god damn problem... but i am pretty effing glad i know this. why do i know this? because it was in b's hotmail and because j is totally psychotic (and that's fine, we still love ya). we wouldn't have this morsel of sweet, sweet love talk if j wasn't such a whack job - but my favorite whack job.

now go out there and watch out for all that intense cuddling this fine night of saturday.

here's 2 more pics from the work pod archives. the first is classic special dark. he HATES this picture with all his mite so i constantly have it conveniently and publicly resurface every time he pisses me off. i'm standing there too and i have that special dark look on my face because i'm pretty sure he was looking at asian porn. the second is me and i can't really explain why i'm in such a pose. pretty sure chop shop had something to do with it.

save the seals

so hey, the easter seals date auction wasn't so bad after all. my dude is the right age (36-ish) and really rich. here's a picture of us:















ok. that's not really us. i don't have anything that i can show you yet. what else...i love my buddies that made it out to support the event (sarah, steph, meg, sharda, jace) - it meant so much to me that you were there, especially since steph won the cruise and is totally taking me to the bahamas. thanx sal. you're the best! my parents went too and i guess jace had to keep big don from interjecting herself into my mingling situations with the single boys. how neat and fun would that have been for these poor fellas, being exposed to her so quickly. she introduced herself to the guy that won me right as she got there, which is strange since i hadn't even met him yet. and of course, she thinks he's too old for me. crazy, crazy big don.

the men were few and far between. obviously there would be more girls in attendance because we're more willing to go to stuff and be open about our singles status. the guys were all over me and the reccuring theme was that i was one of the two hotties up for bid - and you know what, i can't get tired of hearing that. obviously the silver foxes took an instant liking to me but i had prepared myself for that so i was constantly rolling myself out of the coversation. plus, it's really not gonna work out if i'm taller than the guy. sorry. it just can't.

now here's the thing that i wasn't pleased to learn; this was a date raffle, not an auction as previously stated. they led me to believe that i would be auctioned off. instead, i literally had to weather the luck of the draw, which like i said, wasn't so bad. dave's kinda cute, appears to be wealthy (i mean, he did whip out his wallet so i could conveniently see his 100s), thinks i'm fan, and is in the right age window as i like 'em a little older. luckily i can say that i spoke to pretty much every guy i wanted to chat with except for 2. i just didn't get time since i was so popular... they were both nerdy-glasses types. one looked really young and the other looked 40 so i'm not losing any sleep over this.

all in all it was a nice little evening that i'm glad is finally over. i will *think* about participating next year. i mean, that's like 365 days away and i'm not one to commit.

oh no let's go

why am i so freaking obsessed with speed skating?? i will [blank] apollo ohno right now in this living room.

:(

i couldn't figure out what it was. i just realized that it's heartache.

now go out there and get some strange ass

i finally saw 'wedding crashers' and i really liked it and i'm sorry i left you with such harsh red letters for so long. i've been writing lyrics and watching basketball - pretty standard stuff. uh, no. it's not but that's what i've been doing. i'm also in redhat training this week so i don't get to play on the internet as much. here's what i have; randoms.

since i'm watching basketball now, jj redick is my new boyfriend. he's excellent.

the redhat instructor is my type, obviously married, and has a voice-over voice. he sounds like he does tv commercials.

i'm tired of looking at the guy on the corporate college billboard that's right outside the class windows. he's ugly and looks like a yes-man.

my next-door neighbor bryan continues to be fantastic. he de-snowed my driveway tonight since there were like 18inches living on it when i got home.

i really get texas hold'em now. i really do.

i'm actually impressed with the redhat operating system. it's slick. i may die now that i've admitted that.

i was walking through target today and saw 'butt paste' on the shelf. thought of john.

i might get an xbox so that i can play karaoke/dance dance revolution all the live long day.

i've been at the grocery store and dept. stores a lot lately since the cooking/baking bug always bites me during first quarter and i have an old greasy man date auction coming up. anyway, i notice the details in life - it's just what i do. i'm finding that peoples' faces are sad, dejected, and tired. i can't decide if it's that they've seen their fill of dark, cold-ish, cleveland winter or if they have something amiss at work or home or if it's them reflecting what i'm projecting, which could be since i feel like owen wilson in wedding crashers when we get to hear his answering machine. whatever the case is, it's sad. people just don't look like they're really living like they should and i'll refer you to scott on why that may be. the odds aren't in my favor on this one. just about everyone in the grocery store/mall looks like hell. i'm a pessimist so for now i'll chalk it up to our society being in a downward spiral. i know - big surprise that i feel this way.

rest in peace little guy

i saw an upsetting sight on the way to work today and i was traumatized for most of the morning. there was a small beagle puppy lying dead in the space between the on-ramp and the lane you merge into. unfortunately, it was heavy traffic so i was driving pretty slowly as i merged. his little body was lifeless. his eyes were open. there was some blood coming out of his mouth. i was REALLY upset when i realized what i was looking at and i think moreso because there's a little dog in my life who means more to me than i can explain. all of a sudden, the world became much more cruel. i can't believe i saw what i saw. obviously i don't know how it happened, but how the fuck could that have happened. my little dog has never been in a situation where he could end up dead on a highway. i have an extremely low tolerance for animal cruelty. if i can figure out a way to interlock the punishment of this type of asshole into the course of my life, i'll do it. anyone that gets the brunt of my wrath will wish they were dead anyway.

apparently i'm hot and lonely

i was doing a little grocery shopping yesterday and used the self check-out. i did have beer in the cart so the light started blinking and the lady came to see my ID. this is what happened:

lady - hi can i see your ID?
me - sure (i hand it to her)
lady - REALLY.
me - yeah.
lady - well YOU look FABULOUS. wow.
me - hey, thank you.
lady - no joke. fab.

how amazing is she. but before all that, there was a really cute guy that i was getting ready to stalk or pick-up by going down his aisle and pretending to buy what he was buying. if it was tampons, all the better. i couldn't find him though!! that was sad. i had a feeling he was a good one and i hardly ever feel that. rest assured, i will start a new, very frequent grocery schedule so as to increase our chances. seriously, he had glasses, blond-ish hair, a really cute butt, and a swimmer build. that's the stuff dreams are made of.

what's up rocktors

i just have random thoughts right now.

dvr joined me two weeks ago. you were all correct. it changed my life within the first three hours of our time together. now if it only had a direct hook-up to uncle al's pizza and a vibrating feature...i'm sure you've heard it before, but i wouldn't have any reason to leave the gate.

in related news, patrick dempsey, just come over already. it's excrutiatingly painful that you're this adorable.

there's something that i'm truly happy about and that also makes me pretty sad. can't say much more.

i'm really proud of chop for being so good about his new diet. seriously, i mean it.

there's a group of organized individuals that i've been spending much time and effort on since mid-november. it's official. they can fuck off.

ooh. gotta run. 'oops' just shuffled in. time for the britney dance in my kitchen.

save the date

i'm going to be participating in the 'guys and dolls bachelor and bachelorette bid' to benefit easter seals on february 16th, 2006. for those in the area, i can sell you a pre-sale ticket for $35 ($40 at the door, $30 deductible). if you're unable to attend, i'll also be collecting donations. OR, you can just tell me how much fun you think i am for doing this and not attend or pledge any money, but that would be ridiculous and you'll never hear the end of it. obviously i'll be fine with any course of action you choose. it will be held at the holiday inn on rockside and doors open at 5:30PM, singles auction starts at 7pm. there will be a cash bar and HORs d'oeuvres.

let me know if you're interested. at a very minimum, you can come watch a horny, 55-year old man win an evening with me where i am legally obligated to attend. this is win-win for everyone. (but me.)

i object!

oh people. the bachelor takes my breath away. and if his blond, rugged, bronzed, intelligent, doctor body isn't enough for you, this season is taking place in the city of lights, none other than gay paris. i hope you either watched it or tivo'd it because good eff, i can't even begin to describe the captivation that IS the psycho-bitch 'reproductive-phase' lady. for her scarce fleeting moments with the hot dr. trav, she managed to get out 5 deathly cold, frightening words; 'i'm in my repoductive phase.' then, she basically assulted him in the chateau's grand foyer after he failed to offer her a rose. it was FANTASTIC television and the best i've seen in weeks. cheers to you, the good people at abc.

something else that's been bugging me: at dinner, there was a maaaan and this is what he proclaimed; 'i don't know if you knew this or not, but the pacific ocean is actually very, very cold.' at the time, i wish we could've seen my face. it was probably blank baffle while i wondered where he could possibly be deriving all of his chauvinistic condescention from with this very bold, public lack of knowledge of the temperature of the pacific. i think everyone at the table knew that the pacific is cold and knew for the better part of our lives, yet we said nothing to cut his truth. it was our job to make him feel comfortable no matter how uncomfortable he made us feel. it's now that i'm reflecting on the transaction and feeling a little guilty about what i felt, at the time. yes, he talks down to me. yes, i have a lot more education than he. yes, i miss my uncle and the 80s. AND, now i think he acts the way he does toward al and dan because he is in fact, uncomfortable, and this feeling comes out in the form of a confident, know-it-all defense. so, this is why i now feel guilty. in the simplest of terms, i was taking him for an arrogant dumbass with no validity and i became frustrated when i should've just taken him for what he was; a scared puppy who had lost his way, but luckily stumbled upon a kind family who felt somewhat compelled to open their home to him. and he may or may not be an arrogant dumbass, but that's not the point. the point is that i shouldn't have let him start the fire. the core of the matter was nothing. literally, nothing.

the year of danielle

hey pals. i'm going to post my resolutions for 2006. they're not major so i should be able to achieve them. if you keep your expectations low, you'll always be satisfied and if they're written in internet stone, your chances are even better. here we go.

• i'm going to learn 'french for travelers' from compact discs in my kitchen
• it's time for decorative scarves, people. all those belts -now visiting my neck region
• dental floss, it's not just for every other day anymore
• i will stop neglecting ayn rand and finally read atlas shrugged (mainly due to shop dungs)
• love; i'm really gonna put my foot in it this year
• i will take a giant step for danielle-kind and get logically closer to happiness (i can't be specific yet. i'll let you know as soon i possibly can)
• let my hair get to be 'krazy' long and i'm well on my way. i'll send locks to you thru the US mail with my $.39 stamps

man i hate sarah-on-a-cruise right now and i'll catch ya later. i need more alcohol because it's better when you're numb.

sup batoches

listen up, fish. people doing animal noises is my most favorite thing ever. seriously. ellen had her audience display their hidden talents and a few of them did animal impressions (WITH motions) and so then, i peed myself. it's ridiculous how much this entertains me. should you ever wish to do animal impressions for your cheesecakepot, here are a few old favorites:

horse and seal

yep. you do those, and we'll be all set.

here's another picture from my work pod archives. it's jeffanie in yet another fancy hat. it had some stuff on it that i didn't want you to see. ignore that part. these archives just may contain pictures of other bloggers you know sporting this.very.hat.

i'm so ugly, that's okay cuz so are u

hey my phone was ringing 30 minutes ago. i was laying on the sofa and it was sitting next to me, so answering it was not going to be a problem. i assessed the caller ID and it said 'out of area' so i figured, hey, it's the new year and this is my phone so what the hell. i can definitely answer this shit and deal with whatever is on the other side. for someone who gets several hundred calls from her mother and sister every day, you can imagine my surprise when it ended up being a recorded voice telling me this: "this is a collect call from 'no one u know', who is AN INMATE AT THE COUNTY JAIL". then it was like friends season 7 in my great room - rachel picks up the phone and hears monica talking a little dirty to someone who ends up being chandler so she freaks out and hangs up as fast as only her little fingers can since this was the first she was hearing of the secret relations.

anywho...that's pretty much what i did. immediately following, i leaped up off the comfy cocoon and the all-day mild chest pains finally kicked into mad full gear. i called my mother from my cell phone (since the fear of picking up my home phone was still a little too great) to tell her that i was getting a new number first thing in the morning. she said the same thing just happened to them for the second time and that i didn't need to get a new number because our phone company had contracted some telesales out to prison inmates and that they're getting $.12 an hour for this service. i know this is true because martha was telling us just that last week on her show. while i appreciate that they're having the inmates work during their prison sentences, i still believe that the ass-face over at the wherever company who can be credited with this terrific new idea should be fired first thing tomorrow.

here's where i'm gonna turn it over to you guys. how many of my fine readers would seriously/literally/actually accept the collect call from an inmate at 10pm at night, maybe even on new year's eve (which is when my mom FIRST got the FIRST call) ? be honest. if you're gonna be fluffy and blow things up my out hole, that's fine, just answer the question, too.